June 4th

I am starting to feel the end of my journey,

June 4th 2022

Saturday, June 4, 2022

8:28 AM

So we have entered another month already and I feel like there hasn't been any progress. The class reunion was remarkable, I really enjoyed myself but of course it hurt a lot with my finances. Being way short on my pay due to the medical issues with me that I didn't see it coming. I guess it wouldn't be bad if I could find someone that is willing to shar my life with, but It sounds like that I am being desperate and maybe I am. After the incident with me coming out to my grandson and me going up there a week later to make sure that they had food for their table I felt so unsettling when I stepped foot into the house being or having the feeling that I am no longer wanted by my kids and the warm welcome that I would get has turned hostile towards me, the only thing that made me feel welcomed was the dogs. I know that I will never get them to understand my feelings and to give the reasoning behind on why I left years ago, they either don't understand or they don't want to understand, at least my other daughter Gabby does talk to me once in awhile but only when she wants something from me but none of them ever would just text me or call me just to say hello dad how are you doing today. I think about them pretty much everyday wondering how they are doing but I know that none of the conversation that we have stays between us it get shared with their mother and if she doesn't like the conversation we have she will let me know in a heart beat. But Merle won't start out nice as she will go for the throat in a matter of speaking. Every day it is starting to be a struggle for me to get through the day as the thoughts of ending my life still looms in the background of my mind due to the pain that I am always feeling. The feeling of loneliness never goes away but I am also trying to keep my mind occupied so I won't try to end my life. But how much longer can I keep this up without giving up. The feeling of loneliness is getting a lot stronger and being at work is not helping much at all. I am trying so hard to use my sense of humor to keep my sprits up but I feel myself slipping in that department. I still think about walking into the woods with the bottle of pain killers and just take all of them just to end my suffering as the feeling of no one cares as I am right no one does. As I lay here dilating I keep thinking to myself or coming to the conclusion that what I have done is unconceivable that I definitely should have never done this. I should have left Danielle in the bottle and never have opened it in the first place and put up with Merle for the rest of my life. Even trying to find something to eat is getting to be boring or getting to a heavy task. That I do not want to be bothered in eating anything or to wanting to spend money to eat just to use it on paying bills that keep mounting up as prices keep going up, just when I felt that I was making some head way in the financial department there is always some asshole their to destroy it to make life more difficult to survive.

I can not say much for what happened on Saturday June 11th as I was suppose to go on a date with this guy but to my gut feeling it never occurred as usual the person never contacted me, So I tried to improvise to see if Merle wanted to get out of the house only to find out the she was going to a bridal shower and to my surprise I found out that Jay is getting married in September, what a big surprise another one who is transphobic and a hypocrite thinking that we are friends but apparently not. As he thought I wouldn't come, maybe I would have or not but if I did go I know that I would have to be Daniel. At least he was smart enough to ask his brother but from what I heard he turned him down.

It is starting to show who my friends are and as time passes it would seem that I have only one in the family and that would be Jacob (Nora)So that's been a whammy for me. It would seem that the whammy's are accumulating. Things are starting to pile up against me and I am going to have a hard time brushing things off. So Saturday I had to occupy my time with something else food shopping and I have to correct my schedual for Tues, apparently the schedual program is not working correctly as Kelly has me working for that day when I have to see the cardioligist and Friday morning I have to see my primary care and let them know that I have a slight lump on my left side of my head which is giving me a slight pain once in awhile. I just hope its nothing.

Well another month is about to end Katlin is married as I look at her new Facebook page seeing her with her new husband I wish them both the best adventure and a peaceful one.

But the whammies keep coming as I am suppose to see the orthopedic doctor on Monday and I have to go back to the cardioligist so they want to put the heart monitor back on me for two weeks. I was so upset and I'm tired of this. All I kept on thinking was to stop living, if it's not one thing it's another. I am so tired and now I am going to lose K.C as well because the State of New Jersey hasn't given K.C. a permanent license to take any clients in the State of New Jersey. Now I won't have anyone, no group sessions and the one from Trans-way I am always working nights unable to attend. But it is what it is. I am stilling hurting but how long can I put up with this hurt, I still think about taking those pills and go to sleep to never wake up. Things keep piling up and as for people they can never keep their promises, not calling or they can't be honest with others.

I looked at the trailer for sale and I do not think I can afford the ground rent but I can afford the mortgage payment but I do not think both. I need to get another job but I can't do anything because Daniel's name is not cleared yet. Do I deserve this but the one question that keeps coming up in my mind do I still want to alive anymore. Thing about it my heart, my whole entire family hates me and my daughter Katlin for the life of me I don't know what I have done to her to deserve this but maybe the time has come to close up shop and just sleep. Every day trying to manage my emotions but I am fighting a loosing battle with it. I just want to sleep and never wake up, it will be better off for my family and everyone else. I have prayed for help from God to allow me to escape my wife because I was feeling tired and she wasn't hearing me. My brain still or I see her in my mind yelling in my face telling me what why this was broken and I was the last one using it and was asked why did I break it, or being accused of stealing money from the store, I would tell her that why would I do something to hurt the family when it will hurt me as well. I just wanted to keep away from you because I felt unloved and was being treated like I was your child and not a husband and  no I didn't know that I was a transgender when I met you, I truly loved you back then and still love you today as that will never change. Even though you had me walking around in holy clothing and shoes that were falling apart. I didn’t care in a way but I still love you. If I didn't care I would have left a long time ago, as I mentioned to you many times, I was just hoping that things would change for the better. The reality came clear to me that you didn't care and I tried my best to please you. There are many time I wanted to end my life , cutting myself with a blade or waiting for the freight train to drive under the over pass so I may jump in front of it as it passes but it went backwards. It was like someone is watching me keeping me alive in a matter of speaking.

June 27, 2022

I am sorry that I have to continue with this problem I am having I guess it's because that I am see the chiropractor and then my cardioligist wants to place another heart monitor. I can not stop thinking that something is wrong with my and if there is I don't want to live anymore. To many issues going on with my body that I am getting tired of things cropping up with my body. I have tried to get my mind to correlate to my body even though I feel that my mind is aligned with my body as my anxiety has lessened and now with my family whom I don't have any contact with and now this, I am at my ends wit's as I don't know how to handle this anymore I am tempted to take those pain killers to end the misery. I am a failure, I should have staid with my family and just let everything end they way it should have been. I wouldn't be feeling this much pain everyday that makes me think of regrets. Why I did what I did. I feel like that I am at a road block with no way around, over, or under it, or maybe it's the end of my journey even though I have a lot more to do for myself or is this God telling me to stop what I am doing. I just don't know or maybe I am lost again, but Danielle is determined but Daniel is trying to make his presence again. I just don't know. June is becoming a trying month with me losing K.C. my therapist, but should I start going up to Pa. every two weeks or should I just don't bother with it and end things. If it comes down to my life so be it, I won't feel the pain. I am tired and I want to end this dream that I am living these past 3 years. I want to wake up knowing where I am at but I don't want to wake up just sleep for the rest of my life.