just a down moment

 these past couple of days have been a struggle emotionally.  i feel abanden and confused.  i'm angry and sad.  i feel alone.  i have been thinking about a list i could write about all the abuses that has been inflicted on me since i was a child.  i'm feeling self-pity for myself right now.  writing this now i can feel a little relief.   i started putting events in chronological order based on my age.   at 5 years old my father was giving me a "beating"; i was hit in the eye, and then i slipped into a coma that lasted for ten days.  at age 6 i was being molested by my father's brother. my fathers other brother, who was gay, would watch and not help me.   i became an introvert growing up: i was picked on, called a "faggy", and my young mother out of anger with me called me a "punk" when i was coming into my teens.   my brother would tease me and threaten me.   my father was in and out of jail.  he did drugs and burglarized people's homes.  a friend at that time mentioned that they thought they had saw my father break into someone's home one late night.   he would bring those stolen items home.  a middle grade classmate made fun of me in class by telling everyone that my father was in jail.  i was proud that my father had his masters in sociology.  he was a great listener and people loved him.  but he frighten me with his mood swings, doing drugs, and violent temper - i watched him beat my mother when i was 12 years old. i was born with a disease that caused me to have problems moving my biles.  i had to take enemas, my mother would have to take her finger up my rectum to clean me out, and i had several surgeries and trouble with the disease that kept me from playing with my childhood friends outside.  i started isolating myself because i felt different and strange from everyone else.  when i was a high school sophomore i dated one of the prettiest and popular girls in school.  i loved her and got engaged.  things changed.  she dated other guys.  most of them were popular guys.  i was still very quiet and kept to myself.  everyone said i was gay.  i don't know if she ever thought that, atleast she never said it to me.  she did hurt my feelings alot - close to the break up.  i had the worst senior prom with her.  she would dump me, date someone else, they dump her, and she get back with me.  she would yell at me in public.  she would embarrass me in front of her family and friends.  she was spoiled and selfish.  i did not understand boundaries very well - effects of the abuse.  i met people who took advantage of me.  some of my male friends when i was young would play with me - sexually.  high school friends, who i did not know was gay, but was, would mess with me.  males in college and when i moved to this heavily gay populated city would manipulate me into doing sexual acts with them. when i did not want to comply with them they would stop speaking to me - stop being my friends.  i got upset.  i started buying friendships by picking up the tab where ever we would go out.   when my friends left me and i started isolating myself again, in my adulthood, i got on a sex chat line.  it was an awful experience - i met alot of clowns (jeffrey p lewis aka kilo).  i started to stress and get angry.  i isolated myself again.  i got lonely again.  i would go back and forth on the chat line - more shame and frustration.  i started paying for sexual favors.    i was just thinking of the term favor.  i don't think it really should have to be a favor.  that is how low my self esteem had become to have those types of hopeless ideals that one day i will find someone that i will not let use me.  i do take accountability of my actions.  it is just alot of hard work to change.  the future seems real daunting for me.   just the other month i went home for a visit, the trauma from the child abuse has caused me to leave my home town, my mother again out of anger she yelled out at me at: you are just making up stuff to make you feel better.  that was a blow!  i told her of the abuse a few years ago.  i think she meant i'm using the abuse as an excuse for my short comings.  i don't think so.  i think the residue from the trauma is so great - that is mostly what i think about everyday.  my mothers denial and how she copes with it is another obstacle for me in the healing process. i wish i could aknowledge the confidence and strength everyday.  those feelings comes in spurts.  i'm having bouts with depression.