Just been a rotten summer.

I read some of the journals on here and see I am not so much different than some. At the same time I can't lie and tell you I am not selfish because I do sometimes just wonder how can I get better so I can be of help to others. The fact is I'm afraid. I'm a grown man almost 37. I am on ssdi and just got out of the hospital recently. I am fighting with the doctor because I don't want to go on meds that will make me gain more weight or get diabetes. I pray a little more lately and wonder if God is truly listening. I don't expect and answer back but just to be heard and hopeful send a little good health my way.  I have not wanted to go outside this summer after getting out of the hospiital because I am so depressed. I am supposed to head back to wrk this week but wonder how I will ever be able to keep my thoughts straight.  I'm worried since my car broke down I don't know how long it will last me and what if I cant make it to the job?? alot of what if's. Anyhow just rambling on here. I just hope someone is listening and I do hope to get better so I can help others to see that it could be possible but just right now am not seeing it.