July2007-March 2008

I am Cree I change my name in journals sometimes  just because I didn't like my real one it happens  a lot in these journals    

July 20, 2007

The title of my journal is simply alone because that is what I am. I am the youngest in my family I have two brothers one in Tampa Florida and one in san Diego California. My mom and step dad live in Zephyrhills  Fla. I do not talk to none of them. Only because I keep running out of minutes on my phone. when I do talk to them I only usually talk to my mom and step dad my brothers and I are just to different and they have very busy lives. Lives that I am not a part of no more. I live in Idaho with my husband and son in a tiny apartment. My in-laws live in the same town, but I hardly see any of them except on Friday, or Sat. they have a lot of problems with their spouses don't ask! I sit at the local park a lot while my son plays and I see he is lonely sometimes like me. What is this a freaking curse. I am in Idaho in a small town and I feel like I am in a box and there is no one to talk to. I reached out for friendship on the net ,but so far no body has responded. I miss Fla it self ,but the beaches and the oceans. I would like to live where there is a ocean and then I think I will be happy, especially if I can go swimming in it and surfing in it everyday. My husband is afraid of the ocean. My son loves it. I wish I was there a lot of times especially when I am in  my loneliness. I am different from the people hear.. I guess because I can't seem to meet anyone. Relocating hear reeks it didn't at first, but it does now. I am alone and there is no one to talk to and in a small town it is hard to find a job to make friends. No cars no way to work so I am a housewife I guess and I take care of my son(shrug) I t is ok but it would be better if I had someone to talk to. It would be awesome if I had a computer at home so I can write in peace in my own home, and chat to people. I cant at the library it is forbidden. Wish I was in New Mexico I could put up with New Mexico I like the southwest almost as much as I like the beach, and ocean. I have been fascinated by Native American everything since I was 11 I am into natural healing and aromatherapy and making things out of nature. I like to help people when they are ill I was in a nursing program when I was hear in Idaho last and it just didn't work out like I wanted it to. I like to heal and help people now if I could just heal myself. I had a dad who died of prostrate cancer, I had a baby girl before my son was born Jessica she lived for two weeks in 2000 then she   died that My grandma died a few years later my son got born and a year later my dad died. I miss him even though we never got along(sigh) I am alone my husband tries, but it doesn't help when he don't understand the loneliness I feel. Anyway I think that's all for now I need to be ok for my son for now I am alone ,and I can be alone with myself at night when the world sleeps. anyway that's all for now.

Cree

We Went to fair to see sheep show..

July 25, 2007

Well My son And I went over to the fair to see the sheep show it was nice. .the sheep were not so easy to control though this one little boy about 7 or eight was having a hard time with his sheep poor little guy he was last in the sheep show. Yesterday we watched the horse show that was really good, and then last night there was a Mexican rodeo cost 11 dollars to get in of course we didn't have it so we had to sit in a baseball field next to it to watch it ,it was kind of of difficult, with the bleachers in the way. .but I got to see at least three guys bull ride, but by then the mosquitos were horrible(shrug) Then after we left the baseball field we went to pet the lambs then we came home (shrug). I went today and it was ok my son liked the lambs he wants to get a horse and a lamb. And I just hate to have to tell him we are just to poor to afford animals like that. We are barely putting food on our table. Yes we could get on food stamps ,but we have been on them since my son was small.. I don't want to be dependent on them I want to try to not need food stamps, but god it is so hard. Today was fun for a little while and then one thing rude said to us by one of the 14 year old girl riding a horse and I am just shattered I go back to hating everyone and everybody and I feel very stupid and poor and lacking in everything our own house our own car the fact that my mother in law leaves me out of things and how no one even said hi to me as I walk around town. Why I do not know. .because I do not look like them or I am just a stranger hear?? Everyone else knows each other in town..it leaves me like always very much alone. I couldn't even buy my kid a snow cone at the fair because we owe my father in law money, my sister in law, transportation fee for my husband to get back and to from work, and then on top of that we have to buy groceries every week because we do not get enough for the week because it is so expensive and we just can't afford it. I wish my mother in law never found this dumb stupid apartment for us I would rather camp it is cheaper and it is summer time so it wont be cold.. sigh. And so the sadness and hopelessness descends on me like a monstrous claw from the unknown...all because of what one little girl said to me.. can you believe that I am so stupid ..anyway that's all I have to say for now I was going to the fairgrounds every night after my husband gets home despite him being tired. .but tonight I think I will stay home they have pig wrestling and that would be cool ,but it would  cost money to I do not know we will see.. sign out hopeless and poor,, ,but not on food stamps!

sorry I am out of hear Cree

The weekend

August 6, 2007

Well Me and my husband went to the desert to spend the night it was really cool ,and the sunrise was beautiful. The next day however they had some kind of music festival this was Sunday I had to watch them all day: my 2 year-old niece, and my 5 year old nephew, and my son he is 4.and my husband had to work since his mom was sick and couldn't fry hamburgers for the people at the festival.it sucked .My son and nephew was really being bad. My niece is afraid of everything and I had three extra little girls to watch they come to the park often and by their selves and their mom is nowhere to be found. It was ok though they were cute kids and I really wasn't watching them I was just keeping a eye on them so no strangers would mess with them. I know this is a small town, but there are creeps every where. I remember that one little house on the prairie episode that creepy guy attacked then 6 year old girl Laurie Ingalls friend? and they lived in a small small town. I guess you can take the city girl out of the city ,but you can't take the city out of the girl. I do not trust no one at all I come from Tampa and there are some sick freaks out there who mess with little kids. Hope they all rot in hell anyway it was alright then I took the nephew and my son swimming get this they do not know how to swim, and right away they picked it up after I told them how to tread water and everything it was cool and I was proud of them then after we had to get out of the pool they acted like the most hugest brats I was so embarrassed. I taught them how to swim and bought them two snow cones and they act like that! Cheez what is up with kids theses days! I think my son is picking up bad habits from my nephew I mean really! anyway I wasn't as depressed as I have been just angry because I got stuck with the kids all day! Oh well. I really wanted to play the sky drum and my husband play the didgeridoo doo at the festival because we both play really good, but we were both stuck with things we did not want to do! The didgeridoo do is what aborigine's play in the Australia outback, and the sky drums is what The natives play to tell a story now I am not sure that's what it is, but its close I think. Anyway nothing happening today ..just bored ..and alone but that goes without saying. I wish we could live in the desert. .we pay to much for rent. .have no yard we only had twenty five dollars for groceries and we still can not afford a car. My (husband) NOT A TRUE MATE  said as soon as we get everyone paid up we can take to the desert, or mountains, or something and camp out for the winter. Or try to to save some money. But we will see what happens. Anyway that's all for now.. Cree aka star bear outtty---->

Might have a job???

August 22, 2007

Got tired of living from one paycheck to another so I found this job in paper at retirement home thought I would check it out I have worked there before ,but I was immature at THE TIME AND QUIT IT IT WAS A STUPID MOVE! Anyway I filled in application and they called me for a two o'clock interview so hopefully everything will go good and I will  be working again. I have not worked in about four and a half years maybe longer(shrug) so we will see what happens. something is up with my husband's mom again she was crying when she came over to our apartment. .and she wouldn't tell us nothing. Chez where I come from my family tells me everything including how sick they are sometimes there is things people shouldn't know about each other ,but my husband's mom is to secretive she didn't even tell my husband about our daughter dying until after it happened .So who knows what it could be .Anyway on different subject hope I get this job so I can start working, and we can get out of HEAR even it is for a little while I want to travel, and my husband does to..do not think we were meant to have 9-to five jobs we can't never seem to get ahead or nothing. .Anyway nothing else happening not yet anyway anyway out of hear for now----->p.s. plus the school system hear is alright, but it is still public school, and all they seem to teach is sex education.  but they need to teach more on other things too like tolerance of all people ,not just African history, and American history, but Native American history, Latin American history and all other people's history to .They also need to teach about saving the environment before it is to late to be saved, they need to teach people how to recycle more efficiently so the waste dumps wont be so overflowing with trash, and stuff like that and the real history of American not just the good parts where American is the good guys ,but the bad parts where America didn't shine so brightly also it would be nice to have a class taught about natural history and how the birds grow ,and how the bears hibernate in the winter and how to not be afraid of stuff you do not understand like the seasons of the year ,the origin of the oceanside and how even it may seem unimpressive and dry the desert is still pretty ,and how the everglade's and swamps might be scary and creepy with all the gators and snakes in it bit it has a natural beauty that for me takes my breath away. Teachers need to teach students about things they care about not just things that is required on a stupid test you know things like that ..anyway  that's all for now .If I offended anyway for what I said forgive me that's all for now------

Today I finally get a day off

September 7, 2007

I got the job at the retirement home and I do my best and get there at 2 am in the morning when I work breakfast and lunch just so I can get a lot of the million tiny little things I have to do before 5:30am done. I am still slow during lunch I think the boss is regretting they hired me because I am to slow. I hate that I try to go fast, but if I go to fast I end up either spilling something on the floor or messing up somehow and then the mess up takes longer to clean up everything is timed at work it is crazy I want to work for a computer company ,but they wont hire no one with out professional experience. .even though I taught myself computer when no one else would teach me,, sigh ..just got to hang in there till winter is over if they do not fire me sooner. .sigh last night or yesterday morning really early I heard the coyotes howling in the desert took all my will power not to go to the desert and just sit there till day light and listen. .wish I could get a job outdoors at night or something I love the night better everyone is all asleep except other night owls ,,sigh..

This week My husband wont get a check this week so that means no groceries till I think Monday or Tuesday when I get paid he said we will have to get over this hump then we will be okay. .ha ha we are always getting over humps in the road our whole darn life is a series of mountain size humps.. anyway that's all for now till later anyway cree out----------->

 p.sa today on my day off I am watching my son and taking him to the park and library wish I could provide better for him. .still no cheaper place to move in to might have to stay hear till winter is over then camp during the summer and save money. I really wish we had one of those cute little houses out in the mountains or desert somewhere our apartment is to tiny and we have no ...yard oh well tales of two poor blur collar workers. I know why there is so many people doing illegal things like robbing banks ..it is impossible to survive in life if you do not have some kind of college degree ..or rich parents! anyway I am out of hear for now cree------->

Life is bad again

October 1, 2007

Lost my job because the people at my job called me stupid and I wasn't fast enough to keep up with those stuck up snobs so I am out of work again and the car we bought is in the shop for the second time. The first time we took it to the shop the guy not only didn't fix it he busted out side mirror then thought we wouldn't notice it broke Jerk. Then my husband takes it back to the same guy and he don't even yell at him for breaking the window god I am surrounded by pacifist please help!!! his whole family( my husbands) is like that except his step dad ..why can't then stand up to their selves. They are all in the constant state of de---Nile hello! I was thinking about my life before the husband and kids. .I use to date a cowboy serious cowboy we had a date for the fourth of JULY IT WAS TO PERFECT AND i REALLY LIKED HIM..to bad I found out he was getting ready to marry someone else and we had exchanged e mails for about three months I think. I think about that wondering what would happen if he didn't betray me and we did continue a relationship would my life be totally different and better or worst?! I do not know but I am really depressed today I find my self thinking of my dad a lot he passed away two years ago I think and I was really mean to him and god I live with so much regret and I really can't stand myself I really can't ..sighhhh cold dreary depressing day think I ll go home and just watch movies all day and read books that actually end up happy endings why cant anything work out for me ,,,for us...oh well thoughts to think about till later Star bear or simply Cree -------->out of hear

what is up with the no pets rule in Idaho...most of Idaho?!

October 3, 2007

Wll  I am looking for a cheap ..or better place to live for me and my family of three and we are really pet people I mean we are really in to pets especially dogs, ,my son loves cats anyway we are looking 4 a place that is better then the place we live at preferably with room for a dog and a cat eventually when we adopt them..so why is the rental houses, apartments and all against pets, ,I swear I feel like I am in a no pet state I mean come on everywhere I go it is no pets and no smoking it is like a full sentence no pets smoking.. since when did Idaho a farming community not allow pets .You know the percentage of people who have pets in their lives tend to not destroy property as much because pets make them happy. .of course there is still a small percentage who will destroy property no matter what. But still rental people give me a break no wonder people are so hostile and you have a pet needing homes problem come on people lightened up pets bring joy to people's other wise normal depressing lives lighten up! anyway I just had to vent it is just something about having no pets in your life it seems like a miserable existence with out pets maybe we should look elseward for a place to live like san Francisco or Vermont or something they love their pets and cherish them .tell you what if I ever ever get on my ..no on our feet again and decide to buy property and house ..I will not go for theses rental. .real estate pet haters. I know pets tend to tear up the place but that is because of the owners not teaching the pets not to tear up property. My husband and I are excellent with animals and we train them to behave ..and not tear up the place just like we teach our son not to draw on the walls or anything so why cant you say instead of no pets say instead must be well trained pets only no pets out of control. Because face it humans including my self love animals especially dogs, and cats to a lesser extent ,but I still like them a lot. Maybe soon people will realize you know what pets make you sane it is people and stupid rules like no pets that make you insane.. well until that happens I will still continue the search for the elusive rental property that does accept well behaved pets only. Did I mention my husband is a great trainer of dogs he trained sled dogs in Alaska and he is very good at it .If we were allowed to have our beloved pets we would make sure they are well behaved just like our son. Our son is not a angel, but he certainty is not so destructive as say adults are.. some adults are anyway. I guess I am just venting I really want a dog ,but can't get one because of the stupid pet policy sighhh you know the secret of long life is ..get a pet it makes you feel so much better and when you can't handle the pressures of life anymore your pet is there to tell you do not worry about it take a break from stress and let's play. this includes all pets even the exotic ones . Have you hugged your pet today? Sorry to mushy. Sorry I am just mushy when it comes to pets. .till later...-------> Cree out we need a darn miracle

October 12, 2007

My husband will lose job fairly soon because there is no work for landscaping jobs in winter .I do not have a job yet I am looking for one but no one has called me I filled in a half of dozen apps and nothing. What are we going to do and now we have rent due, car bill due, utilities, and we are in desperate need of groceries and my in laws and I have not spoken in a week well less then a week they keep sticking their nose in our business mainly mine and when his mother chewed me out my husband did not even speak up for me he just let me sit there and take it He has been sleeping out on the couch the last two days and a half needless to say. .but that's not the worst part the worst part is I want to leave Idaho forever or at least this little town and get as far away from my husband and his family as possible. How could he side with his family still after all the crud they put him through. Do you know his mom left him as a baby on the side of a road can you believe that why does he even speak to her. Cheez her and her daughter are exactly alike they let men rule and ruin their lives . I am not a man hater I just am a hater of men who treats their wives and girlfriends like crud. I mean wasn't there a point in time when you looked at the one you fell in love with the one that made your stomach and heart sing and you looked at her and realized you really really loved her. soo when did I love you change to well your a b...ch and your spoiled and your just a baby. .what happen why do you now hate your girlfriends guts and want her gone from your life? I was so hurt by what my husband did I just couldn't believe he once again sided with his really messed up family then with me the one he supposal loves why...why! So today is not a very good day in fact it is a very bad three days so far god I hope someone calls me for a job I really really need it right now to I am desperate to get out of this place and as far away from his family as possible! at least Florida you knew who your enemies were hear you never know till they stab you in the back (like my husband had done! I am out of hear d..am I need a drink. Whiskey all around and keep them coming I am out of hear.

My husband wants to put me in a crazy place because I am not happy

November 6, 2007

Well would you be happy if your husband is such a mama's boy that he has to ask his mom if his wife me could keep a puppy that WAS abandoned?! tell me that isn't messed up! everyone has turned against me I cant even visit my mom because of him. I want to take my son with me to visit my mom ,but he wont let my son leave with me because he thinks I will leave him. He thinks I would honestly keep our son away from him forever! He should talk I am afraid if I leave my son hear with him his jerk mother will take my son away from me forever. and she is a freaking basket case I am just depressed! because I hate it hear and his family and relatives are all against me! No really they are. They should talk their all a bunch of bad drug addicts! I do not know what to do no more I cant leave and I have no job to get away and even if I had a job to get away I couldn't take my son with me! I think this marriage will be over(is is over?)if we do not get away from his family who are always always in out life! especially his mom! I wish his mom would stay out of our business! I need a job I need a place to go in twin falls or Ketchum so I can be away from his family and him! but I cant go to far or else I cant take my son with me! where is the white knight on the white horse when I need him! I No  I just need a house and a job in Ketchum a.s.a.p. please does any one know how to get their selves out of a jam when all your in laws thinks your crazy when your really not just not happy! I am out of hear god I feel like I am between a rock and and a hard place sigh you ever feel like the world is against you?

out of hear Cree

Not so angry today...

November 7, 2007

Me and my husband talked and he seems to think it is all my fault we are having problems...It was his mom that tore me a new one...so does speak while he was just sitting there not saying a single word to defend me at all whatsoever. Well who cares what ever I just need to find my own life away from his family. I guess I will stick around a little longer, but only for my son I do not want to put him through the same crud my mom and my dad put me through .That was way harsh! anyway I will be the nice little step ford wife he wants me to be around his fucking mother and step dad.. and his sister and brother in law and his lazy brother. .but I will have my own life my own job and my own friends away from all theses warped stupid people his mom mainly no....his mom ESPECIALLY.. sigh...that is going to take a lot of acting.. hey any one giving out free acting lessons! yea learn theses 10 little tricks so your husbands family don't find out that you want to tear them limb to limb easy. .quick and only 4 payments of twenty dollars call now! Bartender I think were going to need some heavy liquor over hear right away! Ok anyway to change the subject I found two people who want the dog I found so that's good since his mother in law moved us into a apartment that don't allow pets I have to get rid of her! The dog and my son is the only people I can stand right now! Oh well she will be happier with them This family I am in has to many problems . Sorry I am bitching and I am sorry ,Today is really not that bad just the memories of the last three to four weeks keep surfacing! Well I might have found a job working either as kennel /pets hop. Or cleaning elderly people's houses both would be fine I get along with elderly people and animals and kids just not my mother in law or the relations! I went to the bar the other night it was cool and I drank a lot and we listened to the juke box and they had some really good songs on there. Too bad the people in this town don't have a club like they do in Tampa Florida. [ Side note  I don't know why  but in all honesty I really wasn't in to the Ybor city Tampa clubs  just to much noise to many people and way to many  let's just call them very easy women not my thing honestly  hear I was just home sick}      Who has been to Ybor city? dude they have about ten or thirty clubs! ever been to the castle or masquerade? awesome clubs. I miss Tampa I love gas day, plus they have the best Cuban food in Florida well besides Miami nothing can compete with Miami right? I am home sick would like to go back to Tampa and live on Davis island or go to California and see what is there I been there three times but only to Merced ,Yosemite ,San Diego ,and Temecula ,and old town. I heard black beach is really cool though not to mention the north shore. I think I got married too early way to early there is so many adventures out there and I am stuck hear for  now sigh oh well out of hear for now

Laterz------

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long time no hear from I know

February 2, 2008

Got job at a good place that I like to work at ,but I didn't get my check yet from them and it has been two weeks why is it the jobs you like always try to screw you over on your check or your money? We were living on streets and away from our son ,but now we are living with my husbands mom and dad and that's fun all of them smoke cigarettes' and I do not and it is very cramped. we are trying desperately to find a place to live but we keep getting doors slammed in our face. We were going to get this one place but dude they seriously  want you to sing in blood to get in to the .....fucking place I mean gee it is not like we are going to buy the d..am place we just want to rent it! also have you seen the price of groceries lately how can any poor family afford to buy food when it is so much. It use to be Walmart was cheap about food even though they are destroying wetlands in Florida as I type this! but now even they are getting way to expensive dang it all we are going to have to go back to hunting! I currently subscribe to surf rider magazine and do you believe what bush is trying to do now? he is trying to get nuclear sonar testing sight off the coast of California for war purposes only problem with that is the animals mainly the dolphins and whales that live there will end up beaching their selves because their sonar will be screwed up because of their stupid war testing what a jerk I swore that is one person who hates mother earth and every animal in it . I will most likely  get hate mail because of what I just said ..I am sorry but that is wrong haven't we messed up mother earth to much already. ANYWAY other then the world going to hell in a hay basket I am fine I am quite depressed though because I can't seem to find a decent house to live in one that I can actually afford ..did I mention it is snowing like crazy hear it is a awful mess I hate it so much it is not even funny been snowing for two days alright already bring on the spring and enough with the winter! well I am sorry I got to go for now will try to journal more later wish I had some friends around hear to talk to I feel isolated got to go by

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Found a nice house to live in finally and a good job but...

February 16, 2008

My husband and I have to share it with his loser brother I hate him  He sleeps all day drinks all the time and stays in his room (that I am glad of) he only comes out to piss, or eat I'd rather have a dog at least you can train a dog! He has theses loser friends my husband and his brother always attract loser friends they all in drugs  or drink  and then smoke everything else I don't mind weed smokers I just don't want to be around the loser ones because they never do anything else and I have been clean and sober since maybe  after Halloween last year and I want to stay that way, I also want to find like minded individuals like me who are clean and sober is that to much to ask!? I Been trying to get my husband to quit but nothing works.. but at least he is not as bad as his brother his brother is awful and theses women fall for him why   he don't take showers very much and he acts like he is a small child . The man  is on social security like six of his loser friends I don't mind people on social security but this guy takes the cake he is the laziest thing I ever seen no ambition no drive no nothing cant I ship him off to the marines with out him knowing about it he needs to made in to a man instead of a people using alcohol  and drugs  loser he disgust me by being so lazy and using people all the time. God please make him go away somewhere far far away I cant stand him. Sorry I am venting I am just wanting to get that off my chest. to change the subject our house is nice everyone said it is haunted by a elderly lady but I haven't heard or seen anything yet my husband and the loser has, but not me or my son. I want to find the history of the house but where would I look any ideas?? well I got to go for now laterz  starbear

Undated sorry

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I found a good job I like and the people I work with, for, and all are cool it is a type of detox substance abuse  place   it is but it is cool. Working around the clients of this hospital is actually improving my own life some what. It is cool, and I like it as I like our house it is like almost 600.00 a month but I kid you not it looks just like well similar to the house I grew up in Florida. Makes me miss Florida and my family wish my family was hear so they can help me fix it up the loser is no help and my husband is working when I am not and visa versa. I miss the beach and the crickets singing and the frogs croaking I have yet to hear frogs are crickets hear. I miss the Florida hurricanes to i know that's weird but the Florida hurricanes have their own dangerous beauty and i MISS IT. I saw that movie I KNOW WHO KILLED ME Yesterday GOD That Was Stupid And Disgusting does it take a genius to make a movie with out gore and disgusting scenes I mean really! it is like Saw four I watched  Saw it was  okay it is the same thing that happened in Saw one two and three enough already dude go back to the script board and learn how to be creative not same thing over and over chez have we any one that knows how to be creative any more every movie I have seen lately is about a old movie I already seen just different characters I mean alright already show us something different! I know I will most likely  be booed but I liked the rock movie where his daughter appears on his door step the new one It was cute I am sorry I like cute. you know what I want to see I want to see a really good book like the Mercedes lackey books turned into movies I love her writing why cant they make a movie about her books that would be cool and different. also make movies about that other author rosemary edge hill those are good books and they are very creative which is more then I can say for theses directors now a days chez get a clue and stop copying old movie scripts already! anyone read the McKeon books the dark hunter chronicles I would absolutely love to see those turn in to movies have you seen the guys on the covers of those books now that is very very interesting! I write books to, but I am afraid no one will like them I write books about selkies, fairies, centaurs and minotaur's. Hear is a movie for you all the Greek monsters what if they were all good and the humans were all bad!? I think the Greek monsters get a bad rap they should write about how they are only misunderstood and their just lonely not evil necessarily..??? I don't know I just prefer some of the villains over the so called good people (shrug) later for now

Star bear

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Today is Feb. 29 happy leap year

I feel like my world is turned upside down my husband comes home everything is fine then My husbands brother mentions he wont one of his loser friends to move in with us! Hello I have a impressionable child at home he does not to need to see another person just like my brother in law all he does is drink ,smoke, and party why would I want another person in the house just like him! My husband made me so upset last night because all he sees is money coming in and nothing else. My husband threatens top baker act me all the time when we argue (baker act- to put someone in a mental institution against their will) we have to leave our nice house because of my brother in law and his fondness of breaking rules and partying and wanting his party headquarters(our house) anyway despite our protest. There is nothing we can do nothing I can do because he got his mental health specialist to foot the deposit and electric on the house I am so miserable if there was ever a time I wished someone dead it would be my brother in law and to a lesser extent my husband! there is nothing I can do if I divorce him my husband it will be horrible for my son and he has already been through enough ,but If I stay my husband just continuous hurting me I hurt him to ,but only because what he said to me is so hurtful and mean. He calls me abnormal he calls me a bitch, and he said oh every one is like him and his family drug addicts and drinkers is everyone really like that he has told me that so many times I have a hard time not believing it I mean am I the only one in Idaho who just doesn't want to party who just wants to have a peaceful quiet life and settle down and not have chaos around me am I the only one is abnormal and everyone else is like my husband and his family? if I am I should  head for the hills and separate myself from the partiers. All I asked of my brother in law is to keep his friends in his basement apartment and keep the partying down and the noise yet he cant do that I am so ready to divorce my husband and get him out of my life, but my son loves him and he is a good father just a really lousy husband I am so sick of him what am I going to do now I have to find a cheap apartment again with Jackass(my husband) and my son and my brother in law will win just because people like him always seem to get away with screwing up. and to top that off I have no gas for our car to get me back and to from work I have to lose out on possibly three days of work or more and I really really need that money like bad! Jackass (my husband ) wants me to sleep in the car with him so we can get to and from work. .but that leaves my son with his mother which I do not want to do because our son has been through enough! is it just us who have the problems or is it everyone!? I have to work now and my head and heart are hurting and all I want to do is crawl in a hole somewhere and die ,but I refuse to do that because my son needs me....I just wish I can make my husband and brother in law stay out of my life and let me go back to Florida or California OR SOMETHING AT LEAST I would have some peace and my son would not be surrounded by a bunch of losers! to change the subject just a little I like work so much you know why people respect me hear and like me not at home all I get is grief now my brother in law has taking my home away from me made my husband treat me like crap and made my life a living hell just because he acts like a child! You know what my husbands favorite line is when we are arguing hey I supported your ass for years what have you done house work and raising a kid is not work I do the real work around hear! Makes me want to punch him or worst I am sorry I am ranting I just had a very bad night because of my brother in law and my husband and I cant tell him no more how I feel because he just doesn't care no more just like I don't care for him no more wish he would disappear you know how when someone hurts you so bad you just want them gone well tonight I wish he was gone and then I can do what I want and be the responsible adult instead of being called a spoiled bitch. I got to get to work more on this later maybe I still have to live with him for my son sigh wish i never met him! I am out of hear--------> sorry again for ranting just don't know what to do is everyone else having as many problems as I am with my husband and his loser brother!?

star bear

On another note anyone know of some affordable houses near Jerome, Gooding,Wendell,or Dietrich preferably in Gooding because it is a small town so I have heard(shrug) I need to move out quickly so I can get away from my brother in law (wish I can leave my husband and my son would  be alright with  it :{ anyway later another paycheck 18 more bills to pay!

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March 21, 2008

My husband and I have been getting along better now ever since his idiot brother got his own car ( a car that he is running in the ground because he is a moron and does not know how to take care of it)He has not been at the house in two days its cool and the only time he is there is at night late nights when we are already asleep. So My husband and I have been getting along ok in fact with the twenty dollars we had left after paying every bill conceivable we took our son bowling. Dude he kicked our butts and my son is five! I swore everything he puts his mind to he can do wish I could do that. today got him a Easter basket and he kept trying to peek at it. He is just like his daddy there. my paycheck and my husbands sucked this week because we were both sick last week we had strep throat and our paychecks were totally weak! you know the only real thing you can do about strep throat is antibiotics,  aspirins, and Slurpee's it numbs your throat. I tried everything else the doctors told me to do and the only thing that really helped was lots of aspirins and Slurpee's, and the antibiotics. Dude this hospital we went to sucked they were so rude and I was in like so much dam pain and I was upset like majorly and they kept snapping at me well you do not have health insurance and all this other crap jeez theses people should go in to another profession no bedside manner whatsoever. and it took them forever to get me some ice water because my throat was hurting so dam bad what is up with Idaho hospitals!? The hospital in Florida Tampa general was the best hospital I ever been to despite losing my daughter there(she was born to early three weeks to early and she passed away despite what the doctors did to help her):may she rest in peace: Theses hospitals hear the people working there are so mean and have absolutely no bedside manner what is up with that?? Also the town I live in I kid you not the food places  there suck they cant cook a decent anything to save their life everything is gross even their burgers how can you mess up on a burger?? Well anyway we will not be staying in the house passed April it is to damn expensive  and then that roommate that my husbands brother(aka.. moron) brought in as another roommate which I didn't want he moved out so we are going to be screwed on the rest of the rent April. When it rains on us it freaking storms and lighting! We are thinking of taking off and finding another place to go we are both sick of the place we are in and we want to get away from all the users the ones that use us to get what they want then ditch us. well I got to go almost time to go home I am working tonight, and I got through early like I always do and I figured I would write in my journal to keep track of what my life is doing around me..(yawn) bed time for now(:O later on

star bear out of hear----------->

March 22, 2008

dude man I need a drivers license and a car that don't freaking take more then 75.00 to fill up. I think I am either pregnant, or am going through the CHANGE because I am so hot while I am working I am like freaking sweating bullets and I am not working that hard to sweat. I need to see the doctor but I have to wait till my health coverage comes in other wise theses stupid doctors at theses hospitals wont even look at me twice. maybe it is stress I don't know I have been stressed lately. you know when you work graveyard shift in a hospital it is freaking creepy wish I could wear a Walkman so at least It wont be so damn quiet you ever heard the expression dead silence well that's what I am talking about. Finally got over this stupid strep throat by taking antibiotics and lots of Slurpee's and herbal teas, but still can't speak very loud this laryngitis-(lack of voice dude to soar inflamed throat)is hanging on for dear life. I NEED to get some honey chamomile tea it is suppose to help your throat that or lemon and honey. Can't wait till the ground is dry and the snow is gone I want to head to the big city of rocks for a couple days and camp and get more in touch with nature this winter has sucked I can't stand being inside it is like prison. oops I got to go the old man is hear later for now star bear 0ut-----> laterz

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New entry

So I got through early and I thought I would try that website myspace.com well I started some entries and hopefully I'll meet some people because dude I feel sop isolated hear no one to talk to or nothing and no one to do things with except my husband and son my mother in law always does stuff with my old mans sister but never me and you wonder what I do not get along with his family!? I am trying to find some transplanted Floridians to chat with and junk but so far no luck so I am running a ad looking for other people ( they do not have to necessarily be Floridians) to talk to at least e mail you know question of the week how does one go about making friends when you are always working or sleeping or paying bills and have no money to do anything else?? oh we'll yawning I took a nap today before my graveyard shift and I am still tired as hell.. need to sleep for 20 hours straight and see if I can shake this exhaustion I am filled with. I checked out my herbs in the book I got but dude the herbs I need to help tired ness is not in Idaho it is somewhere else I need to get some guess through internet(shrug) I have some ylang ylang and some jasmine Jasmine is suppose to give you energy but do not think it is working and ylang ylang is suppose to help you sleep and it does help me sleep but I am still tired what is up with that?? guess I need the pure oil stuff and not the stuff they make in the store they maybe do not add enough herb to it. yawn oh well I think that's all for now later I have to find something to do while I am waiting to get off work in two more hours Geez goodnight..........>