Just a bunch of wrong turns
I feel like I have no control. I felt powerless during my attacks, but even when he isnt raping me I feel like I have no control. I need counseling, I know I do but I HATE it with a passion. I HATE talking about everything he has done. The things he did, the things he said, how he just got up and left me bleeding and crying on the floor. The way he made me feel and believe that I truly was nothing, just someone to get his pleasure from.. a nobody. I HATE that I should press charges and give his name and tell everyone I know what has happened just to help protect others. I know how unbelievably selfish that sounds. but I HATE knowing that someone else could be hurt because I was too damn weak to do anything. I have choices, but I dont. I HATE being refered to as a victim because I dont want to be. I grew up strong willed and now what am I-- weak?? powerless?? a rape victim?? Sometimes I try and convince myself that I wasnt raped, that I wanted it because the feeling, the knowing that I was pinned down, undressed, humiliated, raped... it tears me apart. Does this world just suck?