July 2014 update

I haven't written a Journal entry for awhile now, and I really need to update a lot of stuff.  On May 28th, I was in a motorcycle accident when someone ran a stop sign and hit me.  I broke my thumb, and needed surgery to put it back together again.  I have pins sticking out of it and a cast on, both of which come off next week.  My wife had a Total Hip replacement on June 30th, and then last week developed a serious bacterial infection that threatened her ability to breathe.  To say that I've been highly stressed is an understatement.  I had intercourse with my wife in the weeks prior to her hip surgery, and now will not again for awhile.  However, I also found that I have begun masturbating again.  For me, it mostly relieves stress and puts me to sleep.  However, it also starts up that mental tape player of mine that causes me to fantasize just prior to ejaculation.  Therefore I have stopped.  I attend as many SAA meetings as possible.  I have a sponsor.  I have gone through all 12 steps, and am now living the program.  Actually, since I have yet to sponsor anyone or bring anyone in, I guess it would be more accurate to say that I am working step 12.  I have gone 3 days without masturbating.  The fantasies pop in my head when I go to sleep, but I usher them out as quickly as I can.  I have not sought out sex partners, looked at internet porn, and am working to be as honest as I can with my wife.  I hate the fact that I felt like I needed to lie to her all the time about everything prior to seeking help.  So my inner circle is intact.  I have placed masturbation in my middle circle for now.  My wife wanted it in inner circle, for fear of relapse, but my sponsor suggested middle circle for now until our medical crisis is over with and the stress is reduced.  This will be revisited in the near future.  I was triggered when someone on twitter posted nude photos.  I immediately deleted the twitter app from my phone and told my wife what happened and what I did.  I don't share this to brag, but in hopes that someone reading this will learn from it and be helped.  I still struggle with some things.  There are nights when I go to bed with such a raging and fierce erection and sex drive that it is difficult not to masturbate.  There are times when I need to remove myself from tempting situations.  Women whose pants reveal their underwear, or lack thereof, are something I need to walk away from.  But I also need to remember where I was in February 2014 before my wife conducted an intervention for me.  At that time I had been masturbating daily, even outside of sex with my wife, every night before bed.  Toward the end, it was frenzied masturbation 2-7 times a day, every day.  I was angry at everyone, yelling at my wife, yelling at the kids for stupid things.  I was very difficult to live with at that time.  I would leave the room when friends were over to masturbate to internet porn.  I would masturbate in public restrooms.  I was completely out of control, and living in a brain fog of addiction.  Now, my thinking is more clear.  I am hoping to get back to work soon, and do a better job there.  I am hoping my wife recovers from her hip surgery.  She needs the other side done, too.  I am hoping that we are able to recover financially, and can take family vacations and just deal with a lot less stress.