JUNE winds bring change!
Dear DS Friends, I started this journal as a message to one of my friends here, but it turned out to be what I also needed in a journal so:
Thank You for the words and for the thoughts. I need to journal, but not sure where to start. But when the time is right it will flow. Yes I had a interview in Montana last week. I feel I am in the top two, but working for the people I do the decision of who was picked could come in two week or two months. I am taking the attitude that if it is meant to be it will, if not I’m OK with where I am at.
You know that I had moved the ex back in right after the divorce, but was able to locate a condo that she could afford and was clean! She has been out of the house for just over a month now. We still have our Friday night out supper with the daughter and the ex was coming out on Sunday for Lunch, wash her cloths and swim/lounge/get sun-shine, but she now has a washer so I’m sure that will stop or slow. Three weeks ago I started to gradually clean, rearrange things to fill the gaps of furniture and items that she took, and replace if I had to. I started in my bedroom and bath one weekend, next was the closet (NOTE to all- getting started cleaning out the closet was very hard. Maybe it was all the clothes and other items that had such a direct impact of the past. I think this cleaning action has been one of the most healing for me) and this past weekend I steamed cleaned the carpets and purchased a secondhand dining table for the kitchen (tired of a little blue card table sitting in the space, not big enough to do much on and my knees hitting it and knocking stuff over). So I have been CLEANING COB-WEBS from my life in more than one way. Me and the ex are still on very good terms, but her seeing me make changes in the house has hit her hard I feel. She wants things the way they were, but realizes she can’t have that right now (house with room instead of a small 1-bed condo, only working 3-days a week and my paycheck instead of working full time now and having to watch where every cent is spent, Having the company of the cats and dogs [they miss her too though] and our daughter every day instead of going to her condo where she is alone). I can not say that I do not also have my wishes of the past, and I do enjoy when she comes out, but this past week I realized that I do not feel as alone as I did a year ago, six months ago, or even a month ago. And my emotions are not the rollercoaster that they were then either. I know I still have much growth to achieve but I am walking forward down this path that will lead me to a better future. Because although I could not admit it then I realized that I/We had no future unless there was change, and the ex did not want change, she wanted her way and for me to keep being the non-argumentative person I am. My future is not the one that I once dreamed of and I can not yet say I have a dream of the future, but TODAY I know there is a future and it is up to me to shape it, and that is so much more than I had this time last year.
Thank You my dear DS friends. Please keep sending your good Karma my direction and as always your opinions and advice is welcome. And I am send out as many best wishes and good will as I can to each and everyone .
WTconfused
"Life is not about me or what I wanted or expected from the past. Nor is it about what I desire and wish for in the future. But life is about how good I make today with what I have been given." (me, RDC; April 2009)
Thank You for the words and for the thoughts. I need to journal, but not sure where to start. But when the time is right it will flow. Yes I had a interview in Montana last week. I feel I am in the top two, but working for the people I do the decision of who was picked could come in two week or two months. I am taking the attitude that if it is meant to be it will, if not I’m OK with where I am at.
You know that I had moved the ex back in right after the divorce, but was able to locate a condo that she could afford and was clean! She has been out of the house for just over a month now. We still have our Friday night out supper with the daughter and the ex was coming out on Sunday for Lunch, wash her cloths and swim/lounge/get sun-shine, but she now has a washer so I’m sure that will stop or slow. Three weeks ago I started to gradually clean, rearrange things to fill the gaps of furniture and items that she took, and replace if I had to. I started in my bedroom and bath one weekend, next was the closet (NOTE to all- getting started cleaning out the closet was very hard. Maybe it was all the clothes and other items that had such a direct impact of the past. I think this cleaning action has been one of the most healing for me) and this past weekend I steamed cleaned the carpets and purchased a secondhand dining table for the kitchen (tired of a little blue card table sitting in the space, not big enough to do much on and my knees hitting it and knocking stuff over). So I have been CLEANING COB-WEBS from my life in more than one way. Me and the ex are still on very good terms, but her seeing me make changes in the house has hit her hard I feel. She wants things the way they were, but realizes she can’t have that right now (house with room instead of a small 1-bed condo, only working 3-days a week and my paycheck instead of working full time now and having to watch where every cent is spent, Having the company of the cats and dogs [they miss her too though] and our daughter every day instead of going to her condo where she is alone). I can not say that I do not also have my wishes of the past, and I do enjoy when she comes out, but this past week I realized that I do not feel as alone as I did a year ago, six months ago, or even a month ago. And my emotions are not the rollercoaster that they were then either. I know I still have much growth to achieve but I am walking forward down this path that will lead me to a better future. Because although I could not admit it then I realized that I/We had no future unless there was change, and the ex did not want change, she wanted her way and for me to keep being the non-argumentative person I am. My future is not the one that I once dreamed of and I can not yet say I have a dream of the future, but TODAY I know there is a future and it is up to me to shape it, and that is so much more than I had this time last year.
Thank You my dear DS friends. Please keep sending your good Karma my direction and as always your opinions and advice is welcome. And I am send out as many best wishes and good will as I can to each and everyone .
WTconfused
"Life is not about me or what I wanted or expected from the past. Nor is it about what I desire and wish for in the future. But life is about how good I make today with what I have been given." (me, RDC; April 2009)
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