Joy and pain
Oftentimes I do feel joy, but this pain, this pain of not being loved stares me in the face. It is an emptiness that I find I am filling by being the compassionate and empathetic mother to my inner child. I wonder if that pain will ever go away. I have much love in my life today and am secure in my marriage and my family life, but....that pain remains. All I have to do is talk about ithe abuse and the tears start welling up in my eyes and I cry. Could this be the grief I was never able to feel. This grief seems to linger in my heart and soul. I would think not having a mother, and then having 2 foster mothers who did not care for me and whatever love was given, if ever there was any love, had conditions. I was never loved fully for the person I am and was. Could what I feel have every thing to do with not having a mother. I have read that the relationships with our mothers is very important. I never had a good role model of what I woman and a mother should be. In spite of my not getting any kind of love from a mother, I do love and respect my son. I have never, even as a child layed a hand on my son to spank him. I knew from the start that I would never hit my son. I have been in a group of people and shared my beliefs about spanking and stand alone often. That is okay. How often I heard the words, well I was beaten and look how I turned out. Of course I think a lot of those who said that are in denial. Denial has its place, but not in my life. Those who I know do not have close relationships with their children. HMMMMMM wonder why. I feel I do have a good relationship with my son. Mothers day is wonderful for me, because my son always writes the most beautiful of words in the cards he gives me. After I read what he wrote we embrace and stand before each other crying. Oh, when I thnk of those times, I thank God that I did not hurt my son by demeaning or putting him down. I am quite fortunate to not have repeated the abuse, but this soul of mine could not hurt anyone. How often I heard that those abused continue the abuse. I did not, I broke the chain of abuse, and I am grateful I was guided by the God I believe in. I can feel all these feelings and be okay with whatever I feel at any given moment. I don't have the fear that I will not be able to cope as I did when I first started this journey to healing. Oh, I still have days filled with fear, but now I face that fear whatever it might be. I say to myself this too will pass. And it does. Nothing remains the same. I am awestruck reading the strength I see on DS. The survivors that have touched my heart and soul. Those who are still suffering and don't know where to turn. How I wish I could heal them, but I know I cannot, all I can do is pray for their healing. Pray that they too come to a place of understanding that it was NEVER their fault that they were abused. That mindset alone takes time, lots of time. I am soooooooooooooo grateful for the strength I know and believe I have that I never knew I had. The strength to move thru this grief, this sadness, this anger. Maybe I am in my time of mourning for all the losses I suffered as a child. I am willing to go into the grief, because grief is temporary. It is my time to heal, it is my time to cry for Little Jeanette and what she had to endure. It is time to keep looking ahead to a life without this pain. Since I am very motivated to heal, I will stay in whatever place I 've been put in to move thru this. No bad situation lasts forever. I have seen that in my life. What I felt back in 1987 when I first started therapy is not the feeling I have now. I have hope. A renewed hope of experiencing wholeness. But I know one must first go thru the pain, express it, feel it to heal. There is no way around that. I hold all those I read about in my heart and soul and just remain constant in my prayers for their healing.