just blabbering

hubby and son are telling me that I am slowly getting my shape back, I can't see it but then when I was at my skinniest all I saw was fat. It's been a long tough road, trying to put getting healthy first and learning to accept my weight as it is. I am not sure that with the way society is if it's really truly possible for me to fully accept my weight .  My agoraphobia has kept me in check this past year and it's been a very difficult year for me. It is hard to believe it's been a full year since my breakdown and I'm still fighting to get my head above water again. I have come to understand that part of it is that I am 'enjoying' peri-menopause, something my doctor doesn't believe in but I've read enough books on it now that I know that is what's been added to my daily routine (lol, good way of putting it I think). The peri-menopause is making my panic worse and is adding to the feelings of blah, is giving me depression, is making me unsure on my feet and so forth and so on. It feels like my meds are no longer working and I know my doc well enough now that I am not about to go in and be a test rabbit for something else. I hate the side effects that the Citalopram gives me and his comment to that was "well you just have to learn to live with that, they all have side effects". thank you doc! Anyway, hubby and son continue to be very understanding and have figured out it's perfectly ok to make fun of me, I prefer to laugh at myself too cause if I didn't I'd cry and I already cry enough these days. The other day I drove by myself, not very far, but a letter HAD to be mailed at the post office and it's too far for me to walk and my son was still sleeping after a night of fun with his friends so I figured I'd just go. I nearly got in an accident and by the time I finally made it home again I was shaking so bad and very frightened. And to top it off, the entire time I was driving, my body was trying to pass out on me. Both to and from the post office.  I think the safest thing to do is to try and drive when either hubby or son are sitting beside me, though I hate being so dependent. I have to start trying to walk the dogs alone again this week, I wasn't able to two weeks ago as I was soo tired and disoriented and could barely stand straight. The entire week! of course hubby said "it is stress, go sit down". and I figured it was my panic as per usual so I tried  to fight it the first day but barely made it home again after only going a block with the dogs. the entire week my son walked the dogs for me as I simply couldn't do it and I spent the week thinking that I am having a setback while still dealing with my previous setback!Well imagine my surprise when both hubby and son started feeling lousy the week after, turns out I was simply sick and could have enjoyed it, had I only known I was only sick! Jeez, why do I always assume it's my agoraphobia! I could have spent the week under the covers like hubby did but I had to try and fight it and losing and then beating myself up for losing and so forth. Grrr. Last week I had a hard time walking by myself still but I did go each day (with my son) so this week it's time I try on my own again, just me and the dogs. I'm scared to death and have been at this point so many times before, you would think  it would get easier.  Anyway, long ramble but I just wanted to write something down. I am not good at journals, never have been.