june 25th 2012
After a lot of sugestions, I have decited to write a journal, I have been looking back over my marriage, getting little and large clues, very painful clues,
turn the cheek sometimes when I kiss her
Not being told that she loves me as much as I told her, her reason.. I dont have to tell you all the time, but when I do know I mean it!
Not touching me or starting our intamate moments, it was always me, " I am supprise we have kids" If I did not start it would we be doing it
Her lack of cuddeling after lovemaking, very rare but it did happen
My friends her friends, my this my that it was never US or Togetherness
Very head strong in what she wanted and stating her point,I always thought she was just that way, strong personality
For awhile we both bought each other flowers, hers phased out years ago, mine never did
Her talking to me , one on one seemed to be more of go to happy hour and have a drink and see what happens, flip the coin!
Doing stuff with the boys, go you guys have a great time, I want my space, my quiet time
WHen I would look at her and admire, she would get really pissed and tell me to back off, stop watching me, she would turn a great moment to miserable in a second
Intimate she would call me on the phone, tell me she will be home get ready if I want it, I would be waiting and she would stall as if to torture me.
I felt very close to my wife when we were intimate, and she knew that and played it.
I asked her not to drink till she was drunk "whats the fun of that" she would promise only to do more that the last time and doing knowing that it hurt me.
I know look and see that she took full advantage of me and abuse me verbally.
When I think about things it was about the oldest son ( different father) my youngest son that she would do for and me, I looked like the supplier for the family, thats how I felt, I was a paycheck and that it did not matter if I was there.
I got blamed for everything that went bad, she took credit for what went good. She did try to turn the kids against me, they have the good blood (from her) and mine was the bad blood.
I am having a had time thinking that she did use me and at what point, or was it all along. I was very proud of her,how she held herself, her standards, truthfullness, how she took care of the kids,. But now .. what was that a scam, did she doop me for all those years??
I am very pissed off that she has done this too my 16 year old son, no contact,her attempt, all her behavior is about her and who she can control, not about what she has done.
turn the cheek sometimes when I kiss her
Not being told that she loves me as much as I told her, her reason.. I dont have to tell you all the time, but when I do know I mean it!
Not touching me or starting our intamate moments, it was always me, " I am supprise we have kids" If I did not start it would we be doing it
Her lack of cuddeling after lovemaking, very rare but it did happen
My friends her friends, my this my that it was never US or Togetherness
Very head strong in what she wanted and stating her point,I always thought she was just that way, strong personality
For awhile we both bought each other flowers, hers phased out years ago, mine never did
Her talking to me , one on one seemed to be more of go to happy hour and have a drink and see what happens, flip the coin!
Doing stuff with the boys, go you guys have a great time, I want my space, my quiet time
WHen I would look at her and admire, she would get really pissed and tell me to back off, stop watching me, she would turn a great moment to miserable in a second
Intimate she would call me on the phone, tell me she will be home get ready if I want it, I would be waiting and she would stall as if to torture me.
I felt very close to my wife when we were intimate, and she knew that and played it.
I asked her not to drink till she was drunk "whats the fun of that" she would promise only to do more that the last time and doing knowing that it hurt me.
I know look and see that she took full advantage of me and abuse me verbally.
When I think about things it was about the oldest son ( different father) my youngest son that she would do for and me, I looked like the supplier for the family, thats how I felt, I was a paycheck and that it did not matter if I was there.
I got blamed for everything that went bad, she took credit for what went good. She did try to turn the kids against me, they have the good blood (from her) and mine was the bad blood.
I am having a had time thinking that she did use me and at what point, or was it all along. I was very proud of her,how she held herself, her standards, truthfullness, how she took care of the kids,. But now .. what was that a scam, did she doop me for all those years??
I am very pissed off that she has done this too my 16 year old son, no contact,her attempt, all her behavior is about her and who she can control, not about what she has done.
Replies
Thank you for the journal! Much easier to read!
Anger stage.... means you\'re moving forward and getting through!
Signs that something was wrong for me were there YEARS ago.... I chose to ignore them, pretended everything was fine - even when I\'ve seen them before (we separated for 3 months in 2000). I realized when everything fell apart this time, just how much I did that and was more mad at myself than I was with him. Sure, there\'s still betrayal - he couldn\'t/wouldn\'t be honest with himself or me during this time either, but I had a share in it too. Worst part for me was when my best friend came up to me and said \"I have something to tell you...\", went on to tell me exactly what she knew... MAN, I felt so bad for her especially when she said \"I wanted to tell you, but...\" because she was right... I would have said everything was fine... \"no, no, he wasn\'t drinking....\" And worse, he told me that she\'d made a pass at him when he realized she KNEW - he didn\'t want her to tell me, tried to destroy my friendship, but COULDN\'T... because deep down I KNEW; and I\'m angry with myself that I put her in that position - the one with a secret she knew she couldn\'t share...
Flowers... he gave me flowers ONE time - after he played a nasty practical joke on me at work on my 29th birthday - made the excuse after that that he was too allergic. I bought myself roses on Valentine\'s Day this year, live ones because I can\'t bear to watch things die, and overwatered them a short time later. :P
Some of the stuff you listed (though little) is just normal stuff that happens as a marriage goes on in time.... but you\'re right, there were definite signs. I was listening to a motivational speaker yesterday on tv... she was talking about how \"our eyes adjust to the deficiency present\". Our hearts do too. (Oprah\'s Soul Sunday - Ivana VanZant? was the speaker).
Would I change any of it if I could? No.... because he gave me a gift. I got to know unconditional love - at least for a little while - I got a SON and now a daughter (in law) and granddaughter and I learned something about valuing myself....
When you\'re ready, FORGIVE. Herself and YOU. Learn from it, accept it, move away from it and let it go. It\'s the only thing left to do... {{HUGS}}
I am trying to feel some anger-haven\'t felt much in the past 8 months since he left but sadness.
I KNOW I overlooked too much stuff, but I just thought if I tried harder it would work.
Keep writing if it helps-it helps me clear my head to just blurt it all out.
Reality hits hard. It\'s a necessary step toward healing. We all deserve validation and reciprocity. Acknowledging the lack of loving behaviors presupposes self knowledge and will only lead to a capacity for greater joy in your future.