JUNE 3RD???
Jonathan's last day of school is June 3rd. So, with all that's been going on in my marriage, and with him not willing to stop with the porn, I think I am going to try to leave again. Notice I said 'try'. If he would just STOP the porn all together and do whatever he had to do to keep himself from looking at it, I would stay. I would be happy. I wouldn't have any reason to be mad at him. But he won't. I want so badly to move on with my life and be happy. I want to love myself, inside and out. I want to have a better life- one free from all of the hurt he's caused. I want to someday find a man that I can trust, and loves me for me- who would NEVER hurt me. I want to find myself again. I want to have confidence.BUT- I'm terrified to leave. I have been in this situation for so long that I am afraid of what's out there. I am comfortable (so to speak) because if I stay, I know what's coming next. I know he'll hurt me again- he always does. I know I will cry again. He's just so mean to me. Like today- I haven't done anything wrong and he treats me like crap. Bossing me around and having this nasty attitude towards me. I don't even know why!!He keeps yelling about getting water for the fish tank. Thing is, he wanted me to do it yesterday, and I don't have my own car. I was out with my parents yesterday, but they were in a hurry and couldn't take me to the fish store to buy water (it's a 55 gallon salt water, and every few days you have to replace the water that's evaporated). So, he's mad at me for something that I couldn't control. Story of my life- he's always mad at me for little stupid b.s. things. I HATE WALKING ON EGGSHELLS!!! I have to constantly watch what I do and don't do because he blows up at me so easily. I WANT OUT!!! I WANT A DIVORCE!!! But... How do I get out and stay gone???
Replies
Oh, honey ... I don\'t know how you get out and stay gone. I was with a bossy, controlling guy but I finally got out. The things that helped me were: friends, THERAPY, support groups (are there any Porn Is Ruining My Marriage or break-up support groups in the area that you could go to in person?).
I took huge 4\"x 6\" index cards and wrote on each one the different reasons I was leaving him AND specific days and hurts. Those cards sure added up.
Whenever I was feeling weak, I would whip out those cards and read each one (easy -- with my BIG writing on them!! lol).
I also had a huge \"DON\'T!!\" sign taped to my phone so I wouldn\'t weaken and call him. I had written it in big red letters.
This is before cell phones .... I don\'t know how much you would want to have a big \"DON\'T!!\" taped across your cell phone.
Sad to say, I finally just got way too sad and way too hurt. He wore me down.
I also bought the book (sadly titled): \"Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them,\" because Ken was a-b-u-s-i-v-e! The book really helped validate what I was going through.
So sorry you are going through this .....
PS Being sometimes lonely is FAR MORE WORTH being in a relationship where I am being degraded and hurt.
The problem that I see for you is that you really have no support. From what I have seen the first time you left, your family couldn\'t handle you and J staying with them. Thus, this forced you to go back to him. If you family could have been more supportive, I think you would have made it, at least had a better chance anyway.
When you do leave, you still will face the challenge of, are you making the right choice. You will feel guilty about leaving. It is really hard to get through it. Again, I think this goes back to support. Without it, you face a huge up hill battle. Not saying that you can\'t do it...but you already know how tough it is going to be. Since you can\'t leave now, it is time to do things that will help you and J. Start putting money aside for You! Twenty bucks or there, put it away.
I am not in favor of divorces but with situations like yours, it is an exception. No spouse man or woman should ever have to be so devalued. But this is all my opinion.
I love ya Melinda and I only wish for peace and happiness, that\'s all.