Just another day
Sitting at work trying to concentrate on what I am supposed to be doing but I am finding it difficult as I sit and reflect on what my dh told me the other night. I was talking to him about the possibility of adoption and some of the options and fees associated with different types. Instead of saying that he was not ready to talk about it, he told me that I was obsessed and then proceeds to say “things happen for a reason” when he sees that I am upset. THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON! Is a load of crock! I hate when people make that statement. Do they not know what else to say or do they really believe that? What could possibly be the reason that I am not pregnant yet? Would I be an unfit mother? Did I do something earlier in my life that I am being punished for? Is it because I am Christian and dh is Muslim? Then I think that this can not possible be true – as there are a LOT of people out there who are pregnant and don’t want to be or are from an accident or for a myriad of other reasons. I struggle. How can I not be obsessed when I have been trying for so long, charting for over 2 years, taking my temperature EVERY day and checking all other symptoms to see where I am at in my cycle and what day will I ovulate and then from there on to keeping track of the tests and dates for the doctors appointments. I have rearranged my life for this – or it seems to me. So now after nothing again and again, I would almost be grateful for a miscarriage (I know it seems crazy to say) or something other than my RE stating – well, “I am not sure why that did not work kiddo” - which I do not appreciate – how can I not be obsessed? How many times is it that you have to do something to create a habit? And what is the saying – the definition of insanity is repeating something time and time again with no results. This is why I feel like I am ready to move on – to start thinking about adoption and the benefits and costs and what the program entails and what type of adoption would we like to do. It gives me new direction and a new project to think about and focus on. I am rational enough to know that adoption will provide its own struggles and challenges but I am ready to learn a new habit. My dh has never really been big on adoption and since he has a daughter from a prior relationship that he does not really see. Sometimes I think that he blames me for not getting pregnant. I know that he wants a biological child and him being a chemist and scientist – he wants to fully understand and he wants definite answers. But there are none here. I want a house filled with activities, little feet, joy and love. There are things that I want to teach children and help to shape and mold them. I have always set out goals and been told that if I work hard at them, I can achieve them and that I can achieve anything that I want. I feel like I was set up. Now month after month I feel failure.
Replies
I too felt and feel the way you are right now. There are so many questions with no answers. The hardest part of all of this is acceptance. Accepting that we many never know why. We know there is male and female factors with us but we don\'t know why they keep putting back great embryos that don\'t survive. As far as things happening for a reason... I was one to say that a lot but it does not have the same meaning for me any more. I think we can find reason in everything. I believe we can find good in something bad. I do believe I am meant to have a child. I want to carry that child. I want to have a biological child. But, there may be a child that I am meant to raise. That child may have come into this world by someone else but I am meant to teach them all they need to learn. Maybe some day that child will do something great. I don\'t know, and there is where the acceptance comes in. I hope this makes sense because I am having a hard time finding the words right now. I was always told I could have anything I wanted and felt like I was set up and lied to as well. Because the one thing I want most in the world is the one thing I really can not control. But, we may not have been set up after all. We may still be Mothers, but we may need to accept that it is not the way we always dreamed it would be. Also, I do think that at times people say \"things happen for a reason\" because they don\'t know what else to say but I also believe they say it because it is their way of accepting the situation.
I pray that your child finds their way to you, how ever it is they are meant to come. I really hope it is the way you want.