Just Sad
This is my first entry since my Ex died. I attended the visitation and the funeral. I felt I had to be there for our son, daughter and, grand kids. The Pastor who did the service, did a good job. He said some nice things about her. She had only been a Christian just over a year.
There were so many memories that ran rampant in my mind as I stood there at the visitation and sat there in the funeral service. I remembered our first date as teenagers. I remember our wedding and the wedding trip we took to New Mexico, in my 1956 Buick back in June of 1964.
I also remembered the terrible times, the fights and her attempts to stab me, which she did, once. I remember her physical attacks on me, hitting me in the face, calling me names, attempting to shoot me which was the final straw for me. All these memories, good and bad, caused me to be very sad.
Another thing that heightened the sadness was, her visitation was on our son's birthday. He was killed in 2005, in a car wreck.
All this emotional stress, and other things that have happened recently, has caused my depression to return. I am afraid that I am relapsing, as I did in 2005 when my son was killed.
There is a family, who I have tried to help and be a blessing to, turn against me over a financial report at my church. 98% of my church is for me and stands with me. The other 2% want to fight and cause Chaos and to be quite frank, I really don't know what to say to them anymore. Friendships have been severed and will never be what it once was. This too, is very sad.
I have done so many funerals lately and still have another one to do Sat. All these things combined, has caused me so much emotional strain and pain. I feel all this is affecting how I preach and teach at my church and this really bothers me because I do not want to fail my people who look to me for strength and guidance. These are those who have stood with me through the years and they have said they will stand with me now, through all of this too.
Oh, I could revert back to what I once was as a biker and come right at these people and get in their face but, that is not me, anymore. I haven't done something like that for almost 40 years.
I do not want to go back on medication, due to the side effects and also the withdrawal from these are so horrendous to endure. I have went through these 2 other times since 1995.
I am not perfect and I still fight the demons of my past, at times. The ropes of sin are long and they still trip me up at times. I still have horrible dreams sometimes and my wife has to wake me to stop the yelling that she hears from across the hall. This is sad, very sad and my countenance and my self esteem is lower than it has been in many many years.
There were so many memories that ran rampant in my mind as I stood there at the visitation and sat there in the funeral service. I remembered our first date as teenagers. I remember our wedding and the wedding trip we took to New Mexico, in my 1956 Buick back in June of 1964.
I also remembered the terrible times, the fights and her attempts to stab me, which she did, once. I remember her physical attacks on me, hitting me in the face, calling me names, attempting to shoot me which was the final straw for me. All these memories, good and bad, caused me to be very sad.
Another thing that heightened the sadness was, her visitation was on our son's birthday. He was killed in 2005, in a car wreck.
All this emotional stress, and other things that have happened recently, has caused my depression to return. I am afraid that I am relapsing, as I did in 2005 when my son was killed.
There is a family, who I have tried to help and be a blessing to, turn against me over a financial report at my church. 98% of my church is for me and stands with me. The other 2% want to fight and cause Chaos and to be quite frank, I really don't know what to say to them anymore. Friendships have been severed and will never be what it once was. This too, is very sad.
I have done so many funerals lately and still have another one to do Sat. All these things combined, has caused me so much emotional strain and pain. I feel all this is affecting how I preach and teach at my church and this really bothers me because I do not want to fail my people who look to me for strength and guidance. These are those who have stood with me through the years and they have said they will stand with me now, through all of this too.
Oh, I could revert back to what I once was as a biker and come right at these people and get in their face but, that is not me, anymore. I haven't done something like that for almost 40 years.
I do not want to go back on medication, due to the side effects and also the withdrawal from these are so horrendous to endure. I have went through these 2 other times since 1995.
I am not perfect and I still fight the demons of my past, at times. The ropes of sin are long and they still trip me up at times. I still have horrible dreams sometimes and my wife has to wake me to stop the yelling that she hears from across the hall. This is sad, very sad and my countenance and my self esteem is lower than it has been in many many years.
Replies
Even though it was your exwife there are still feelings there. The timing was tough with it being your son\'s birthday. All of that is going to add up and bring you down. Grieving takes time, don\'t rush it. There is no set deadline for how long you get to grieve. If the sadness lasts too long then your are going to need professional help. When my dad died, I went to my pdoc 4 days after the funeral and told her there was nothing she could do for me at the time. She agreed but said if after a few months I was still that low I needed to call her. I saw her this year a few days before the anniversary in a severely depressed state and once again she couldn\'t help but said if in a few weeks if I was still that bad I needed to call her. A decent pdoc will tell you that you need time to grieve but if it doesn\'t lift after a few months some then you will need help. Don\'t try to be the tough guy and do this completely on your own. Everyone needs help, whether it be their friends and family or medical help, at times like these. Let there be people around you to help. You don\'t always have to be the rock for everyone.
As for the church...if people don\'t like the way things are, they can leave given that it is a small amount. If the majority of the church was against you then you would have to look at yourself and see where changes can be made, but when it is the minority against you, don\'t fret. Some people complain no matter what. Don\'t let the few ruin things for the many
Hugs* You are grieving loss. This depression may not be a relapse. ...don\'t worry Pee Wee. I am studying this right now. You have suffered a life event where it will take a long time to heal. It is natural to feel sad and hurt and empty right now. It is not considered abnormal. Give yourself time to heal. This was a great loss to you...you feelings are not strange. You are not weird. I know you will heal ..You are resliant and strong. ...Give yourself time..time to heal, time to grieve and time to re discover the beauty life has to offer.
The depression you feel is not considered medical or clinical..is what I mean..you are suffering loss.. undepressed people get depressed when major life event changes happen..death loss..exc. It\'s painful..vs. somebody who is just depressed..There were events that are causing you to be sad...major ones. Thi sis a normal cause and effect situation.
I agree with Retrogirl - this is just grief. Grief is HUGE in the beginning, but does fade.... I told you those memories were brutal.
I look at it like a road, where the future and grief are blended together like a highway and in the beginning all you are going to feel is that grief... but eventually (2 months for me), that highway splits and you have a choice. You can follow in the grief over and over again, or you can begin to move toward the future. It doesn\'t mean grief isn\'t going to come and hit you again, but like waves of an ocean during a storm, the storm passes and waves get less and less....
Regarding the church... I\'ve been reading \"A Purpose Driven Life\" by Pastor Rick Warren. He talks about this kind of thing in the church and community chapters. Maybe it will speak to you in some way like it spoke to me and help you find a solution?
The outdoors is my church.... you see, I grew up surrounded by ministers in my family. Even today, I have a few aunts and uncles who spend so much time judging how people should live by their religious standards, that they miss the LOVE that\'s all around them... those are the kind of people who need prayer, people who judge, create conflict, hate.... And so, because of that, I see the hypocrisy within the 4 walls of church (I know, it\'s a bit sad).... so instead, every Sunday I go talk to God in the forest. He\'s there in EVERY LITTLE THING.... the snow on the ground, the leaves still sticking to the trees, the deer that left tracks, even in the air.... He \"talks\" to me there, tells me everything thing will be alright, gives me solutions in that the answers I need just suddenly are THERE. So you next time you have a break, take a walk.... maybe God will speak to you there as well? {{HUGS}}
((((PeeWee)))))))) The feelings are there even if she was your ex wife. And the healing from the tragedy will take time.....you know the story. How many times have you shared it with others but now it is personal and oh does it hurt. Give yourself much time. And do not let others dictate how quickly you will heal. Many think that \'oh, a minister.......he will pray and it will be over in no time........\' just the opposite, really.
Because of your position, you feel 10x deeper, see the spiritual side to things that many others cannot grasp.
I am sure you have an author who speaks to you. And if you do not, read the book the five people you will meet in heaven..............that took me back and was a WHOAAAAAAAAA book. and i love it.
blessings, my friend.
Great big hug of comfort for you sweetie.. I\'m so sorry to read all that you\'re going through..
You know depression is a serious illness.. It\'s been triggered by so much grief and sadness.. Please reach out for help sweetie... I hope you\'re seeing your doctor..
I see that you don\'t want to go back on AD\'s but they help you combat this illness and it is an illness.. If you had diabetes you\'d get treatment for it.. Please don\'t neglect yourself now...May God bless you and take away the pain you\'re feeling right now..
It\'s often up to us though to reach out for what we need
Much love for you my friend...xo
I contacted my Dr. today. I can not continue like this. I am going Thurs. morning for a Dr. appt. If I have to go back on Meds. then, so be it. I can not live like I have since Nov. I have given so much, to so many, for so long, I have nothing left to give. I apologize for my failures to you here.
This broke my heart honey, I\'m so sorry.