Just doing it
Note to self: green smiley for Monday, DONE!
It's so damn dark and rainy here. Waaah. This afternoon I was a vestige of my old self. I couldn't get motivated to tidy up or cook... my usual weekend centering and life-ordering activities. I LOVE to cook but I have really not felt it since Andy died. He was my cooking buddy. Now I buy the food and act like I have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes it spoils in the refrigerator. I bought some goat cheese the other day and I can't find it anywhere! Did the dogs eat it or did I put it in the linen closet or something bizarre? THe house is very chaotic and confusing because (A) there is a big addition project about 80% done (so what's the point of picking up, I ask) and (B) the owner of the house, yours truly, is in a very disconnected place.
Today I heard about two more young men who died. One a 19 year old in Wyoming, of brain tumors. I have followed him on Caringbridge since Andy was diagnosed. What a struggle, what a brave kid. Oh, his poor mom. Then, my eye doctor's son was killed a couple of weeks ago in an ATV accident. God almighty. Such pain. Yes I have written them both about FMO.... for when they are ready.
So I put on a green smiley because in spite of all that chaos, sadness and disinterest, I DID pick up the front hall and I DID empty the dishwasher (least fave chore!) and I DID make a decent dinner for me and Drew. Oh, haha, I DID also bail on a church meeting I felt no energy or interest in. I want to overcome this melancholy, this inertia, but I also want to honor the sadness exhaustion by doing nothing if nothing is the thing to (not) do. It's a little confusing but I think the word 'balance' is useful in sorting things out. There's no road map for this work. If having a hot dinner with my beloved husband helps us to feel close and take good care of each other, it's moving in the right direction.
Now for sleep.
Love, Sarah
It's so damn dark and rainy here. Waaah. This afternoon I was a vestige of my old self. I couldn't get motivated to tidy up or cook... my usual weekend centering and life-ordering activities. I LOVE to cook but I have really not felt it since Andy died. He was my cooking buddy. Now I buy the food and act like I have no idea what to do with it. Sometimes it spoils in the refrigerator. I bought some goat cheese the other day and I can't find it anywhere! Did the dogs eat it or did I put it in the linen closet or something bizarre? THe house is very chaotic and confusing because (A) there is a big addition project about 80% done (so what's the point of picking up, I ask) and (B) the owner of the house, yours truly, is in a very disconnected place.
Today I heard about two more young men who died. One a 19 year old in Wyoming, of brain tumors. I have followed him on Caringbridge since Andy was diagnosed. What a struggle, what a brave kid. Oh, his poor mom. Then, my eye doctor's son was killed a couple of weeks ago in an ATV accident. God almighty. Such pain. Yes I have written them both about FMO.... for when they are ready.
So I put on a green smiley because in spite of all that chaos, sadness and disinterest, I DID pick up the front hall and I DID empty the dishwasher (least fave chore!) and I DID make a decent dinner for me and Drew. Oh, haha, I DID also bail on a church meeting I felt no energy or interest in. I want to overcome this melancholy, this inertia, but I also want to honor the sadness exhaustion by doing nothing if nothing is the thing to (not) do. It's a little confusing but I think the word 'balance' is useful in sorting things out. There's no road map for this work. If having a hot dinner with my beloved husband helps us to feel close and take good care of each other, it's moving in the right direction.
Now for sleep.
Love, Sarah
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