June 22, 2015
Well I am struggling this morning with depression. I am very alone right now. My father died a month ago from cancer, and yesterday was fathers day, and my child moved out of my home, and I am divorcing. All of my life I have lived with family. Usually my children. And my husband. Last October my husband moved out, and I have been single but I have had my child. Now he moved in with his father and he hates me. We don't get along at all. he says I am emotionally abusive. then my father passed. Both of my children had nothing to do with my father during his last times here. They wouldn't even visit him. My mother is very hurtful so I have ended our relationship, because it was so negative.
I am drowning. Looking for someone who understands and who would like to share their life with me but I have no one. I have a boyfriend since Feb. I love him very much, but he is sort of just someone to be with during the good times. He has been there for me, and he helped me through sickness and also the death of my father, and my divorce, and he is true blue, a wonderful person indeed, but right now he is so busy with his career and business that right now he doesn't have time for me . He makes time for me, but I can tell he cant take my emotions right now, and so I keep them to myself. I just show him my loving feelings and try to be good to him. I try not to burden him with my negative feelings.
but I need some help. I think I will turn back to my faith in god to help fill the void, and try to find my way again to contentment. On July 11th I start Saturday painting classes, and I started going to the gym in the morning. And then I will keep praying and asking God to help me. I go to counseling as well. I just think maybe I need to go on some kind of medicine or something, because I have a lot of crying. a lot of lonliness. I am super needy right now. I feel the urge to bother people with texting and emailing all day long. I feel this weird need to constantly bombard people with every detail of my life, when folks just don't have time or energy for that.
I feel rootless, like plankton floating in the sea. No roots, no base.
I feel very free sometimes for the first time in years. I feel free to make up my own mind about stuff, and to form unique opionions about people and things, but at the same time I feel scared with no backing. No family.
I don't have a mother, no father, I have only one brother but he doesn't enjoy my company. Its sad. I have two good friends that love me, and I have my boyfriend, so I am very very fortunate. But I do feel like something is missing.
I have two dogs and a cat, and sometimes it is so peaceful and beautiful to take my dog to the park and walk through the woods. sometimes it is beautiful to just go to work and enjoy the company of others. But down deep I am so sad. I feel so much loss. sometimes I feel like I am dying. And I wonder if I will ever be full filled again.
I am drowning. Looking for someone who understands and who would like to share their life with me but I have no one. I have a boyfriend since Feb. I love him very much, but he is sort of just someone to be with during the good times. He has been there for me, and he helped me through sickness and also the death of my father, and my divorce, and he is true blue, a wonderful person indeed, but right now he is so busy with his career and business that right now he doesn't have time for me . He makes time for me, but I can tell he cant take my emotions right now, and so I keep them to myself. I just show him my loving feelings and try to be good to him. I try not to burden him with my negative feelings.
but I need some help. I think I will turn back to my faith in god to help fill the void, and try to find my way again to contentment. On July 11th I start Saturday painting classes, and I started going to the gym in the morning. And then I will keep praying and asking God to help me. I go to counseling as well. I just think maybe I need to go on some kind of medicine or something, because I have a lot of crying. a lot of lonliness. I am super needy right now. I feel the urge to bother people with texting and emailing all day long. I feel this weird need to constantly bombard people with every detail of my life, when folks just don't have time or energy for that.
I feel rootless, like plankton floating in the sea. No roots, no base.
I feel very free sometimes for the first time in years. I feel free to make up my own mind about stuff, and to form unique opionions about people and things, but at the same time I feel scared with no backing. No family.
I don't have a mother, no father, I have only one brother but he doesn't enjoy my company. Its sad. I have two good friends that love me, and I have my boyfriend, so I am very very fortunate. But I do feel like something is missing.
I have two dogs and a cat, and sometimes it is so peaceful and beautiful to take my dog to the park and walk through the woods. sometimes it is beautiful to just go to work and enjoy the company of others. But down deep I am so sad. I feel so much loss. sometimes I feel like I am dying. And I wonder if I will ever be full filled again.
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