July 12, 2022

July has been continuing to show my downfall in my health and I do not know how to handle the news about my heart. I am upset and getting mad because the doctors are not being straight forward with me when they did the by-pass on me they did not tell me that there was something wrong with my heart besides feeling broken all the time. Feeling the constant emptiness inside that I just don't know what to do with it or how to deal with it. My health issues are starting to add up that I don't know what's or which end is up anymore or how to pay for the medical bills that keep piling up. The other concern is that I was contacted by a person claiming to be from the American Family publishers clearing house, but I thought you win a certain amount not you picking an amount to win and pay a certain amount to pay for the taxes as this person states, his name is Francis James Sense as I am  unable to get the rest of his last name. Vonaah C. Whitmore claims that he received this award also but they call it a grant, meaning that a grant you don't have to pay it back. Which I understand that part, but trying to get details on how this works is mysterious because I am unable to find a direct answer to my question. I know that you fill out paper work for the taxes, I remember when working at the casino's they filled out those papers but I don't know if they paid for the taxes right then and there or during tax time that information I just don't have. I am afraid to come up with the money $300 for 80k, $400 for 90k and $500 for a 100k. I feel the tension that Daniel is suspicious and I do not blame because I am suspicious myself, but what if it is true we sure could use the money to pay off the credit cards and give Merle 10k to help them out. Then I will be able to get a home for myself and I hope to buy a home for my family as well or have them move down here and out of P.A but I do not see that happening to me.

I am always depressed and crying all the time. Trying to figure out my kids hate me so much and merle, that I feel like she doesn't love me anymore always going to Annette like she is married to her instead of me. She tells me that she loves Daniel which I have no doubts but at the time she treated him like crap, having him working constantly at a crappy job and when he need medical attention she failed to help him out. I know I mentioned about this awhile back but Daniel tried to be patient with her but she just pushed him away. What can I do as Danielle and what is she afraid of me as I am still the same person that she met years ago, but now she feels like everything was a lie. Was it?? I just don't know but what I do know was that I loved her as Daniel and I still love her as Danielle but she won't give her the time of day not even my kids. Every day I hurt along with Daniel wondering how everyone is doing, that I can't even talk to them but they can speak to there mother. I always wanted to have a relationship with my kids but now I don't have one and it hurts. Even though people tell me that they will eventually come around but when. That question remains a mystery. My life I was not living it merle was controlling it, I was not living my life as I tried to  be part of hers. I have done many things her way just to keep her from yelling at me. I hated to be yelled at just what my dad did to me and when I got blamed for something I was called a liar so I just admitted it to stop the yelling. But as I grew older I am getting tired of the crying even as Danielle I am tired of the crying and hurt including feeling the loneliness in my heart wanting to feel love again and having someone to love me back. Will I ever find someone or will Merle divorce me because I don't think I can just stand in the shadows and the last time I saw the boys I felt the tensions with Robert and Vanne that I can cut it with a knife. I think about my kids all the time wondering what they are doing. I love them…