Just a note
Hi SOTH - Just a quick note before I go to church. I was in such a fog today at work. I could not clear my thoughts or seem to get a break from my thoughts if you know what I mean. I sometimes can't get Jennifer's last nite in hospital on a ventilator off my mind. I keep replaying those last 5 days of her life over and over again. I'm smart enough to know it doesn't help me but I just don't know how to stop sometimes. I always have an overwhelming sadness that hangs over my head and even though I smile, visit with friends and listen to them, I still feel disconnected. I hope in time, slowly that feeling of disconnected with life will get better.
Our secretary @ work is struggling because her 21 year old daughter has brain cancer. I am the type of person who normally would be there for her and help in any way but I find myself avoiding her. My heart is so sad for her but I just feel so emotionally empty that I can't give her a lot of support. I feel bad about that because that just isn't me. In time, I guess I'll be able to give again. It takes so much of my energy to work everyday when I just want to crawl in bed. The constant feeling of fatigue is so draining - I really did not know that my grief would be so consuming but then again I've never experienced such intense grief either.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" - It is comforting to know you are out there and are farther ahead in the process and are able to give me hope. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hugs to SOTH.
Vicki
Our secretary @ work is struggling because her 21 year old daughter has brain cancer. I am the type of person who normally would be there for her and help in any way but I find myself avoiding her. My heart is so sad for her but I just feel so emotionally empty that I can't give her a lot of support. I feel bad about that because that just isn't me. In time, I guess I'll be able to give again. It takes so much of my energy to work everyday when I just want to crawl in bed. The constant feeling of fatigue is so draining - I really did not know that my grief would be so consuming but then again I've never experienced such intense grief either.
Anyway, thanks for "listening" - It is comforting to know you are out there and are farther ahead in the process and are able to give me hope. I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hugs to SOTH.
Vicki
Replies
I understand what you say. My Colleen was also in ICU on the ventilator, for the last 7 days of her life. I just can\'t forget that time, especially those moments while she was dying. I stood beside her bed, frozen solid! I couldn\'t move or say anything! I hate myself for that! I wish that I could have those moments over again.....
I to understand what you\'ve shared. Grief, this level of grief, is SO exhausting and yes, in the beginning it\'s all consuming.
IF you feel able, maybe you could share with your friend what you have shared with us....just simply being \"empty\" right now and wishing you had more energy to give towards helping her in her time of need, however, you just honestly do not. I think this would mean a LOT to her. Just a simple word or two can mean so much when we\'re hurting and scared. And I\'m sure she isn\'t expecting you to do or say or be any more than you are already....she knows you are in deep grief over Jennifer, even if she can\'t understand the depths of it. But if you can NOT approach her, or send a note, or reach out in any way right now, THAT IS OK TOO!!!
And as far as reliving those last days and hours....well darlin, that is certainly understandable and I\'m sure each of us have done, or do, the exact same. I know I did for a long time. But I\'ve held on with all my might to this single thought....placed in my heart by Dr. Phil and then by Kala herself.....\"do not make my life about the one night I \"died\". HARD as it is in the beginning, we DO find ourselves able to SEE the WHOLE life of our children and appreciate with happiness the good, and even the not so good, times we were blessed to share with them.
I\'ve told this story a hundred times, but I\'ll tell it again. Many years before Kala\'s accident Dr. Phil was on Oprah. A mom was telling him about her daughter who\'d been murdered. She\'d kept her room exactly the same...not even picking up the dirty clothes from the floor for the 10 years since her daughters death. She\'d planned on sharing her daughter on TV and then going home to complete suicide. Well, Dr. Phil said this to her, \"Your daughter died ONE night, but she lived 18 years. Do not spend the rest of your life focused on that one horrible night, but instead, celebrate those wonderful 18 years she was with you\". Like I said, this was a long time before Kala\'s accident, but The Great Spirit placed this deep in my heart and I never forgot it. Well, Kala\'s accident was just 3 weeks before her 18th birthday. I would never have pulled it off if she hadn\'t already been planning and asking me for her party to be a certain way. On her birthday 40 family members and friends got all dressed up and had dinner in a private banquet room of a fancy restaurant (this was Kala\'s request). At the appropriate time I stood up, raised my champagne glass high and said, \"Kala died one night, but she lived 17 years, 11 months, 7 days, 14 hours and 19 minutes. Tonight we celebrate her life.\" Now, I barely knew what planet I was on, but because Spirit had placed what Dr. Phil had said so deep in my heart, I was able to draw from it and make it through that night...smiling! And I\'ve carried this truth with me every day since.
Jennifer LIVED and we must always celebrate that life!
Jennifer IS NOW continuing her journey in spirit and glory and perfection, and I choose to celebrate that as well. In time, my precious friend, you will be able to also.
The disconnect you feel will fade as you slowly rediscover things that bring joy to your life. It WILL come! But you have to want it, fight for it, and then allow it to BE.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your thoughts with us. Each time we share, we help another mom and we help ourselves too.
Much love to you!
Much love to Jennifer!
your secretary needs something you can give,,, a hug.... sometimes words aren\'t needed... when my mind went to that terrible day for me,,, I tried to replace it with a wonderful memory of us together, something Morgan did that made me smile,,,,, I still do that and it helps me....love ya!
We are always here to listen....to support.......and to love.
Because this journey is such a difficult one, makes coming here even more special. Finding moms who can relate to our pain validates what we are going through as grief/trauma. Those who are further along in this journey can even give hope that healing is possible. Please know that when you get up each day & put one foot in front of the other, we are cheering you on.
Lots of hugs.....Vicki
Early grief lasts so much longer than we expect it to... It is a raw, intense period and so very exhausting! Be gentle with yourself. We are here for you!
Much love,
Leda
You all so keep me going and help me to stay grounded and remind me of things that help me so much. SOTH continually amazes me in that each one of you say the thing that touches my heart - Have a blessed day - hugs. Vicki
I agree with Teri! Sending you hugs and love, cheering you on, holding my hand out for you to hold, and reminding you no matter what you feel, you have a right to feel that way. Do only what you can today! Lynette - Matthews mom
I do the same thing as you. and it has been 10 years since I lost my only child. It took her 81 days of horror to die. I remember leaving the hospital and she had had a ventilator in her for along time, I actually did,nt know the ventilator was keeping her alive I asked the nursey I try to think of happy times but my mind always goes backe to all her suffering and always wonder (why did she have to go through all that she was a good girl) So you are not alone thinking that. Bless your angel Hugs Mary Ann
I too understand. I stood beside my Alyssa in PICU as she died. My sister standing next to me, our arms around each other and holding Alyssa\'s hand. A nurse standing behind me with both her hands on my shoulders as if to hold me up and give me strength. The other nurse on the other side of the bed with her stethoscope listening for her heartbeat. The final words, \"she\'s gone.\" After tubes and everything were removed her skin became soft again as it was rigid while hooked up to them. I wanted so bad to crawl in that bed with her and go with her. We were on the sixth floor and it was a very cold October day and a huge monarch butterfly fluttered across the widow as she crossed into Heaven. I am drawn to butterflies or anything with butterflies on it since then. Much Love, Hugs and Peace to you. Dee
It is quite normal to \"relive\" those last few moments over and over. And especially to wish for a different result. After 5 years and 3 months, I still do it. And in time, you will be able to share more with someone going through where you have already traveled. The fact is that your secretary still has her child. Maybe you will find that you can more identify when and if she needs you. And you need her.
Peace.