Just can't
I know that it has been a long time since I have written a journal here but there really isn't much to tell. I have really tried to be supportive of all the ladies here but it is becoming very hard for me. On one hand...I am so excited to see all the progress and happiness that is floating around on here. All the ladies who were happy for BFP and supported me through the five months are now well on their way to their happily ever after. Yes, I know a few of us who all started off together...some have gone on to have babies and others...angels.
It is hard for me to be happy...I mean...I am happy but not the real deep down joyful happiness that we all want. I don't think that I will ever get that feeling again. Maybe its time that I go back to counseling so that I can get all this....whatever it is...out. Maybe one day...I will be able to come back on here and share the good news that we have our rainbow baby...but until then...I just keep going.....
Again...I am VERY happy for all the ladies here!! I wish you all nothing but love and the best. I will continue to stop in but please don't feel like I am not supportive if I do not comment on a post...some times...it's just hard to.
It is hard for me to be happy...I mean...I am happy but not the real deep down joyful happiness that we all want. I don't think that I will ever get that feeling again. Maybe its time that I go back to counseling so that I can get all this....whatever it is...out. Maybe one day...I will be able to come back on here and share the good news that we have our rainbow baby...but until then...I just keep going.....
Again...I am VERY happy for all the ladies here!! I wish you all nothing but love and the best. I will continue to stop in but please don't feel like I am not supportive if I do not comment on a post...some times...it's just hard to.
Replies
I feel for you. I\'ve been trying in some form or fashion since 2007. I\'ve taken DS breaks from time to time. I\'ve been on here six years.
All I can say is never give up on your dream. I\'m a foster parent currently and we are hopefully going to be able to adopt.
It\'s okay to be more sad for yourself than happy for others. I know I am, and I\'ve apologized for it on here countless times only to be told over and over that it\'s OKAY. You need to feel what you feel. The only cure for grief is to grieve.
You will get your rainbow eventually, and we are all going to be thrilled for you when you do. But until then we are going to grieve for your previous babies with you and keep you in our prayers. Don\'t feel obligated to be supportive when you\'re the one in need of support. xoxoxoxo
Oh hun, my heart hurts for you and I can feel the pain in your words. Of course I want you and all our DS sisters to be happy but you need to focus on you right now. Your heart has endured so much this year and you need time to heal and find your joy again. We all understand that it takes time and we don\'t expect you to celebrate our joy when you are facing such heartache. Please do what you need for you and don\'t apologize for anything you might or might not be feeling for us. We understand and are rooting for your happiness and your future rainbow baby. Xoxo
You have to take care of you. We love and support you no matter what friend. I think of you often. Hugs hun!!
This makes so much sense. Sometimes I think it\'s easy to feel that we have a sense of obligation to the support site.
At the risk of sounding selfish...the reality is that any time anyone seeks out a support group in life (virtual or non-virtual) it is because that person NEEDS support.
No one signs up for a support group thinking gee I\'m having a hard time-----I need to find a support group so that I can support others.
Rather, it\'s usually because the person is in a time of crisis or at a loss of how to get through something.
So the very nature of a support group is to SEEK out support. And then you discover in the process that you want to support others as well. That becomes almost secondary to the purpose.
But it\'s not the primary reason for being here in the first place.
Even though this is a beautiful place with a lot of very kind women. It\'s not your ordinary support group.
But still....needing space doesn\'t make it selfish or wrong. It\'s just the very nature of why we seek out support groups.
I think it is a wise self-care move to seek counseling and to not feel that you have to feign overflowing joy when you simply don\'t feel it.
It is SO NORMAL to not feel it.
I know I have often not felt overflowing joy. I find that I only respond to things when I feel I can do so in a truly legitimate way.
Sometimes I need to wait until I can feel the good feelings come through a few days after someone posts good news.
And sometimes it just doesn\'t come so I don\'t reply.
Also, sometimes I find I take breaks from DS. Because why would I, on a good day, want to log onto something that is a reminder of the journey that I was on and was only met with loss. I have enough of my own daily reminders.
It would sort of be like someone\'s wedding day falling through. The husband doesn\'t show up at the altar. But the woman had been part of a wedding chat site prior to it. Should she still feel compelled to be part of the wedding/newlywed site? No.
I realize this site is more than that. It\'s not just for pregnant women. It\'s for women trying to get pregnant.
But obviously there is no way to filter out the success stories when we are in a dark place.
In the early days after my 3rd loss in December, it was excruciating to see women complaining about their pregnancy symptoms--carpal tunnel, etc.
What I would have given for carpal tunnel.
So DS can be a minefield at times.
And you are not a bad person for taking care of yourself. That is what is most important. --- you :)
Thinking of you.
Totally understandable. I sure do hope you get your rainbow baby soon. Much love and baby dust to you xoxo
We are here when you need us. Don\'t worry at all that you are expected to be there for everyone else. We all understand that sometimes, you just can\'t. Ive taken DS breaks here and there and it\'s a good thing. Other days, I feel like I need DS all day. It\'s what you make of it, and we are here for support! Thinking of you and wishing you well.
I know what you mean so take all the time you need. It\'s hard being on DS and seeing all the happy news after such a loss. No one will juge you so take the hreak you need. I do hope you get your rainbow baby. I know my duedate is coming up and we will try to do something special.
hugs
Thanks everyone for your continued support and encouragement. I truly love you all!!