JULY 2012

OK...so here it is the 7th of July...and so far I've just wasted another day...yesterday was a long, hard, bittersweet day...and I thought I would sleep last night but that didn't happen...I went to bed at 00:30 and just tossed and turned all night...the husband got up at 5:30 to go to work and I thought that if I could just stay awake till 6:30 when he leaves, I could start my day, by going and getting some breakfast and then doing all the things I have to do!   HA! Yeah, right! Wouldn't you know it as soon as he left I fell asleep! and  I didn't wake up till 10:30!  Not too late for breakfast but it just frustrates me to no end that I toss and turn all night long thinking about all the things I have to do and then when it comes time to do them, I fall asleep...and wake up not wanting to do ANYTHING!!! ...UGH...so frustrating!!!  SO...I got up went and got me something to eat came home and got online...well that's one of my problems right there...I waste so much time online...and now here it is almost two oclock in the afternoon and I haven't done SHIT!!! Nothing!...UGH!...how much more frustrated can I get? ok...I guess that's my vent for now...I guess I am going to go TRY to do something productive!  Don't know what...but I'll try something before the husband gets home and then I just get drained of any energy I have left...
 
Mon.7/9/12 - Last week was hard...he was home from work for four days...we had a fight on the third day and we haven't spoken since (his choice, not mine)...he went to his brothers house on the fourth to barbecue and then came home with food...on thursday he went back to work and I just spent the rest of the week in a funk...I miss my life...I miss our life...my son is going off to college in the fall and we are going to be here all alone...this is when we should be enjoying ourselves...we're still young...but all we do is live seperate lives under the same roof...I hate this...I am so tired of this...I just want it to go back to the way it was in the beginning.  Sunday was really hard...I come home and he's sitting there doing what he always does on his day off...watching tv...then he falls asleep for about three hours...then I get sleep and climb into the bed and he gets up and goes to get some food...comes home, cooks the food, we make small talk, and then back to watching tv till he goes to sleep...I stay on the computer wasting time until about 1am and then go to bed...I cry...I cry myself to sleep...he gets up, goes to work, and I go back to sleep...wake up with nothing on my mind but us and what my life has become...or hasn't become...OH...I forgot to mention that I started feeling anxious yesterday...so I went for walk around the block...i walked and walked...and fought of the urge to go get me a beer...I really can't believe that it has come to this...my life has fallen apart, my marriage is already dead, and the only thing I think about is getting a beer...I know full well that that is not the answer, but I just don't what to do anymore...and now...I am sitting here writing this  and I know what I should be doing but instead I am sitting here wallowing in self-pity...and fighting that urge to go get that beer...
Thurs.7/12 - Today is not a good day...i don't feel well...but it is my own fault...for the last week I've woken up with a stress headache...i did today and it's still there...my day is disrupted by my husband being home...and tomorrow my son comes home from youth camp...I checked my BP and it's elevated...so I called to make an appt to see the dr but I got frustrated because they put me on hold...I was on hold for twenty minutes before I just hung up...maybe I'll try again later...of course, I need to start taking my meds...i stopped taking them about two weeks ago and now I'm back to not feeling well...anyway...I am just wasting away...I have millions of things to do...but I don't have any motivation or energy...the only thing I am looking forward to is my recovery meetings...UGH...I am just rambling again, like I always do...I think I'll go take a nap now and see if my headache will go away...talk to you later, DS.  
Sat.7/28 - Ugh!...I died...my life as I know it just suddenly came to an end...okay, not suddenly...but it did come to an end...I am so anxious and out of control...and worried...and pissed...and FRUSTRATED...FATIGUED...FEARFUL...and just such a FAILURE...I can't manage my own damn life...how can I manage anything else? Why can't I just get out of this funk that I am in and get back into my life...I mean really! it isn't that bad...sure my marriage is falling apart and non-existant actually...but hell at least I'm still married and I still love him...but...he doesn't love me....oh but that's another story...my son...ahh my son...the only true bright thing in my life...but how am I going to finance his college education if I can't even manage my own finances!...ugh...and what about my education/career goals...I just wasted the last four years of my life and they ended in failure!!!...and now I need to start all over at the beginning...but what if I can't...or worse yest what if I start over and then just end up failing again...this is all so f'ing hard!...I screwed up everything...and now I can't find the energy or motivation to start over. And if I can't find that in myself, why should anyone else even consider giving me another chance...why should I even try again...maybe I should just accept my failure and give up... Here I go again...I don't know what to do. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? 
Mon.7/9/12 - Last week was hard...he was home from work for four days...we had a fight on the third day and we haven't spoken since (his choice, not mine)...he went to his brothers house on the fourth to barbecue and then came home with food...on thursday he went back to work and I just spent the rest of the week in a funk...I miss my life...I miss our life...my son is going off to college in the fall and we are going to be here all alone...this is when we should be enjoying ourselves...we're still young...but all we do is live seperate lives under the same roof...I hate this...I am so tired of this...I just want it to go back to the way it was in the beginning.  Sunday was really hard...I come home and he's sitting there doing what he always does on his day off...watching tv...then he falls asleep for about three hours...then I get sleep and climb into the bed and he gets up and goes to get some food...comes home, cooks the food, we make small talk, and then back to watching tv till he goes to sleep...I stay on the computer wasting time until about 1am and then go to bed...I cry...I cry myself to sleep...he gets up, goes to work, and I go back to sleep...wake up with nothing on my mind but us and what my life has become...or hasn't become...OH...I forgot to mention that I started feeling anxious yesterday...so I went for walk around the block...i walked and walked...and fought of the urge to go get me a beer...I really can't believe that it has come to this...my life has fallen apart, my marriage is already dead, and the only thing I think about is getting a beer...I know full well that that is not the answer, but I just don't what to do anymore...and now...I am sitting here writing this  and I know what I should be doing but instead I am sitting here wallowing in self-pity...and fighting that urge to go get that beer...
Thurs.7/12 - Today is not a good day...i don't feel well...but it is my own fault...for the last week I've woken up with a stress headache...i did today and it's still there...my day is disrupted by my husband being home...and tomorrow my son comes home from youth camp...I checked my BP and it's elevated...so I called to make an appt to see the dr but I got frustrated because they put me on hold...I was on hold for twenty minutes before I just hung up...maybe I'll try again later...of course, I need to start taking my meds...i stopped taking them about two weeks ago and now I'm back to not feeling well...anyway...I am just wasting away...I have millions of things to do...but I don't have any motivation or energy...the only thing I am looking forward to is my recovery meetings...UGH...I am just rambling again, like I always do...I think I'll go take a nap now and see if my headache will go away...talk to you later, DS.  
Sat.7/28 - Ugh!...I died...my life as I know it just suddenly came to an end...okay, not suddenly...but it did come to an end...I am so anxious and out of control...and worried...and pissed...and FRUSTRATED...FATIGUED...FEARFUL...and just such a FAILURE...I can't manage my own damn life...how can I manage anything else? Why can't I just get out of this funk that I am in and get back into my life...I mean really! it isn't that bad...sure my marriage is falling apart and non-existant actually...but hell at least I'm still married and I still love him...but...he doesn't love me....oh but that's another story...my son...ahh my son...the only true bright thing in my life...but how am I going to finance his college education if I can't even manage my own finances!...ugh...and what about my education/career goals...I just wasted the last four years of my life and they ended in failure!!!...and now I need to start all over at the beginning...but what if I can't...or worse yest what if I start over and then just end up failing again...this is all so f'ing hard!...I screwed up everything...and now I can't find the energy or motivation to start over. And if I can't find that in myself, why should anyone else even consider giving me another chance...why should I even try again...maybe I should just accept my failure and give up... Here I go again...I don't know what to do. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?
I am a TASK-STRUCTURED type of person...I like thinks to be just right...perfect...and if they are not everything that they're supposed be then I want to know why they aren't and I want to fix it. But I can't fix it...I can't fix everything!!! And I think that is where my low self worth and self value come from.  If I cant have everything just right and perfect, I am not doing my job!...ugh...I just suck at this game called life...that's gotta be what it is. If everything in my life isn't right and perfect then somehow it's my faullt and I have to do all I can to fix it...and if I can't fix it or control it then I get ffrustrated, overwhelmed, and just ... die. UGH!
Right now, everything in my life is spinning out of control...and I do mean EVERYTHING...my house is a mess, my health is a mess, my finances are a mess, my career is a mess, and my family is a mess....FUCK IT: my LIFE IS A MESS!!! And to make it worse, this is the third or fourth time in MY LIFETIME...that I have been in this fucking situation!...I mean really? Talk about being SLOW LEARNER...MAN! UGH...I am a very private, reserved, type of person...so when stuff is going bad...I internalize all of it and put on a mask of everything is okay...I do that for years...and then I go an focus on other things that I think I can control to forget about the things that I can't control...then the other things get to a point where I can't control them anymore...and I check out and I isolate myself...and I get overwhelmed and then I basically just explode and DIE!
I'm screwed...screwed up...and just plain FUCKED UP. Can I have a drink now? Please!
There!...I said it...I admitted it...NOW WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO? 
 
Sun.7/29 - SO?!...well I only have two days left in this month and then 14 days till that fateful day in August when I begin another year of ME ....and there is absolutely no way I can get my life in order in 16 days...but I guess I can try.   I guess I got to try to take it one day at a time. Yesterday I posted that my life is a mess...and it is...but you know what I found out...it just keeps going...apparently life/time doesn't stop for no one and no reason...I've been in this emotional death for almost 4 months...and those days have just kept right on rolling along...I'm just wasting them...day in and day out I do nothing...You know what I do...I sit around and dream...I dream about how I want to do this and I want to do that but I don't do anything...I make plans, I figure out how to put them into action with my very limited resources...and then I just go on to make other plans...I don't carry anyhthing out! Why ? Why do I do this crap? UGH...like this...here I am sitting at my computer at 1:20 in the morning writing this crap and wondering why I just wasted another day in my life...well I didn't waste my whole day...but I didn't do everything that  Ishould have done either...I was up until 2am planning and writing out my Sunday...Church in the morning, Lunch, then some much studying, then some downtime...what did I do?...Well, I went to Church, that was good...but then I came home, wasted time on Facebook, watched a stupid movie, and then I went to sleep! went to sleep until about 7o'clock in the evening! SHIT! my alarm is set for 8pm to remind me to go to bed for the night! what am I doing taking a nap until an hour before I am supposed to go to bed...now...well now here I am at 1:20 in the morning trying to figure out why my life is such a fucking mess...I am so pissed...  pissed at myself...for just wasting away my life by my own choice...DAMN!  I need to make a plan and put it into motion! Why? Why can't I do that...it's not that hard!...I just need to do it...ok lets see: my house is a mess, my health is a mess, my finances are a mess, my career is a mess, and my family is a mess....FUCK IT: my LIFE IS A MESS!!!...So I guess I'll start there: MY HOUSE-is only a three room house, the smallest thing available yet it a complete mess and looks like a bomb exploded in here...so I guess I'll start there...I need to clean/organize my house...that doesn't take no money...just a little no a lot of elbow grease and hard work...so I am going to try to do that tomorrow...later today, when I get up...and I am going to get up at a decent hour!...my son has to be up at 7:15 so I better be up by seven...then maybe I can just clean the kitchen...then the bathroom, and then I just have to worry about the front room...where everything else is...OK...thats it...I'm going to write this out on my weekly planner and get this crap done...starting with cleaning my house!!! UGH...I better go to bed so I can get up and clean this house...good night DS. ...oh sorry but before I want to remind myself that I also need to complete that goal down there "cmplt 3 tasks today" whatever they are...I need to complete that goal so I can move on to other things...I also need to update the other goal: to Be a Happy Person...and I also need to prepare for my Step Study Meeting tomorrow night...one of the few things I look forward too!.  OK for real now, I'm going to bed. 
 
Mon.7/30/12 - UGH! Well I tried...but I'm back to feeling to blah!...dead...I sit here hours at a time and do NOTHING!...Yeah...I cleaned the kitchen...took out the trash....cleaned the bathroom...then I made me some breakfast and sat down to watch 20 hours worth of the Olympics!! Before I knew it it was 4 o clock in the afternoon...finished the bathroom then went and took a shower to get ready for my Step Study Meeting...the husband came home at around 5:30...ate dinner...and then I went to my meeting...the Meeting was hard...didn't think it would be but it was hard...we had to talk about our Father...mine died when I was 7...I didn't like him...and didn't have to bother with him...haven't had to bother with him...until now!...I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to talk about him and my feelings about him...it's kinda sad...I don't have any feelings for him...but anyway...we finally made it out of there and now well I feel anxious and frustrated...and I want that drink...but I can't...and even if I could, I don't have any money...UGH!...anxious and frustrated again... Its so annoying this sick lifestyle...I have so much to do...but I don't do it...I'm not living...hell I'm barely existing...and I have no one to talk to except DS and God....and even if I did...I don't like talking to people...hell I don't think I even like people....I just want to be alone but if I'm alone I don't / can't do anything...it's like I don't care about anything...I know what I need to do...but I don't do it...and honestly I don't want to do...i just want everything to fall in lap...done....and I just want to do what I enjoy...but I can't cause I don't even know what that is...a friend of mine told me to get in my truck and cry and scream out to GOD...and while it sounds like a good idea...I can't do it....of course, I'd much rather climb on my motorcycle and go for a long ride to NOWHERE!...but I can't do that either...I don't have the $money$ to get it running...it's really crazy...I hate money...can't manage money for shit...don't want to work for money...but I sure do need money!!!...damn!...LIFE JUST SUCKS ... who knew that going into empty nest syndrome would just leave me without a purpose, ambition, motivation, or energy to do anything for myself!...God! why does life have to be so complicated? why can't it just be like it used to be? what am I supposed to do that I wasn't doing? WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME GOD? WHY IS THIS SO HARD...IT SHOULDN';T BE THIS HARD...WHAT DO I DO? 
TUES.7/31/12 -  Not doing much better...went to bed a little earlier about midnight, but didn't get up until 12 hours later!...and didn't want to do that...I do have a Chess Club meeting to go to tonight and I look forward to that...but I don't look forward to getting ready to go...that's just so hard for me right now!!! GOD...that really sounds so ridiculous to me...but it's true.
Anyway... depression sucks bigtime...I hate it, especially when I have to go through it all alone...you know because of the shame associated with being 'sick'...Can I set little goals? ...Sure, I can set them...it's following through on them that I can't do...UGH! it's just so frustrating...like my goal to complete 3 tasks: I haven't been able to do that and its been at least a month I think!...I look at them and I just sit here trying to convince myself to get up and go do it...but I don't!!!...as for doing something for someone else, well  I do volunteer at a Clinic for the Homeless...4 hours on Wed mornings...and yes that is fun!!! I enjoy those four hours...right now Wed's are pretty good for me...but I'm still not doing the important things I need to do for myself...know what I mean? ... I've always been a social drinker...but lately I've realized that I want to drink to numb my feelings and I know for a fact that that is not the thing to do...and it is so hard...my husband brought a beer into the house last Saturday...and it's just sitting there...calling me...everytime I open the refrigerator,,,it's there...saying come on...one beer won't hurt ...but I know different...so I go and drink my other addiction COKE (the drink) which would really be so good with some Jack Daniels...but I don't have that...so coke will have to do the trick...but even that is not good for me...and I know that but I can't help it. OHHH...Frustrations...Frustrations....Frustrations!!!
I was thinking last night before I went to bed, that I always do the right thing...all my life, I've done the right thing...why can't I just once give in to the desires of my flesh...why do I have to be the good one...I'm not trying to impress anyone...I don't care about anyone else's opinion of me...and Ij'm not really afraid of anything, so why can't I just take a risk and give into my fleshly desires...the desires that aren't going to hurt anyone else...why do I always try to do the right thing to be the good one, the smart one, the right one...
My mom has always said that we have an angel sitting on one shoulder and the devil sitting on the other shoulder telling us what to do...and I believe that...but I always listen to the angel...I never listen to the devil...why?...why can't I just really throw myself into being selfish and only lookout for ME!...maybe then I would't be going through this crap called depression!...I don't know...God I've really gone of the deep end now...I am back to the question...what the fuck do I do? Maybe I need to disappear again and just get alone with Me Myself and I...but can I do that? can I really do that? ...and if I did...where would I go? ...what would I do...OH GOD!!! What do I do and how do I do it!!!...PLEASE HELP ME, GOD!!!