July 2008

July 1stOne thing that makes home so difficult I think is we are afraid of that. I don't engage in it the minute I sense it going sour (perhaps better disengage?) Usually it's him talking about something and I just go uh huh. lol, that is ok, only if it works the other way too. Maybe it's just that intense lonely feeling that continues to drive me away even though there are many things he doesn't do anymore and there are other things he does well.  As much as I hate politics, he actually had two people call today, one who wants to do a profile on him for a magazine because he pretty much single handedly is causing Champaign and soon Urbana to post their financials online. The other one wants to talk to him about his campaign. So I guess I could say he is a leader, even if I don't agree with what he leads sometimes. He can be very smart in the super technical way (although I think I prized the creative artistic people way always). He can work hard and can have initiative (must stop the buts!, trying to say good things without the 'however'). Ummmm he can be a good dad, he loves his daughter intensely and has picked up a lot of slack in taking care of her while I pretty much became a dead weight when I was at Centennial and on those antidepressants. He says he loves me sometimes, even though I never reciprocate, and he knows that I don't love him. (Still pushing aside the negative side) It's a conscious effort!  Well anyways, I just thought since I actually should try in the marriage, I have to find something worth saving first, other than just staying for Lydia, which has been my tune for two years.  July 6thI wish I could say tonight had a happy ending. I went home, didn't go on the computer, came to bed, and got ready for sleep, being amicable and stuff. I was open to talk even. Then the Law and Order, which of course I didn't watch, so neither of us did, then the want to cuddle. Which I tried to be open, honest, non accusatory, but of course that degraded fast. I told him no, please don't, very nice, then, when the backlash started, "I'm trying to find a common ground/ I'll take anything I can get" but, not in the good way. I told him outright that it made me uncomfortable, the response was "but it makes me comfortable". Of course I was upset at that point, I tried to point out the disregard, the showing that it really didn't matter to him that I felt uncomfortable. That quickly escalated to many other things that I don't remember clearly, but along the lines of "Whatever have I done to deserve this" and "What (the heck) can I do?" It's like he wants me to prescribe a way of being, but I can't do that, because it's an attitude, a connection that is lost, I can't formulate that. That led into the physical stuff (talking), and me being on the antidepressants and him basically accusing me of plotting to kill him and Lydia (I had thoughts of that on the Prozac), but I swear I never thought that again after I pitched those things. About the physical stuff, there is one time in particular we keep going back to, it was about a month before we were married. we were here, in C-U, looking for apartments, got a hotel (two beds). I don't want to go into too much detail, especially since I have probably mentioned it before, but he still believes he was the one abused in that room, even though he was on top of me, even though I ran around the building trying to get away from him, and he followed me, even though he made fun of me as I tried to reach the phone to pick up and call someone, even though I waited, after he coaxed me into the room again, till he fell asleep and then snuck out to the car to sleep, even after he refused to let me sleep even there, not allowing me to sleep, unless it was in the hotel room. Don't get me wrong, he still has one or two scars from the scratches my fingers left on his face when I was hysterically trying to get away, but how the hell can he say that one person, and not me, was abused that night.  At least I am writing about this without the profanity and more with sadness than anger, that tells me something, that some steps somewhere have been made. I tried, I did. It was amazing how quickly I fell silent. After a half hour I was out on the couch again, I had to say "this conversation is over" and walk out. within 10 minutes he followed me, again... which led to how he isn't supposed to do that, which led to he trying to make me promise not to hurt myself again, which he started talking about, "I am afraid of what I will wake up to etc.." Yes, twice in my life I overdosed on painkillers, it didn't do anything more than make me woozy and sleep, which was just what I wanted, for the pain to go away. Once in 8th/9th grade, once after I lost my job at Centennial, Lydia was a stranger, and he was attacking verbally. Both times broad day light, people where home, and so easily could have stopped it. Never hidden. I suppose it doesn't help that I said that he can't control people and he needs to realize that (in not so many words) and that suicide is not something you can control. It's true, what studies they have done, it's completely random. The 'attempts' are mostly people who are hurting emotionally so hard that they can no longer distinguish between the pain and the physical pain the inflict on themselves. In fact, it's a relief the physical pain, because is something real, visible, and understandable by all, the emotional stuff, it's not. I'm sorry, it is such a morbid topic, but one that on one hand I really feel that people need to understand from someone who can look at it objectively, who has seen people there, and has been there. On the other hand, I can't talk about it without all this. this has  been a terrible email. I am sorry. I tried. i did, I came home, wanting that if the chance came i would try to make something, however little, better. But then I am reminded what I am up against. One of the classic hallmarks of an emotionally abusive man to a woman is that they promote confusion, doubting my perception of reality, and always painting the picture as to why I would be crazy to think what I do. that is exactly what happened tonight. Is there room for benefit of the doubt? of course. seriously though, without counseling, we aren't going anywhere.  again, im sorry. but this is the nitty gritty, what is going on, without embellishment or downplay. I feel I can tell you, but at the same time I dont want to, for the same reasons I didn't want to before with other people, i don't want to hurt anyone else. What do you think is the biggest difference between being depressed/ non depressed? Obviously there is mood, but there is so much more to it. I think for me, I am trying to figure out exactly what consistently nondepressed is supposed to feel like. Am I really supposed to be this tired all the time still? The dips? the brooding? I don't really know. Oh well.  July 9thI told Scott I was webcamming with Lars. If looks could kill.... he flat out says he doesn't like him, so I tell him that Lars doesn't like him either lol. July 10thI really, really, really hate disappointing people. I almost feel like they are going to be mad at me and I get scared to do something sometimes. Of course some do. Did I tell you that I finally called Rantoul since I was never going to be able to do it in person? He sounded short, just ok and wanted me off the phone I think. I want to just crawl somewhere and hide now.. *sigh* July 16th  One thing I try, try, try to do, but miserably fail a lot, is keep track of my ups and downs etc... Lately, I have been so jittery lol. Perhaps irritable or excited are better descriptors. Right now, pretty irritable. With my appts, I really frustrate the lady because she can never tell when I actually am depressed lol!! *Sigh*, but again, the McKinley doctors said the same thing. I could pretty much be off the deep end and I don't think they would notice. Of course I frustrate myself as well. I know very well that the deeper bouts of depression are both circumstantial and at times hormonal (PMS in all its glory!!) :). But yet, through a most times, I still have this underlying... well rock. It's like an unmoveable, sadistic/realistic, sad, onery, believe it or not, emotionless almost, apathetic, sighing, ... i don't know how to describe it. It's like no matter what water flows over top, its a bedrock that instead of making me feel secure and steady, exasperates me because it never goes away. Or is it normal? Is it possible to have prolonged, despite circumstance, underlying happiness and peace? I thought I had it once. I lived by it. But again, that was in high school. I can convince myself, be around people such that, forget for a moment so, I do not notice the rock, but it is like it returns back to that base. I'll go down from there too, but when emotion is exhausted, it's back to that tired, resigned rock. A lot in the last couple weeks, I have also noticed that there has been a numbing effect, like I cannot feel extreme emotion.  It's like I want to cry at a time appropriate for tears, but I just stare, or I want to be happy and energetic and at the appropriate time, but all I can do is smile, and then turn back to what I was doing. Ultimately, that baseline, is what I want raised. I just don't know how, other than believing in something that I no longer believe in. So other than Scott, I sometimes think that whatever depression I might have is also related to that. The loss of something, perhaps silly and naive, but to me was beautiful and a reason for living. So is it worth it to try and do the impossible, delude myself again, just to be happy? Would it work?  hehe I keep the title, because these are just running thoughts. When I get all jittery like this, it is like I lose some ability to care about other people, including Lydia. She's going to be gone for 2 weeks, and I don't want to put her to bed. I feel very selfish, arrogant even, in control when I'm obviously not. But realizing, knowing, understanding all this stuff doesn't do a thing. So why keep track? Wouldn't it be better to let myself ride through instead, and let life happen to me, instead of trying to form it myself? I think this is a good description, I am mortally and spiritually tired. I just want to lie back in the cushy sofa of belief instead of running, trying to figure it out, denying, just give in.. but is it worth it? Or will I just end back up here again?  Hah! Don't you love ramblings you can't understand? Love my analytical side? oh well. That is almost a part of that rock I was referring to. It is a possible detachment from all taboo/ sacred/ whatever and allowing a little curiosity and exploration of it, no matter what the topic. A lot of like how I think of suicide or death. It's like those things don't scare me to talk about them, or give me heebeejeebies, it is just matter of fact and I don't like to show that side of me because it is so heartless, it's that rock. It's also like the fights Scott and I would have and I would notice "oh, ok, here comes the transition from assumed martyrdom attitude to self pity, and anger and despair with soon follow. " Or when I had become so indifferent to his crying or shouting watching him, just calmly waiting for him to be done and never moving, or being moved. It's cold, and I hate that. Ever seen the movie "Enough" with J-Lo?  July 23rdIt's funny, somethings that we deal with are completely different, but some.. it makes me wonder just how many other people out there have the same issues. I am so proud of you for initiating, or trying to initiate that time together! It went a lot better than mine did! I think you are right that unfortunately, feeling 'forced' or rather 'deliberate' in your actions kinda sucks, but it also is most likely going to be a necessity to create anything different than what you do. Change is deliberate. The part about bashing other people really gets me too. I have to watch myself from doing it sometimes, but usually it is just because of another issue that I am ignoring. However, it is a huge thing with Scott as well, in fact I think it was inbred, cause his father does the same thing. I have mastered the art of "uh huh", nod the head and occasionally saying "Well at least..." Of course that "well at least" appears as an invitation for them to say exactly why I am wrong and a never ending debate from there. Most of the time anyways, and it drags a person down, instead of feeling like you have made a connection in the conversation (something so essential at least for women). I talked to him about it long before Lydia because I was concerned that he would pass that on to her and I still have to watch what he says in front of her. And I have to go to work now lol!ahhh... one last thing though... that sad/lonely/angry feeling, especially the last one, is what finally motivated me to do 'something'.. which then started to evolve into change, I just don't know where and whether that was good or bad. Oh well. July 23rd I guess too that the anger part, while turned on him, also turned itself on me for allowing myself to be sucked into where I am now. I think that created quite a restlessness, and a searching, first rallying against myself (I don't recommend it) and then him (probably wasn't the best thing), but it motivated me to quit lying to myself, and eventually to other people, and slowly, piece by piece, even though it doesn't feel like it now, do something about it. So was it a good thing? not so good? I don't think either, or at least they balance each other out.  It is really hard to fake relationship stuff though huh? I guess that is what counseling is for, if I can ever get him to go back.