July 2024

July 2024

Thursday, July 4, 2024

1:09 AM

Half the year has gone by already, sill attending classes every sat. Didn't make the cut for the Atlantic City Fashion week because I stumbled, I keep telling myself that maybe it was for the best. I am just waiting for some good news that I can look forward to, But the doctors aren't any help they told me today that there is not much more that they can do for me except surgery but that is not a guarantee. I am not going to have them cut open my back. I have had my body compromised to much as it is between hernia's, shattered ankle, bottom surgery which I elected and the last thing was open heart surgery, that really did me in, I say to my self why? Why should I go on worrying about what the next day is going to hand me or months down the line, I didn't have to worry about it when I was a kid but now I have to.

Being alone, not hearing from Merle or the kids as I am remembering the cookouts we had during the 4th of July and the house sittuation is getting to more toxic. I have to ask permission to do my laundry. As her daughter monopolizes it most of the time that I can't get mine done. So I am going to have to try to get them washed and take them to the laundry mat to dry them which is going to be a pain. I went today to renew my PO box and again the price went up for 3 months to 80 dollars, if it goes up any further I'm going to have to look somewhere else or I hope to have my own place that I won't have to worry about it. Today I also had to get my hair cut so I don't have any of it showing when I am wearing my wigs. My main concern is that I am can't manage my time so I can eat with out rushing in between jobs. Getting tired of eating sandwiches all the time, today I managed to get some BBQ ribs and chicken from pappy's, I am glad that the person who took my order didn't realize my name. But tom needs to fix the exhaust fans in the restaurant, he don't want to get shut down by the board of health and I am wondering why one of his staff using the leaf blower around the curb, the property management is supposed to make sure the lot is clean. I was in there twice and my Instagram didn't get bombarded with messages from Heather, But I am going to visit an old friend in Sea Isle City that I haven't seen in awhile, if feels good to see old acquaintances. See what she thinks about me being a model. I can say she also helped me out a little years ago.

I am going to keep at it with the classes at Barbizon in hopes to land another agency in November, I want this bad so I can leave Arby's and Walmart. Well July just started out and I am waiting to find out what is going to happen with my suit against the lady's insurance company, I hope that it will not go towards the estate. I would like to have my own place before the end of the summer.

There are days that I just don't want to do anything, I found out that my photos are ready but it would seem that Susan is having issues in sending my photos. She says that some of them are good I am just want to see the one with the birds in the a couple shoots. I am also getting ready for the photoshoot on the 20th of this month, I also sent a message to the designer to see if I could visit her shop to look around and maybe to get her to try on the outfit to see if it needs any altercations done to it. On the other note 6 months are up at Mosaic as I am going to looking forward in meeting my new therapist and maybe a new facilitator for the group as well.

This holiday had some difficulty with my depression, remembering the barbeques I had with family but now it is starting with other holidays but not as bad as Thanksgiving and Christmas which got worse because now I have Grandkids that I can't see or visit. I miss my family, was this worth transitioning and going on 5 years as people would say they will come around but they haven't. They haven't even bothered to call me. So far I am trying to keep myself busy working two jobs Arby's and Walmart. I can't say much for Arby's as they have me working 12hours on Sunday. I am getting tired working for them at minimum wage after I have been there for over 10 Years. I am tired of putting up with people that I am working hard to make something out of the modeling career that I started this year. With me I am working two jobs barely enough time to eat as my weight has dropped tremendously as I am down to 127 lbs. As I saw myself in the mirror saying to myself that I look to skinny but in a way I like it but don't want to drop down anymore. July is not even half over but I am over the half way point in the year which pretty soon I will be looking at 2025. That is if I survive the holiday.

I really do not want to work this 12 hour day, but why am I allowing it and I will be working with Rayna which is worse yet. What is wrong with inspired brands that they don't want to pay more to entice people to apply like any other places down here. There is only so much that we can tolerate that something has to give, Putting up with the lack of help these days that I know myself that I am burned out that I am seriously thinking about ending my relations with this company that doesn't care about the employees that have been there for years. At least I was able to catch up on my sleep but it would seem that it is the only time I can after I get back from classes on Saturday but in the long run I am not really getting any of me time as I am always busy doing something, now I have to figure out on doing my laundry since everyone here monopolizes the washer and dryer that I have to get permission to do my laundry which is absurd. Maybe today I can make something to eat before I go to work. I don't have the money to order anything today. I still need to get milk but Ryland has taken over my shelf space in the fridge and the freezer that I can't put any of my stuff in it. I am waiting for another offer from the insurance company so I may get my own place.

Pretty much everyday I think about doing my career just to get away from working at both places but in reality it isn't the work place it is the people that come there, being so arrogant and thinking that they own the place. It frustrates me that I have to put up with the aggravation from them. I am tired. But I am waiting for the day that I can say goodbye to everything and make real money and to be more dignified with respect. I want this in the worse way that I don't want to just survive but to live, in hopes to help my family even though they don't want my help or even being around them. As a matter of fact I am always alone and it is a horrible feeling. I don't know how many times I try to tell them that I still love them as I worry about them and pray that god will protect them and hope that they will open their hearts and allow me in their hearts. In the mean time I feel that God is continuing to open up doors of opportunity. I was offered to audition for I.t.m.a. which is a full week of competition in NYC. I am going to try out for it as the auditions is this Saturday.

On the other hand I feel that Arby's is taking advantage of me, having me work every Sunday for 13 hours which leaves me exhausted the next day. But the worse part is the constant pain that I am living with and the only relief that I get is taking Ibuprofen. My Back is in constant pain from the back. But I must move on and hope for the best. All I can do right now is keep working harder to achieve my goal as a model. AS I stop for a moment I see that this year is almost over. But am I enjoying myself? I just don't know I feel that I must go on as I see the rewards in my future of my accomplishments. I know that I can do this or find away to reach it. Every day I feel my weary body, feeling the pain in my hands, back and feet. AS I am getting tired in the worse way. As I look at my pictures I feel the happiness inside of me that I am actually enjoy my work as I want to show everyone the kindness that I want to share, I see the beauty in myself in every photo that has been taken of me, as I feel the enjoyment in what I am doing and that know one can take advantage of me. I want to share the adventure that I am having to my family, I just want them to be part of it. July just got a little more interesting I was asked to audition for the IMTA, So I went for it, still not expecting anything out of it, But I managed to get a call back but it was going to be at work. Naturally Arby's or I should say Alison ended up giving me mouth so I told her that I was going to clock out and take the call, in addition I told her you do what you have to do and I will do what I need to do. As I mentioned to her that this career is more important to me than Arby's, Paying me minimum wage after being with them for almost 11 years, It's a slap in the face. I did the conference call only to find out that I did make the cut. I am surprised that they chosen me. Now I have to come up with 4K again to participate in the program. Which details hotel room and access to the event. At lot is going on with my career and I am going to take every advantage, so I can succeed in my new adventure. With that being said I am getting close to my proceedure with my back. I hope for the in that department.