Just being me

 This is so amazing. I am waiting for a webinar mtg. Earphone hooked up to my cell phone, online. In my comfies, coffee at hand, Spock mewing, quiet house. Even just a year ago I don't remember being this motivated. Reflecting on the last 5 days, I realize that I am in such a better place. It isn't hard to remember the point when I couldn't sign my own name, but to look at where I am now, and reflect on those hopeless, abyss filled days, I'm so glad I'm here. Even though I was presented with the tools to handle everything, it has been me who has used them, me who fought, cried, yelled, sobbed. At some point I remember telling them to be firm with me, don't let me isolate, manipulate, if I was "presenting well" to pull me aside and make me talk. And they stayed with me when I tried so hard to push them away. When I was diagnosed with the Hep C, I was on the third floor, surrounded by people who were in a bad place just like me. I wouldn't talk to anyone, just sat on the table looking at the doctor as if he had warts all over his head. "don't drink!" and I didn't tell him I hadn't had a drink in over 20 yrs. So I've worked my way out of the fog, out of the uncertainty, and into the light. Some days it's lingering, I'm aware of it, some days I feel threatened by it. Most days I don't. I'm in a better place.