June 2008

June 2ndYou know how one part of these types of emails tends to stand out? Here is one, that description of someone who doesn't want to cause anyone pain. I think we have mentioned before that this thought, causing pain to someone else was almost a paralyzing factor to me, for a while I thought "as long as I am the only one hurt, it is ok". Then my journey to disbelieve that, taking charge more fully of my own fulfillment, because it isn't ok to hurt anyone, especially yourself. Personal happiness is almost a much more admirable trait in my opinion. (now)  It means that you, well, I don't know, how should I put this? In reference to me I have always referenced to having a backbone and standing up for what I might think or want, despite opposition and stick to it/demand it in some sense even through 'disapproval'. While not wanting to hurt people is certainly good, allowing that to dictate my life was not. So there lol. I think you did understand. June 7thSo I am trying on a thought for size. I think perhaps, that without someone first putting trust forth, no one would be trustworthy. I also think that I have absolutely no idea how to trust someone again once I have lost that trust and that bit a paranoia leaks into the other areas of my life without control.  So there. :). It seems funny how a person who inherently trusted other people all the time now always has a doubt of underlying motivations.  :) Ok back to folding clothes......June 13thI think he is also reacting to my beginning to withdraw from being isolated solely to him, Lydia, the house, and our mutual friends. He is sensing that I am building something, building myself, away from our relationship, a separate identity so to speak, and of course he isn't happy. On a side note I started to stash some cash, and I will someday be motivated to open my own checking account, something the psychologist (still really weird for me to admit to that), suggested I do, just in case, so I could sustain myself for a couple months if need be. If anything, if it isn't necessary, then I have a nest egg for myself. She is really adamant about me starting to know the financial records exactly... although I have been a little lazy about it.  I mentioned tonight that I was on the last pack for birth control and I should just go somewhere for the 'annual' so I can get the prescription. (Bleh!) That led into why be on birth control at all since you won't have sex? Which led into the tireless ups and downs the last few years with hormones and drugs and that I am just plain tired. I just want to stay at a consistent place and live, instead of being at the mercy of these things. The very fact that he doesn't want me on birth control raised a lot of red flags, something I have talked about with the psych and she has asked to make sure before that I was indeed on bc because of his history of ignoring 'no's' and me not always being faithful in sticking up for myself.  June 25thWe were talking about how women don't want solutions, but that men recognize what we are going through and that we already know what is wrong? I was thinking that one way perhaps to compromise on that would be something along the lines of "I see that you are really ________ because _______ . It must be ____________. What do you think would help?" Then after that ask if you can add your input, or something else like, I think this would be a good solution, but what do you think? Ideally if no fighting preceded this conversation it would head off such confrontation. Then you engage in the problem solving aspect that apparently most men crave (totally stereotyping... sorry) while letting her vent and feel like she is a part of the process. Plus, she isn't getting the feeling that she is being criticized or told what to do (as if she couldn't figure it out herself). After all, we all want to pout like kids sometimes lol.  So, anyways, that is just my two cents, and totally not following my own advice by offering it unsolicited.... sorry...  It is just that is one of the core things I struggle with with Scott and something that has over time deteriorated our relationship to what it is, after all, with the physical stuff, all the while he was doing that, he would tell me, calm down, you need to calm down, you need to talk to me, you need to not get angry, you need to do this or that. As if someone really can calm down when blind with rage at being held against their will. That is one thing I cannot stand is to be told how I should feel. He used to tell me that I needed to learn to control my emotions (I'm the least emotional of my family) that I was letting them take over me (I just wanted someone to listen and accept the way I was). A side example that all that is bull, working at the Picture People in Ohio, I literally would be crying very hard outside that back door, have to dry the tears, control the hiccup, put a smile on, go in there and make other people while inside I was wreck. I could control the whole emotion thing, the one time I remember not being able to when I had to, was when he was threatening to take my daughter away and told me he didn't love me for the first time. To this day I shut him out completely, a gradual thing that happened, because any time I say something it feels like it is met with instant criticism, so even when there is a viable solution that he offers it feels like I would rather throw up than listen to him. I'm getting better though.