Just another sleepless night.

 I doubt anyone will be reading these journal entries other than myself. Either way, I think writing out my pain is one of the only ways I can deal with it. After three years, actually I've lost count, you seem to keep the pain to yourself and search the internet on the late, sleepless nights. Though I'm open with everything else in my life, my pain seems to be the one thing I try to avoid talking about with my family and those closest to me unless it's brought up by someone else. There's an amount of guilt you live with knowing you're not capable of doing and being what you want. There's guilt in knowing they feel bad that they can't help. And a guilt in knowing you can't help yourself when you're at your weakest and just don't care. At this exact moment there's an invisible knife in my back and an invisible broken rib in the front. I take a slow, deep breath and it hurts. I think about what pills I could be on so I can pretend like they're helping, but I've been there, done that. I think about my life before these knives and needles I feel. I think about what it must be like to be able to close your eyes and fall into a deep sleep without a single thing to worry about. As far as your body goes. I ask myself why I'm the one awake at 1am again and why I have to deal with this. Why am I on a dailystrength website when I should be sleeping. Dear pain, if you can just stop for 20 minutes while I try to fall asleep, that would be great. Maybe then I could get in three hours instead of just two this time. Thanks.