Journey to the Center of My Brain
Last night I decided to send my W an email. I've always heard that women like to know what's going on inside a guys head. And I am emotionally hard to read. And also, I tend to think through things best by writing them down. So I felt a need to dive into my mind and work through why I have been feeling a little odd lately. A little of a personal letter at points, but nothing real mushy. But it is long. (No surprise there, eh?) So grab some coffee or tea and enjoy. Here's my letter to her just for people who may be going through some of the same things.
BTW, I've extracted out any names and details and replaced them with what is between double-brackets: [[ ]] Here's the letter otherwise known as "the journey to the center of my brain":
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I just wanted to tell you more of where I'm at with the whole rebuilding thing. No, don't worry, this isn't a "I've had it, can't take no more" email. I would talk with you personally if that were the case. First, I do want to tell you what I'm so glad about through this so far as we head toward our first dday anniversary and our 30th. I'm very happy that you have worked as you have at the rebuilding process. You've helped me heal a lot because of it, and gain a foothold in trust that everyone said would take me one to two years to attain. Still, I find myself worrying at times that I'll suddenly find out a surprise. I know mentally that is unlikely. But I can't help but feel afraid that I'll suddenly discover some cover up, that you've just gotten better about hiding your tracks, and I'll be made to look like the fool. I guess it will take time before that fear goes away. I guess once you've been hit with it, it just takes some time before you no longer "flinch." I'm also glad that we have grown much closer through this and improved our marriage. Spending more time with you each day and week has helped us a lot. Having sex regularly hasn't hurt either. lol. I wish we had done this years ago. We might not be at this point if we had. But as I've indicated in recent post and journal entries, it seems something is off. And I think now I'm beginning to understand why BSs have problems around one year out. Most of it involves the process of changing and developing a new identity. Doing that involves a period of uncomfortableness with the changes. You have a feeling of longing for the comfort and familiar patterns of how life was before all this happened. I've even experienced this with sex. Strangely enough. Not frequently, and I certainly don't want to go back to the way it was before, so don't take this wrong. But there have been times when I wanted the comfortableness and familiarity of just masturbating and not needing to have sex with you so much. It isn't that I don't want to have sex with you, but the other was familiar, did it for years that way, had pretty much accepted that it was going to be that way for the rest of our married life. Never expected that to change. And here we are, almost a year and a half after that did change, and still going strong. I love sex with you and want you as often as possible. Don't ever think I don't. But the feeling I experienced is what I think the identity change brings on. The various changes we've made still have to be incorporated, still need to feel "normal" and until that happens, it can be easy to look back when things did feel normal and wish they were that way again. Even if they weren't the best mode of operating. Make sense? I suppose it is a process in that regard. In time, it will feel normal what we are doing now. I know that what we are doing now is how it should have been all along. This should feel normal. But it doesn't yet. And the struggle up until it does feel normal is occasionally a feeling of wishing you didn't feel like you had to "struggle" with being different all the time. And I guess for the BS, that is compounded by the fact that I didn't chose this avenue of our life. I'm simply having to deal with the fact of what was done to me, to us. Whether I like it or not. If I want to keep you, I have to change. I can't be what I had been like for years, as comfortable and normal as that may feel. So I think a lot of BSs get to a year out, are dealing with the pain of adopting this new identity and what they conclude is "this isn't working" because they don't think they should be feeling these things if they had really dealt with the affair and gotten over it. And that's part of what I told [[our daughter]] tonight. Last night. I'm still dealing with the pain of the affair. It seems my mind thinks on occasion more about it now than I did a few months ago. It's just so unfair and everything. I shouldn't have had to deal with this. I told Kalee about our lack of sex back in [[a town we used to live in]], and how I thought about cheating and had opportunity at work to do so. But chose not to despite frustration and having to deal with it all. And told her about the night I came to bed at 2 or 3 am and you woke up and we had sex after I had been praying and dealing with it. And how I had avoided cheating, how I thought if either of us cheated, it would have probably been me, but as it turned out, I remained faithful all these years and you didn't. Not to hurt you, but it is just so unfair that I didn't give in, I stayed true, but you couldn't. Like, that's the thanks I get. Sorry, but I guess the pain is still there. I hate what we've lost. I'm still grieving for the positives we did have that we no longer can claim. All my efforts to remain faithful and keep our marriage bed "undefiled" seem to have been for naught. Not that I should have had an affair, because now I've missed out on the fun of having sex with someone else. I don't consider that to be "fun" that I've missed out on. Pain I've missed out on? Yes. Fun. Maybe a brief thrill, that would have been empty and meaningless, and not worth the damage and pain. But you know that now. I wish you'd felt and known that before you decided to sex chat [[the first OM]] back. You might have run instead of jumped in. But it's like, all those years of faithfulness destroyed in seven months. Even two months really, because [[the first OM]] was a full affair. If you lusted in your heart, and you did, Jesus said you've committed adultery. That's the point of an EA. And though it wasn't intercourse, it did turn physical at the end. But you did have sex with him, at least in your mind. I can only imagine all the fantasies you had after he left about having sex with him and what it would have been like. Who knows how many times you had sex with him inside yourself. Okay, this is turning into a venting session to a degree. I'm wondering if I should even send this now. I'm not wanting to hurt you, or make you feel bad. On the other hand, you probably need to know what I'm still going through. I don't want to hide it from you either. But the above maybe sounds worse than it actually is. But I think it is the continued dealing of the losses and the struggle to adjust one's identity that causes people at about a year out to come to the conclusion, "I just can't handle this any more." Like Sadjess's H did. Of course, you see a lot of people go past the one year mark that don't fall apart. But the wishing things could go back to how they were before, feeling the current situation isn't "normal" and after a year of dealing with it, you can grow tired and just want it to end, I can see how some people at that point fall apart. I don't think I'm anywhere near that, FYI. Yes, I'm feeling occasional remorse at the loss and pain I've gone through. Yes, I'm feeling sometimes that I'm tired of feeling like I'm being someone I'm not. I just want to be "normal" again. And right now, this doesn't feel normal. Eventually it will, but it might take a few more months before we're there. So maybe this is more a plea to be patient with me. I hope I don't start having deeper problems with all this. I don't think I will, but then again, I've never been down this road before. I find myself resenting having to do certain things that before I would not have been expected to do. But I do them because now I have to. I don't even want to say what they are, because I don't want you to think I don't want to do them. I want to do them for you. But part of me resists and feels like it shouldn't be required or my job. If I'm there and available, I'll do whatever. But I don't want it to be expected of me. I have to fight that feeling. It isn't good. I know. Being part of the family means pitching in and helping when needed. But I guess part of me feels like part of my life has been stolen from me. I'll never get it back. I give up what I want so others can be happy. Meanwhile, I don't get my life back. For a large part, I feel I've given away who I am and can't get it back. What I want to do isn't important any longer. All this other stuff is. Stuff I didn't use to think was important. Like going to the store. Working out. But they are only important to me now because you are. I know it is a very selfish attitude. I had a very selfish attitude. I wanted to work on what I wanted to work on, and anyone or anything that took away from that was anathema. Even church and my job. I hated giving up any time to other things than my projects and what I wanted to work on. And only did it when I absolutely had to. When I literally didn't have a choice. So the selfish part of me is fighting with me, saying I shouldn't have to put up with giving that away. It is unfair that my life was turned upside down and now I'm having to do what everyone else wants me to do. And I just subsist from day to day. Feeling almost like a zombie, no emotions, no feeling, no life. Just here to make sure everyone else is happy. That's what my selfish side is telling me. It hates that it is losing out and dying. And it isn't going down without a fight. But I've been selfish far too long, and the reality is that I do want to claim those things I've been missing out on all these years by not spending time with you, by not being as involved, by not being a team player with you and the kids. But like it was difficult for you to cut ties with [[the last OM]], it is difficult for me to cut ties with how I've always been for most of our marriage. To change out of those comfortable, even though wrong, pattens of behavior isn't easy. Part of me wishes I could go back and rest there. The other part of me knows I can't, and I will be glad I didn't down the road. But right now, to some extent, I feel sort like I'm just going through the motions without a lot of feeling. Oh, I love you very much. I hope that is obvious enough. And I don't want to change a thing of what we are doing. I don't want you to text less, call me less, or do anything that allows me to give into my selfish side. I'm not making a case that you do anything different. Only letting you know what is going on inside of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I think we'll get through this. And we'll have a long and beautiful life together. I've probably painted a more bleak picture above than it really is. But I do feel a bit like I've not really come out of the disorientation of getting blindsided by the affair. I feel like I'm still getting on the bus and saying, "I came on the rocket car!" [[Reference to the movie "Rat Race" if you've seen it, otherwise it won't make much sense.]] So I know some of what was said above will probably make you cry. Sorry about that. But there you have it. Just pray for me. I've got my own journey to make. And I want to do as well with mine as you've done with yours. I really am impressed and ecstatic with how well you've done. I feel like the luckiest BS in the world. Well, if I'm going to get any sleep, I'd better get to bed. It's taken longer than I imagined to write this. But I felt it might be good for me to get this all off my chest, a chance to write out where I'm at and what is going on inside me, and a chance for you to see what's ticking inside my mind. Women are supposed to want to know that, right? Thanks for all you are doing, and thank you for helping to push me beyond my comfort zone. I really needed to go there. Even if it doesn't feel good or normal. I want it to become my new normal, because I want you to be part of my normal, unlike it was before. Because all my projects become meaningless if you are not a part of my future. And I don't want to lose you and keep my writing career or other stuff, if losing that will keep you with me. I don't think I have to give up my writing. Only saying you are more important to me than any novel I have to get out. And if it comes down to my writing or you, you win. I chose you. End of story. So I continue on. And don't plan on letting up, no matter how I feel inside at times. Love you tons and want to be with you until I die.
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And that's the end of the peek inside my churning mind at this point, nearly 9 months out from dday. Another three months to go till our first anniversary.
BTW, I've extracted out any names and details and replaced them with what is between double-brackets: [[ ]] Here's the letter otherwise known as "the journey to the center of my brain":
-----------------------------------------------------
I just wanted to tell you more of where I'm at with the whole rebuilding thing. No, don't worry, this isn't a "I've had it, can't take no more" email. I would talk with you personally if that were the case. First, I do want to tell you what I'm so glad about through this so far as we head toward our first dday anniversary and our 30th. I'm very happy that you have worked as you have at the rebuilding process. You've helped me heal a lot because of it, and gain a foothold in trust that everyone said would take me one to two years to attain. Still, I find myself worrying at times that I'll suddenly find out a surprise. I know mentally that is unlikely. But I can't help but feel afraid that I'll suddenly discover some cover up, that you've just gotten better about hiding your tracks, and I'll be made to look like the fool. I guess it will take time before that fear goes away. I guess once you've been hit with it, it just takes some time before you no longer "flinch." I'm also glad that we have grown much closer through this and improved our marriage. Spending more time with you each day and week has helped us a lot. Having sex regularly hasn't hurt either. lol. I wish we had done this years ago. We might not be at this point if we had. But as I've indicated in recent post and journal entries, it seems something is off. And I think now I'm beginning to understand why BSs have problems around one year out. Most of it involves the process of changing and developing a new identity. Doing that involves a period of uncomfortableness with the changes. You have a feeling of longing for the comfort and familiar patterns of how life was before all this happened. I've even experienced this with sex. Strangely enough. Not frequently, and I certainly don't want to go back to the way it was before, so don't take this wrong. But there have been times when I wanted the comfortableness and familiarity of just masturbating and not needing to have sex with you so much. It isn't that I don't want to have sex with you, but the other was familiar, did it for years that way, had pretty much accepted that it was going to be that way for the rest of our married life. Never expected that to change. And here we are, almost a year and a half after that did change, and still going strong. I love sex with you and want you as often as possible. Don't ever think I don't. But the feeling I experienced is what I think the identity change brings on. The various changes we've made still have to be incorporated, still need to feel "normal" and until that happens, it can be easy to look back when things did feel normal and wish they were that way again. Even if they weren't the best mode of operating. Make sense? I suppose it is a process in that regard. In time, it will feel normal what we are doing now. I know that what we are doing now is how it should have been all along. This should feel normal. But it doesn't yet. And the struggle up until it does feel normal is occasionally a feeling of wishing you didn't feel like you had to "struggle" with being different all the time. And I guess for the BS, that is compounded by the fact that I didn't chose this avenue of our life. I'm simply having to deal with the fact of what was done to me, to us. Whether I like it or not. If I want to keep you, I have to change. I can't be what I had been like for years, as comfortable and normal as that may feel. So I think a lot of BSs get to a year out, are dealing with the pain of adopting this new identity and what they conclude is "this isn't working" because they don't think they should be feeling these things if they had really dealt with the affair and gotten over it. And that's part of what I told [[our daughter]] tonight. Last night. I'm still dealing with the pain of the affair. It seems my mind thinks on occasion more about it now than I did a few months ago. It's just so unfair and everything. I shouldn't have had to deal with this. I told Kalee about our lack of sex back in [[a town we used to live in]], and how I thought about cheating and had opportunity at work to do so. But chose not to despite frustration and having to deal with it all. And told her about the night I came to bed at 2 or 3 am and you woke up and we had sex after I had been praying and dealing with it. And how I had avoided cheating, how I thought if either of us cheated, it would have probably been me, but as it turned out, I remained faithful all these years and you didn't. Not to hurt you, but it is just so unfair that I didn't give in, I stayed true, but you couldn't. Like, that's the thanks I get. Sorry, but I guess the pain is still there. I hate what we've lost. I'm still grieving for the positives we did have that we no longer can claim. All my efforts to remain faithful and keep our marriage bed "undefiled" seem to have been for naught. Not that I should have had an affair, because now I've missed out on the fun of having sex with someone else. I don't consider that to be "fun" that I've missed out on. Pain I've missed out on? Yes. Fun. Maybe a brief thrill, that would have been empty and meaningless, and not worth the damage and pain. But you know that now. I wish you'd felt and known that before you decided to sex chat [[the first OM]] back. You might have run instead of jumped in. But it's like, all those years of faithfulness destroyed in seven months. Even two months really, because [[the first OM]] was a full affair. If you lusted in your heart, and you did, Jesus said you've committed adultery. That's the point of an EA. And though it wasn't intercourse, it did turn physical at the end. But you did have sex with him, at least in your mind. I can only imagine all the fantasies you had after he left about having sex with him and what it would have been like. Who knows how many times you had sex with him inside yourself. Okay, this is turning into a venting session to a degree. I'm wondering if I should even send this now. I'm not wanting to hurt you, or make you feel bad. On the other hand, you probably need to know what I'm still going through. I don't want to hide it from you either. But the above maybe sounds worse than it actually is. But I think it is the continued dealing of the losses and the struggle to adjust one's identity that causes people at about a year out to come to the conclusion, "I just can't handle this any more." Like Sadjess's H did. Of course, you see a lot of people go past the one year mark that don't fall apart. But the wishing things could go back to how they were before, feeling the current situation isn't "normal" and after a year of dealing with it, you can grow tired and just want it to end, I can see how some people at that point fall apart. I don't think I'm anywhere near that, FYI. Yes, I'm feeling occasional remorse at the loss and pain I've gone through. Yes, I'm feeling sometimes that I'm tired of feeling like I'm being someone I'm not. I just want to be "normal" again. And right now, this doesn't feel normal. Eventually it will, but it might take a few more months before we're there. So maybe this is more a plea to be patient with me. I hope I don't start having deeper problems with all this. I don't think I will, but then again, I've never been down this road before. I find myself resenting having to do certain things that before I would not have been expected to do. But I do them because now I have to. I don't even want to say what they are, because I don't want you to think I don't want to do them. I want to do them for you. But part of me resists and feels like it shouldn't be required or my job. If I'm there and available, I'll do whatever. But I don't want it to be expected of me. I have to fight that feeling. It isn't good. I know. Being part of the family means pitching in and helping when needed. But I guess part of me feels like part of my life has been stolen from me. I'll never get it back. I give up what I want so others can be happy. Meanwhile, I don't get my life back. For a large part, I feel I've given away who I am and can't get it back. What I want to do isn't important any longer. All this other stuff is. Stuff I didn't use to think was important. Like going to the store. Working out. But they are only important to me now because you are. I know it is a very selfish attitude. I had a very selfish attitude. I wanted to work on what I wanted to work on, and anyone or anything that took away from that was anathema. Even church and my job. I hated giving up any time to other things than my projects and what I wanted to work on. And only did it when I absolutely had to. When I literally didn't have a choice. So the selfish part of me is fighting with me, saying I shouldn't have to put up with giving that away. It is unfair that my life was turned upside down and now I'm having to do what everyone else wants me to do. And I just subsist from day to day. Feeling almost like a zombie, no emotions, no feeling, no life. Just here to make sure everyone else is happy. That's what my selfish side is telling me. It hates that it is losing out and dying. And it isn't going down without a fight. But I've been selfish far too long, and the reality is that I do want to claim those things I've been missing out on all these years by not spending time with you, by not being as involved, by not being a team player with you and the kids. But like it was difficult for you to cut ties with [[the last OM]], it is difficult for me to cut ties with how I've always been for most of our marriage. To change out of those comfortable, even though wrong, pattens of behavior isn't easy. Part of me wishes I could go back and rest there. The other part of me knows I can't, and I will be glad I didn't down the road. But right now, to some extent, I feel sort like I'm just going through the motions without a lot of feeling. Oh, I love you very much. I hope that is obvious enough. And I don't want to change a thing of what we are doing. I don't want you to text less, call me less, or do anything that allows me to give into my selfish side. I'm not making a case that you do anything different. Only letting you know what is going on inside of me. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I think we'll get through this. And we'll have a long and beautiful life together. I've probably painted a more bleak picture above than it really is. But I do feel a bit like I've not really come out of the disorientation of getting blindsided by the affair. I feel like I'm still getting on the bus and saying, "I came on the rocket car!" [[Reference to the movie "Rat Race" if you've seen it, otherwise it won't make much sense.]] So I know some of what was said above will probably make you cry. Sorry about that. But there you have it. Just pray for me. I've got my own journey to make. And I want to do as well with mine as you've done with yours. I really am impressed and ecstatic with how well you've done. I feel like the luckiest BS in the world. Well, if I'm going to get any sleep, I'd better get to bed. It's taken longer than I imagined to write this. But I felt it might be good for me to get this all off my chest, a chance to write out where I'm at and what is going on inside me, and a chance for you to see what's ticking inside my mind. Women are supposed to want to know that, right? Thanks for all you are doing, and thank you for helping to push me beyond my comfort zone. I really needed to go there. Even if it doesn't feel good or normal. I want it to become my new normal, because I want you to be part of my normal, unlike it was before. Because all my projects become meaningless if you are not a part of my future. And I don't want to lose you and keep my writing career or other stuff, if losing that will keep you with me. I don't think I have to give up my writing. Only saying you are more important to me than any novel I have to get out. And if it comes down to my writing or you, you win. I chose you. End of story. So I continue on. And don't plan on letting up, no matter how I feel inside at times. Love you tons and want to be with you until I die.
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And that's the end of the peek inside my churning mind at this point, nearly 9 months out from dday. Another three months to go till our first anniversary.
Replies
Nice!! :-)
Cole, thank you for sharing. I think you hit the nail on the head there with how you described the \'new normal\'. It\'s something I also am learning I am going to have to some to terms with.
I also am jealous :) I sooo want a letter like this from my H. He has been sending me short sweet emails from work, which is great! I love it! But I did tell him I would like a real love letter. We\'ll see :) He however, is not an author ;)
I am so proud and impressed with both you and gabby, and the growth and connection you share. It\'s a joy to see.
I will pray for you both for continued success.
I guess if I were smart I would have saved this for Valentine\'s Day. lol. Now I have to think of something else to do!
I\'ve sent her love notes on occasion, but not nearly as much as I should have. One of the more painful to read is the one I sent her on Nov. 2010. I was going to a job conference so I would be gone a good part of the week. Her emotional affair with the first guy had been going on about a month by that point, so she was already wanting sex everyday and lamenting that I would be gone several days. So I promised her while I was there, I would write her a love letter.
Reading it is painful because now I know what was going on at the time, and worse still, what was yet ahead. But who knows, maybe that letter helped her last a few more days against his pull to do something physical. But little did I know the seeds of pulling her away from me were on the stove and cooking. It just hadn\'t come to a full boil yet.
But such is the life of a BS. Certain things are just messed up by the A. Not much you can do about that.
Very honest, but still written in a loving way. Nice. :)
Yeah, I wish my h would be able to express himself better, to let me know what he\'s thinking. But I\'ve grown in learning how to become more sensitive to his subtle messages in his minimalist style.
The new normal... bingo. I\'ve had so many changes over the years, good and bad, that I can\'t figure out what normal means. This latest event really drives it home. My friend is one year into a relationship with a guy who is brilliant, but quirky. She\'s helped him grow a lot and she had this idea in her head that \"Once we get over this bump in the road with (fill in the blank,) then we\'ll be good.\" I wearily told her that relationships are ever changing and there\'s always going to be something \"wrong.\"
For me, I don\'t think I really mourn the past \"normal,\" just the trust and innocence I once had. That really pisses me off. Overall, though, I don\'t want to be like I was before... I can relate to fighting with the selfish part, the proud, megalomaniac ego that\'s constantly creeping in with selfish attitudes and thoughts. I don\'t think it\'ll ever die, it\'ll just get put in its place and not be given any more power to influence me as much as it had.
I agree, you are the luckiest BS in the world. And Gabi is the luckiest CS in the world.
Thanks, shtmyhbdid. Selfishness does die hard for both of us. But we\'re giving it a run for our money. :)
Cole, I think you mean well but I think this letter would mean more to Gabby if you kept it just for her. Maybe I am wrong but sharing something so intimate with a lover should be just that, between you and your love. I know this is your journal entry but it is for friends to see.
I wish you and Gabby much happiness.
Thanks, Giselle. I get what you are saying. And you may be right. My thought was that some might appreciate see what\'s going on in a BS\'s mind nine months out. I\'ve been accused at times of not struggling with these things. I\'m hoping others that might be struggling with certain things like this that they will see they are not alone. Even though from all accounts Gabi and I have done outstanding at rebuilding. It still isn\'t smooth sailing even when we\'re doing everything \"right\" in rebuilding.