Joy to the world

Sigh. The last month or two have been sort of hard in a unique way. It's been the - well, it's not lack of motivation; it's probably something along the lines of despair. I was driving through one of the real "towns" the other week; they had those people that stand in the intersection to collect your spare change. I thought I need to get my own can ...
Since this is the 3rd divorce he has instigated, most of the patterns are in place and known ... try to scare me, definitely deprive me and when he's got the upper hand, "wap" and destroy as much as possible.
Was counting the months the other day ... it's been 20 months of limbo, I remain a "legally regulated hostage". I started out with fair optimism in the beginning, but again, I feel something like despair. Part of it is knowing that in the 1st action, he had a settlement agreement drawn up after only 4 months. It awarded him everything bet the broken down car and my credit card debt (only $800 back then ... before he started rampaging post-divorce).
I met with my attorney several weeks ago to go over his proposal. It was not fleshed out; the gist of it was that he would pay off my debts (yeah, right). I asked for some clarification (as I know as long as a debt is in my name, it doesn't matter what a judge anywhere writes in an order. SO much for the law ... I gave her the check he won't sign, flinched a bit as I pictured the attorney fees eating it up. He was asked to sign it several weeks ago through his attorney and refuses. Sometimes I am on the near verge of tears because I never did this to him ... nothing even remotely close. I know he is trying to "starve me out"; it's a siege I can't win because of his mother's 400+ ounces of gold and etc.  We had 40 ounces, but he took mine and only gave me one in the last action. I think it would be almost $30k now and I would have just left and not be in limbo. I know he is trying to force me into bankruptcy, too. He is angry at me because HE didn't pay two credit cards in his name at the beginning of this... he considers the debt mine, so he just didn't pay. And THAT, of course is my fault. And I wonder how his brain can even be said to be working ... he took off with another woman, came back and lied through his teeth about it. then tells me this will be the fastest divorce ever because he has found genuine, mature love ... would he REALLY expect someone to give away their money right after being told they are being screwed over ... again?
I received a letter from my attorney end of last week telling me his proposal was rescinded ... it's a game to him; kick back, screw someone else's wife and play mind games and "destructo" with yours. I checked a few weeks back; she's still not involved in any divorce action ... I wonder sometimes if her husband even realizes (or cares) that she is still having sex with mine. And the affair hurts, not from the personal standpoint ... I am at the point where, honestly, people that behave as they are (and his mother encouraging and supporting) ... I see that as about three steps below white trash. Not someones I really want to be around. The pain is from EVERYTHING I have gone through already, then his heart attack and foot ... I've been through the wringer. I know I didn't do anything deserving of this treatment and I know damn well this double betrayal ... I told him before I don't want to go through it again and I don't want our children to ... does he care? NO. He has decimated our standard of living; he doesn't care. He told me (the other day he called me to ask me to "get together" with him and we can file a joint bankruptcy ... then his inheritance will be free and clear and of course, if I were to do that, I'd be faced with 10 years of higher interest, higher insurance premiums and limits in terms of people who might otherwise employ me.
He won't be having to rearrange his universe yet again (no, that will be me, so that he can have HIS WAY). And I think if how much betrayal from a nurse, of all people. When all this started, I learned that most affairs fizzle out once they are discovered or after "reality" and the day to day set in. I hear she has a job again, her husband has a good job; he is supporting her and they live together as "normal" while I no longer know what to expect ... younger daughter had breast cysts removed the other week. I'm sort of resigned to the fact that I will just hand my money over for some time to come.
I'm trying to brainstorm some ideas; I have books listed for sale but want to put them on my "own" site; when I buy books on-line, I am apt to buy more than one, except that they charge $3.50 shipping for each. I want to get rid of that and combine the shipping. I have checked a few sites for e-commerce for prices and options; I "think" I can basically transfer my inventory (it would actually be "double-listed", but that's not an issue). I have been rummaging for other things I can sell, making lists and taking pix. I was thinking of maybe printing up flyers requesting donations; not cash in this one, but it was "big garbage day" yesterday; I was thinking I could ask for donations of things like (additional!) books, small furniture and the like. A few years ago, I started getting odds and ends of furniture, painting and redoing it; I built a fairly cool case for our DVDs and etc; It cost like $10 for the parts, then the finishing stuff. But it's 3 cupboards stacked - a short, wide one on the bottom and two used kitchen cabinets (two doors wide and tallish); the whole thing is a bit taller than me ... about 6 foot. Took the doors off the top cupboard to display books, a small lamp, etc.I wish I had more time and ease for that sort of thing ... it's enjoyable although challenging, since there are a lot of things I still don't know, in terms of finishing, etc.
 
But anyway, I also started working on my blog. I "reserved" it last fall when I knew I might want to do one but wasn't sure what to do with it. I wrote a couple of posts, very general but getting a bit of an idea where I may be going with it. I've been appalled by my own experiences with Family Court and have learned of some pretty appalling treatment others have been through. I'm guessing the people in the "industry" as I think of it, now, are jaded to it ... they must be, they all act as if tearing your marriage, family and life apart ... hey, it's no big deal!! Have a nice day. I don't think it's right to have all these requirements for either having an attorney or speaking perfect legalese to access the Court (and receive justice, fair justice). It would be like saying that you must hire a medical specialist to accompany you to appointments or the ER and all, that's just crazy. Or telling you you have to describe all your symptoms formally, using technical jargon. Not to mention that I still feel shocked that when we went for the divorce, presented the agreement for joint custody, I get the decree and it is awarded to him ... no warning. I wouldn't have left, had I known. How is a person supposed to know what I was later told, that "judges don't like joint custody." What the HEY does a judicial preference MATTER, anyway? And why did he not speak up. I'm sorry if I sound above myself, but it's bogus. How can the Court basically usurp your authority and power and rights, all because you naively and accidentally marry a non-committed, promise breaking momma's boy? So sure, I assume I will mostly be throwing my words into the wind with little return, but it may help someone or something. Don't know how long I walked around in shock, wondering if I was still in "real life" or was stuck in a coma or dream ...
I put a donation button on my site and mentioned my hope to have my "sellables" soon. That is another area I am not sure about. I would feel fine about doing stuff like this on behalf of someone else, but it puts my heart into my throat. Not sure how "much" info I should put out. I know there are a lot of people struggling, I don't want to be sounding like a sob sister, but I DO NOT want to let this guy pound me into oblivion or real despair. I want my daughters to see glimpses of the "old me" that they don't remember because they were so young ... competent, curious, energetic, sense of humor ... they felt perfectly safe with me. In fact, I used to pack them up and we'd go for a ride, get away because he was in one of his moods. I want to reverse the effects of the poison and lies he and his relatives have told them ... I need to succeed, whether modestly or better.
I was reading other people's journals and came across Quepasa's, where she had mentioned her ExBIL was living in her condo at very reduced rate. And again, I don't want to leech or take advantage, but I keep racking my brain ... how could I do this or that, blah blah. Mostly, though, it's the sort of thing that usually happens only in books. BUT, in between when we sold our last house and this was set, I came up with the idea to ask an older couple who normally host missionaries if we might stay in their housing for a few weeks. There was no conflict. It was perfect! Fully furnished, down to the silverware ... we put out things in storage and no charge other than if we were to use long distance. So I maybe hold out some hope.
All else still working on; progress "feels" slow. But used to it from past endeavors, although it still stresses me. Both daughters and I have been walking around with upset, IBS symptoms ... always slightly feeling like I want to throw up. Gross!