Just a Rant, I Don't Know [Trigger Warning]

   I wrote this to briefly get this off my chest. Please bare in mind that I really don't know what hell I'm doing in life. I never did. Anyway, I feel as though I failed every nice person I ever met, online, and in real life. I haven't been making things better for myself. I'm an idiot. I'm a lazy fuck. I have so much unfinished and uncompleted college assignments that I can't make time for a real job.

   I have so much work that needs to be done because I never wanted to do absolutely anything in the first place. I've been like that for years. I've just become more and more disinterested with life itself and taking care of myself with each year that came. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense anymore. If I finally end up having the guts to kill myself, I would want to leave a message on this journal post to say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I failed the nice peole I met online and in real life by giving up and wasting their kindness. "Anyway, [trigger warning] I have an object that I plan on using to kill myself in my bedroom just in case I finally grow a spine and kill myself.

   The only reason I'm alive right now is because I'm too scared to kill myself. I'm alive because of fear itself. I think that's sad. So, I'm going to keep that object in my room and keep pushing the idea of suicide in my head so I can end it. I thought, "If I can't kill myself, then I would rather sleep all day and the next day and the next day," but I can't do that. I still live with my mother and my siblings and no one would let me do that. So, I start procrastinating by playing video games and watching funny You Tube videos and pretending everything's fine. Then, I die a little on the inside each night.

   Then, the next day comes and I repeat the process, if that made sense. I don't think it does, but I do it anyway. I'm already trying to think of a good suicide note. Even if I figure out how to write a good suicide note, I still need the gall to kill myself. So, that probably not going to happen in a million years because I'm actually a sobbing coward on the inside. If I could at least cut myself out of hatred just because and walk around with fresh scars all day that would be just fine with me, but I can't do that. So, contemplating suicide is the next best thing for me, I think.

   If I die, I can't fail myself or anyone else any further. I hate that nothing serious happened to me, but I keep carrying out like I've been through hell in a 3rd world country. I'm a weak, pathetic, stupid, and overly sensitive person. I've wasted God's time and my family's time.