Just a breakup?
I was the happiest person in the world. I didn´t have money or many friends. I didn´t even have a secure future or stability, things that would have made me snap if it wasn´t for her….but I had her. She was caring, affectionate, positive, beautiful…I just needed her in order to be happy. She was the center of my world. That person who always made me have something to look forward to no matter how much I hated my job or how many difficulties in life I had to face.
She´s gone now. Her beautiful smile, her support, her heat, her wonderful companion, her texts and phone calls, …it´s all gone . My sunshine decided it was time to move on. She was a dream come true, and that dream has turned into a nightmare.
I´m a ghost. A ghost who hasn´t laughed or even smiled ever since she left. A ghost who paces in his apartment looking for answers to so many questions.. A ghost who wakes up every morning after a sleepless night wanting to die.
Every day is a struggle. Every day is a nightmare. If I was lucky to sleep the night before, I will wake up feeling dead inside. Chances are I wasn´t able to. Flashbacks of her bombard my mind as I try to fight them. Then, I pray, desperately looking for help. Help to get rid of this sharp pain that has been tormenting me. Why do I feel this tremendous pressure in my chest?
What are my motivations for the day ahead? None. Every daily activity carries an enormous effort because I don´t feel like doing anything. My highlight of the day is when I go to bed, as soon as I arrive home. I feel tired from work, but being depressed drains me. I just don´t have any energy left.
I get in my car and play music. What should I listen to? Happy music that will only remind of me when I used to be happy? Or maybe songs that will remind me of her and I together? Crying is really the only thing that relieves my pain a little these days, so I choose to play sad songs that will make feel that other people in the world are also suffering. Hopefully it will help me not feeling so lonely. And then, if I´m lucky, I will cry my eyes out, because I can´t take this anymore.
It´s time to start working. I need to pretend I´m out of that deep black hole for a few hours. I need to fake a smile that will make my kids happy., and that´s incredibly hard for somebody whose face is a mirror where feelings are constantly reflected. It´s my job, I tell myself I have to do this,! I get the energy out of nowhere and do my best. I need to be sad, but I can´t. I need to cry, but I can´t. I do my best, but some kids do notice I´m not the same and wonder why.
It´s so much pressure not being able to be sad….your co-workers asked you at the beginning , and they offered you their support. After a while though, you´re not allowed to be sad anymore. It´s been enough time. I gotta put my shit together. As time goes by, you start feeling like everyone sees you as a weirdo. It´s just a breakup! everyone goes through that!
Is it really just a breakup? Wait…
Why do I wake up every morning wanting to die then?
Why do I feel dead inside?
Why can´t I get out of this deep dark black hole I´m in?
Why don´t I have any energy or strength left?
Why do I cry in the most random places?
Why do I go straight to bed as soon as I get home?
She´s gone now. Her beautiful smile, her support, her heat, her wonderful companion, her texts and phone calls, …it´s all gone . My sunshine decided it was time to move on. She was a dream come true, and that dream has turned into a nightmare.
I´m a ghost. A ghost who hasn´t laughed or even smiled ever since she left. A ghost who paces in his apartment looking for answers to so many questions.. A ghost who wakes up every morning after a sleepless night wanting to die.
Every day is a struggle. Every day is a nightmare. If I was lucky to sleep the night before, I will wake up feeling dead inside. Chances are I wasn´t able to. Flashbacks of her bombard my mind as I try to fight them. Then, I pray, desperately looking for help. Help to get rid of this sharp pain that has been tormenting me. Why do I feel this tremendous pressure in my chest?
What are my motivations for the day ahead? None. Every daily activity carries an enormous effort because I don´t feel like doing anything. My highlight of the day is when I go to bed, as soon as I arrive home. I feel tired from work, but being depressed drains me. I just don´t have any energy left.
I get in my car and play music. What should I listen to? Happy music that will only remind of me when I used to be happy? Or maybe songs that will remind me of her and I together? Crying is really the only thing that relieves my pain a little these days, so I choose to play sad songs that will make feel that other people in the world are also suffering. Hopefully it will help me not feeling so lonely. And then, if I´m lucky, I will cry my eyes out, because I can´t take this anymore.
It´s time to start working. I need to pretend I´m out of that deep black hole for a few hours. I need to fake a smile that will make my kids happy., and that´s incredibly hard for somebody whose face is a mirror where feelings are constantly reflected. It´s my job, I tell myself I have to do this,! I get the energy out of nowhere and do my best. I need to be sad, but I can´t. I need to cry, but I can´t. I do my best, but some kids do notice I´m not the same and wonder why.
It´s so much pressure not being able to be sad….your co-workers asked you at the beginning , and they offered you their support. After a while though, you´re not allowed to be sad anymore. It´s been enough time. I gotta put my shit together. As time goes by, you start feeling like everyone sees you as a weirdo. It´s just a breakup! everyone goes through that!
Is it really just a breakup? Wait…
Why do I wake up every morning wanting to die then?
Why do I feel dead inside?
Why can´t I get out of this deep dark black hole I´m in?
Why don´t I have any energy or strength left?
Why do I cry in the most random places?
Why do I go straight to bed as soon as I get home?
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