Judging and Forgiving
This past Sunday at our church is often called, "Forgiveness Sunday," which starts out our Lent, today being the first day.
One of the things I was reminded of is Jesus' statement that if we judge others, then we too will be judged. We are often instructed not to judge others. And my personality has, by and large, made that easier than some. I simply don't hold grudges easily. My mother, if she did one thing right, drilled in to me as I grew up that you can't judge other people, their actions, etc. as to motive. And because of that, I've always tended to put the best spin on people's actions. And is probably one of the reason I don't sometimes see things coming, because I assume the best motives or reason.
For instance, when I was getting fired from a job back around 1986 (the only job I was fired from until last year), I walked in and looked at the schedule to see what days i was working that week, as it changed every week. My name wasn't on the schedule. My first thought was that someone forgot to put me on the schedule. The thought that I was about to get fired didn't even cross my mind.
But I realized something yesterday. While I had forgiven Gabi for what she did, and felt I had truly done that, of late, I feel like maybe I've been picking it back up. Sure, there are going to be times you feel the loss, and you grieve. That is natural and healthy. But it so easy to go from that into judging. To look at what she did and not only feel the loss, but dwell on the loss, and how could she have done that?
You know there's no good answer to that. But what I feel maybe I was doing was allowing myself to become a little judgmental on what she did, and not just grieving over what I've lost. Instead, it moves from grieving about my loss, to grieving about my pain and who caused it.
No, I wasn't thinking in my mind, "How dare she do this to me! I have my rights, I should punish her for what she did!" But I think by dwelling on the pain, and the injustice of the situation, and how my life has been disrupted by something I never even knew was going on, and feeling the victim (even if by and large I was), I moved into judging. One of the central points of the Gospel is that we move away from judgmentalism, and embrace empathy. It's not about who's right and who's wrong, but about the value of a human in God's eyes.
So realizing that, I'm making a concerted effort to let that go. I know, I will have time and triggers that bring that pain back and loss, but the important thing I need to do is to not allow those triggers to become events that make me bitter. I think I was a long ways from being bitter, but that is where that leads to if you hold onto your hurt. When you hold onto, "How dare you!" And can threaten to tear apart what we've worked toward in our rebuilding, no matter how well Gabi does.
I don't want to sabotage our future by wishing I could change the past. The past is what the past is, the question is what will the future hold? And the only way to move toward the future is to not focus on the past.
Back in the 80s, men at our church would get together to play basketball. I was not a "big player." That is, I wasn't really good. But at one point as I had the ball, I took a shot, and it went in. Everyone called out, "Great shot," "Way to go!" Ect. I stood there admiring my great accomplishment and basking in the glow of success. Meanwhile, the ball and gone down to the other side of the court, and our team was short one person, me, defending the net. And my "success" was in the process of being erased.
Sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed. Sometimes luck falls our way, sometimes things happen to us far beyond our control. But whether you focus on your success or your failures, your joys or your pain, the more you live there, the less of a future you will build and either build on the success and joy you've experienced, or learn from the failure and pain and grow to a better future.
And that's the danger of becoming judgmental, of focusing on what was done to us that violated our rights or person. It ties us to the past and keeps us from building to a better future.
I'll still be sad a times. Can't avoid the feelings of loss. And they are real, and best not to shove those under the rug, but deal with them, work through them. We just don't want to park there and bask in the pain, and become bitter.
One of the things I was reminded of is Jesus' statement that if we judge others, then we too will be judged. We are often instructed not to judge others. And my personality has, by and large, made that easier than some. I simply don't hold grudges easily. My mother, if she did one thing right, drilled in to me as I grew up that you can't judge other people, their actions, etc. as to motive. And because of that, I've always tended to put the best spin on people's actions. And is probably one of the reason I don't sometimes see things coming, because I assume the best motives or reason.
For instance, when I was getting fired from a job back around 1986 (the only job I was fired from until last year), I walked in and looked at the schedule to see what days i was working that week, as it changed every week. My name wasn't on the schedule. My first thought was that someone forgot to put me on the schedule. The thought that I was about to get fired didn't even cross my mind.
But I realized something yesterday. While I had forgiven Gabi for what she did, and felt I had truly done that, of late, I feel like maybe I've been picking it back up. Sure, there are going to be times you feel the loss, and you grieve. That is natural and healthy. But it so easy to go from that into judging. To look at what she did and not only feel the loss, but dwell on the loss, and how could she have done that?
You know there's no good answer to that. But what I feel maybe I was doing was allowing myself to become a little judgmental on what she did, and not just grieving over what I've lost. Instead, it moves from grieving about my loss, to grieving about my pain and who caused it.
No, I wasn't thinking in my mind, "How dare she do this to me! I have my rights, I should punish her for what she did!" But I think by dwelling on the pain, and the injustice of the situation, and how my life has been disrupted by something I never even knew was going on, and feeling the victim (even if by and large I was), I moved into judging. One of the central points of the Gospel is that we move away from judgmentalism, and embrace empathy. It's not about who's right and who's wrong, but about the value of a human in God's eyes.
So realizing that, I'm making a concerted effort to let that go. I know, I will have time and triggers that bring that pain back and loss, but the important thing I need to do is to not allow those triggers to become events that make me bitter. I think I was a long ways from being bitter, but that is where that leads to if you hold onto your hurt. When you hold onto, "How dare you!" And can threaten to tear apart what we've worked toward in our rebuilding, no matter how well Gabi does.
I don't want to sabotage our future by wishing I could change the past. The past is what the past is, the question is what will the future hold? And the only way to move toward the future is to not focus on the past.
Back in the 80s, men at our church would get together to play basketball. I was not a "big player." That is, I wasn't really good. But at one point as I had the ball, I took a shot, and it went in. Everyone called out, "Great shot," "Way to go!" Ect. I stood there admiring my great accomplishment and basking in the glow of success. Meanwhile, the ball and gone down to the other side of the court, and our team was short one person, me, defending the net. And my "success" was in the process of being erased.
Sometimes we fail, sometimes we succeed. Sometimes luck falls our way, sometimes things happen to us far beyond our control. But whether you focus on your success or your failures, your joys or your pain, the more you live there, the less of a future you will build and either build on the success and joy you've experienced, or learn from the failure and pain and grow to a better future.
And that's the danger of becoming judgmental, of focusing on what was done to us that violated our rights or person. It ties us to the past and keeps us from building to a better future.
I'll still be sad a times. Can't avoid the feelings of loss. And they are real, and best not to shove those under the rug, but deal with them, work through them. We just don't want to park there and bask in the pain, and become bitter.
Replies
Cole, it sounds like you are growing emotionally and that is good. I think once the shock of the discovery wears off, then the rebuilding, you may get in a plateau and get stuck there or possibly decline. But you have taken it to the next level and you sound healthy, smart and compassionate. I am so happy for you and Gabi. The future is what we make of it. And with your and Gabi\'s hard work, sounds like you guys will be much stronger than before. You are transforming into life partners. Awesome.
Cole, did you feel like for the most part you lived up to your end of the vows, I mean everyone has times when they feel like they have failed someone, could have done better but maybe missed the mark, playing the self blame game? Initial discoveries speaking for myself here, I probably balmed myself more then as time wore on, a long time I began to accept me but I was at the same time judgemental. Judgemental of my H, and everything around me. My problem was here I am 50 smthin gotten to a point of looking forward to the settleing down years ahead, having total blind trust and the rug was yanked out from underneath me. I mentally and verbally went through the how dare you!! change everything. Sometimes the losses are bigger to ourselves in some situations than the marriage as a whole. I didn\'t have real big expectations, I just wanted a peaceful life, as I wrote the other day fulfilling things I wanted to do though married, never having the oppertunity before, large flower gardening, the art and ect. I didn\'t intend on punishing H, I just had a hard time with the loss of me and the little things that I enjoyed. You are right, being judgemental can drag us down. Your journal is inspiring, with steps towards a future that holds promise for you and your wife.
Nicely said Cole. Forgiveness & withholding judgment arent as easy as we\'d like them to be. After having a pretty intense weekend with my counselor friend ( my marriage is on life-support now), she helped clarify a few things for me... Mainly that forgiveness is for you, in order to ease the pain & live a happier life. And forgiveness doesn\'t eliminate the need for redemption and true repentance - something my friend sees only in 1 out of ten adulterers.
Triggers are what they are & need to be dealt with in the moment, by the CS, if they are not to send us back down the path of pain & questioning/ judgement.
Seems like you have a good handle, or map on how we should ideally move forward after infidelity. But setbacks are expected so I hope you won\'t be too hard on yourselves when those negative emotions creep in once in a while.
All true, Crossroads. Momshummingbird, I assume by vows you are referring to my marriage vows? On the vows themselves, pretty much, yes. But whether I was the perfect husband and father, no. I\'ve made my mistakes and I\'ve said in other places that my big sin against her was in not spending the time with her she needed. I had my world, my goals, and just general chit chat didn\'t seem all that important. Going to the store with her \"needlessly\" (that is, she didn\'t need me to help) when i could be getting things done didn\'t seem all that critical. So i didn\'t spend the time with her, and because that was high on her list of how she felt loved, I didn\'t make her feel that I loved her as much as i really did. Likewise, we didn\'t have sex much. And while I had come to terms with that, it still meant she didn\'t want to be that involved with that part of my life. I accepted what I got and was grateful. But early in our marriage the lack of sex was a big deal that made me question whether she really loved me or not. The ironic thing is if she\'d been open to having sex with me on a more regular basis, we would have by default spent more time together. We\'ve never been a \"wham, bam, thank you mam\" sort of sex.
And there are other things we we both failed each other. I won\'t bother going into all those again here. But, despite all that, we both felt we loved each other and that we had a happy marriage. As a matter of fact, when my wife first went to counseling (I wasn\'t there for the first one), she was convinced she had a sex addiction problem. The counselor concluded she didn\'t have a sex problem, but a marriage problem. My W said, \"But we\'re happily married. Neither of us felt out of love with each other. And she was right on that point. She\'d even told the OM that if I found out, the relationship was over because she wouldn\'t leave me. He knew going into it, though I\'m sure he hoped, that she loved me more and wouldn\'t leave me for him. And maybe if it had gone on long enough, that might have changed. Who knows.
But yes, judging is hard not to do. I\'ve realized that even though it is brief, I tend to judge other drivers on the road, even call them names sometimes. Why I feel fine doing that when I wouldn\'t to their faces is a mystery. lol.