June 15th

OB sees the parole board on June 15th, 2 days before my birthday.  I just want him to come home.  They rejected the in-house P.O.'s recommendation for release between March 20th to June 20th back in April.  He turned himself back in on December 5th and has been back in Missouri since December 20.  He will be 5 days short of having served 6 months.  This is his first set back.  I am so afraid they are going to make him do his full bid.  I'm not going anywhere, but I don't want another 2 1/2 years of him not being beside me.  I keep telling him to have faith, and pointing out all the changes he's made and how far he has come since he originally went in.  I remind him that it is just time, and that I'm not going anywhere.  I don't want him to stress and worry.  And then, I come home, and I sit in my room, and I cry.  And I think about all the things I want to do to take out my frustration and anger, and I know I can't do any of them, because I have promised him.  So I do my homework, and I work, and I take care of Mom, and I keep money on his books, and I help my brother with my niece, and I pay the bills, and I make sure roomate goes to work and pay his bills and do anything I can to not have to think about what they could say.  And then I lay in bed, and I don't sleep, and I cry some more.  And then, I visit him, and I pretend everything is okay, and I have everything under control, because he doesn't need to worry about me.  And really, I just ache, and I feel like I'm sinking.  But I can't tell anyone, because none of my friends know what I'm going through. So Wednesday he will miss Mom's birthday, and on the 17th he will miss mine, but I will smile, and tell him everything is fine, and that we miss him and love him, and then, I will go home, and I will cry some more.