Journey Through Adultery - Part 3
After reading the chat log where my wife straight out told another man in chat that she'd had sex and cheated on me with another man, I was devastated, as I spoke of in the previous post. I sat in the living room for several hours that night, just trying to deal with it, where to go, what to do, how to do it, what it all meant not only for me but my kids, and her. I went to our bedroom and wept over her sleeping form, asking that never well answered question, "Why?"
I finally went to bed, but couldn't sleep. Somehow, out of sheer exhaustion, I did some time after four in the morning.
I woke up to Wednesday morning while she was in the bathroom. I feared seeing her, feared I'd break down right in front of her then have to confront her right then and there. Luckily, she had already dressed, had to leave early that morning for a client, so only stopped to give me a quick hug and kiss, and she was out the door. I couldn't imagine the inner juggling act she was doing to act so normal to me when I knew she was having sex with another man. I didn't think she could do that, it had always been so apparent when she was upset, I thought I would always know when something was going on, when something was wrong.
I no longer knew this woman. She didn't act at all like the wife I'd had for 29 years.
I also didn't know what to do with our upcoming anniversary trip we'd be going on Friday. But I'd decided after considering it that maybe taking her on that trip and then confronting her might be a good idea, being she'd be away from the normal day to day life and the pull of her other man.
So I called my priest after thinking on things to tell him what had happened, and to get his advice. He kind of wondered at waiting until the trip, but said if I thought that best, go ahead, realizing she might respond by saying she wanted to go home.
And how she would respond was something I'd given some thought to. I realized before I knew how to proceed, I needed to know where she was at. Would she repent and want to heal our relationship? Was it already too late? Would she chose this other man over me and the kids? Until I knew that, I didn't know if I should proceed with a rebuilding strategy, or after some initial attempts, realize it was a lost cause. Would she be open to counseling or not?
Yet, my plan made sense, so I didn't cancel our trip. But I knew it was going to be hard to act like everything was normal until then. Especially the two hour car ride to the location. And what did I do if she wanted sex, since she wanted it nearly every day. I knew until we dealt with this, I couldn't do that.
I didn't have long to wait. As my lunch break came and I ran an errand for my job before heading home for lunch, my wife called and said she was home and wanted to know if I was going to lunch and would I like to have sex with her. I gulped and said, "Sure."
All the way to the bank and then going home, my stomach was in a knot. I knew instead of sex, this was the time to confront her. I was scared that I'd find she would leave for the other man. I had no clue what she'd do, as I said, none of my previous ideas of how she acted applied now. I didn't know her. We could be in divorce proceedings within a few weeks for all I knew.
I arrived at home, and she was on the computer. Probably sex chatting no doubt. She shut it down as I was walking in the door and rose to meet me. I think she realized something was bothering because her smile faded and she asked, "What's the matter?"
I thought, "As if she didn't know! Everything was the matter!" But I remained calm, and sat in a chair by the computer. She came and sat in my lap, facing me. I wrapped my arms around her neck and stared into her eyes.
I had been contemplating what to say. I didn't want to give away how much I knew, because I wanted her to confess to everything. The chat didn't make it clear how long it had been going on, or even how many men. It sounded like at least two, but turned out to be only one at different places. And I feared if I told her off the bat how I knew, she'd make up some story that she had noticed I had put spyware on the computer and decided to punish me for it by making up such a story. Which would still be pretty mean and stupid, but I would have ultimately been glad of that fact if true. But I had decided on a progression.
Because I vainly hoped she would take the chance to be honest with me and when I let her know I suspected something, would spill all the beans then, I first said:
"Have you been cheating on me?"
I know, not real original. But it seemed the logical place to start. Give her a chance to come clean. She, however, thought I had seen them in public holding hands or even kissing, as I nearly did catch them doing that in parking lot when I came out of Office Depot one day, but was so focused on my cell phone to call her I didn't notice her car in the parking lot and another guy with her, or that she'd just kissed him.
So she thought maybe she could get away with just a partial confession and not the whole thing, and said, "Not really."
Which, I knew, meant really. That told me what I had read in the chat session was not a lie, not a story, and that she didn't want to tell me the truth, even when I straight out asked her.
So after she tried to say something about she has held another guy's hands, maybe kissed once, etc., I sighed knowing she wasn't telling me the whole truth. So I then asked her:
"What if I told you that I know you are cheating on me?" She just stared at me, as if not knowing what to say, as if any words would say more than I knew. So I pressed it, because now I saw it in her eyes, the "I'm caught" look. "How many men have you had sex with? How long has the affair been going on? How could you have sex with me and another man at the same time?"
She still just stared at me then dropped her eyes to the floor. I could see the pain in her eyes, and yet at the same time they appeared cold. Like a thawing and someone starting to gain consciousness after having been frozen. She sighed deeply, and said, "I guess I'd better be honest with you."
"That would be a good place to start."
So she began relating to me the things she'd done, which matched up with what I'd read in the chat. Discovered she'd had sex with only one guy, that the affair had lasted for about a month, that they'd had sex about a total of 8 times, that she'd met him at the gym, and what initially was a friendship, turned into a relationship. He'd started helping her with some of her cleaning jobs, and would often have sex before they started working, usually in his car. He went to the store with her, he was at the gym with her, he would go to meet her. He happened to be unemployed so could spare the time that I couldn't, holed up in an office all day.
She also confirmed her experiences with the other guy a few months before that got her started down this road, and even told me some things I didn't know, which I had related in my first post.
I felt she was being honest with me now. She didn't know I'd read her chat, though she might have suspected, but everything she told me made sense of and matched what she'd said in the chat the night before. And it matched and made sense of certain small things that at the time I hadn't thought a whole lot about.
But she hadn't said the one thing I was waiting to hear. So I asked, "Do you want me or him? Because you can't have us both."
She immediately wrapped her arms around me and said she most definitely wanted me. I felt a giant sigh of relief in my soul. Those words were magic. That she was being totally honest with me and that she really did want to hold onto our marriage gave me hope, hope this could be worked out. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I had no idea what to expect on how hard or easy it might be.
After an extended lunch break, went went back to our jobs. I didn't get much work done as my mind was swirling with the thoughts of all of this. I was now at least hopeful and thankful I might not lose my wife, but only time would tell how serious she was with her commitment to do whatever it took to keep us together, and her promise to break all contact with the other man.
I didn't know how soon we'd be able to have sex. But I surprised myself. I felt my private space, my intimate connection with her had been violated. Another man's you know what had gone into her you know what. Could I then go back in? I really didn't know how I would feel.
But I did feel I didn't want her to have any excuse for her brain to say, "See, you need sex everyday, and he won't give it to you. You'll have to go to the other man to get it." I didn't want to drive her away in her sexed up state by withholding it from her. But, could I do it? The thought did trouble me some.
But that evening, no less, we lay in bed. She asked if I wanted sex. And at once the answer came to me. The last guy she'd had sex with was the other man. If I withheld, what sexual experience with a man would be her last?
It was then that I realized I needed to reclaim her through sex, confirm our relationship. So I said, "Yes, but under these terms. I'm extending to you trust on loan. Trust that I'll be the only one going in here from now on. Doing this with me now means a firm commitment that you only want me and will not do this again. Are you ready to commit to that?" I had to ask, because if she wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to have sex.
She indicated she did want that very much, and reconfirmed what she'd said earlier that day. So we held each other, and did it. And I did feel like I was reclaiming something, rebonding with her. Forcing her to make it mean more than just another fun time in bed, but a real bonding to me. A renewing of our commitment to each other.
That day left me still very much afraid of the future, but with much more hope that we could get past this. And now I looked foreword to our anniversary weekend trip as it would now provide some time for working things out, healing, and starting the big task of building trust again. Something I know will take a year or two or three or more. But one I'm committed, and so far I feel and know she's committed.
But, as most of you know, the roller coaster has just climbed the hill and started rolling downward. There are a lot of curves and loops and sharp turns and drops on this track, and we've just gotten started.
Next time, hopefully, I'll relate to you the healing and struggles that have taken place to this point. Yesterday was one of the harder days in this journey so far, but it accomplished some healing and today has actually been the first day since it happened that I felt I could really focus at work on my work without finding myself staring at the computer screen, thinking about all this. I felt the first hint of "normal." Time will heal some, and get our lives back together.
And maybe also today I've felt better, despite us having to deal with some issues, because she has continued to be real honest with me, as far as I can tell and know, telling me things she didn't have to. Like she called me shortly before five to tell me he'd texted her again. And she lets me read them.
I have a feeling from all that's happened that God pushed these things into the open in a way that is forcing her and myself to deal with the root causes of why these events happened. Several other ways would have kept her in deceit mode. But if God's led us this far in the healing, I've got to pray and hope He will lead us through the rest.
Next time, what happened on our anniversary trip.
I finally went to bed, but couldn't sleep. Somehow, out of sheer exhaustion, I did some time after four in the morning.
I woke up to Wednesday morning while she was in the bathroom. I feared seeing her, feared I'd break down right in front of her then have to confront her right then and there. Luckily, she had already dressed, had to leave early that morning for a client, so only stopped to give me a quick hug and kiss, and she was out the door. I couldn't imagine the inner juggling act she was doing to act so normal to me when I knew she was having sex with another man. I didn't think she could do that, it had always been so apparent when she was upset, I thought I would always know when something was going on, when something was wrong.
I no longer knew this woman. She didn't act at all like the wife I'd had for 29 years.
I also didn't know what to do with our upcoming anniversary trip we'd be going on Friday. But I'd decided after considering it that maybe taking her on that trip and then confronting her might be a good idea, being she'd be away from the normal day to day life and the pull of her other man.
So I called my priest after thinking on things to tell him what had happened, and to get his advice. He kind of wondered at waiting until the trip, but said if I thought that best, go ahead, realizing she might respond by saying she wanted to go home.
And how she would respond was something I'd given some thought to. I realized before I knew how to proceed, I needed to know where she was at. Would she repent and want to heal our relationship? Was it already too late? Would she chose this other man over me and the kids? Until I knew that, I didn't know if I should proceed with a rebuilding strategy, or after some initial attempts, realize it was a lost cause. Would she be open to counseling or not?
Yet, my plan made sense, so I didn't cancel our trip. But I knew it was going to be hard to act like everything was normal until then. Especially the two hour car ride to the location. And what did I do if she wanted sex, since she wanted it nearly every day. I knew until we dealt with this, I couldn't do that.
I didn't have long to wait. As my lunch break came and I ran an errand for my job before heading home for lunch, my wife called and said she was home and wanted to know if I was going to lunch and would I like to have sex with her. I gulped and said, "Sure."
All the way to the bank and then going home, my stomach was in a knot. I knew instead of sex, this was the time to confront her. I was scared that I'd find she would leave for the other man. I had no clue what she'd do, as I said, none of my previous ideas of how she acted applied now. I didn't know her. We could be in divorce proceedings within a few weeks for all I knew.
I arrived at home, and she was on the computer. Probably sex chatting no doubt. She shut it down as I was walking in the door and rose to meet me. I think she realized something was bothering because her smile faded and she asked, "What's the matter?"
I thought, "As if she didn't know! Everything was the matter!" But I remained calm, and sat in a chair by the computer. She came and sat in my lap, facing me. I wrapped my arms around her neck and stared into her eyes.
I had been contemplating what to say. I didn't want to give away how much I knew, because I wanted her to confess to everything. The chat didn't make it clear how long it had been going on, or even how many men. It sounded like at least two, but turned out to be only one at different places. And I feared if I told her off the bat how I knew, she'd make up some story that she had noticed I had put spyware on the computer and decided to punish me for it by making up such a story. Which would still be pretty mean and stupid, but I would have ultimately been glad of that fact if true. But I had decided on a progression.
Because I vainly hoped she would take the chance to be honest with me and when I let her know I suspected something, would spill all the beans then, I first said:
"Have you been cheating on me?"
I know, not real original. But it seemed the logical place to start. Give her a chance to come clean. She, however, thought I had seen them in public holding hands or even kissing, as I nearly did catch them doing that in parking lot when I came out of Office Depot one day, but was so focused on my cell phone to call her I didn't notice her car in the parking lot and another guy with her, or that she'd just kissed him.
So she thought maybe she could get away with just a partial confession and not the whole thing, and said, "Not really."
Which, I knew, meant really. That told me what I had read in the chat session was not a lie, not a story, and that she didn't want to tell me the truth, even when I straight out asked her.
So after she tried to say something about she has held another guy's hands, maybe kissed once, etc., I sighed knowing she wasn't telling me the whole truth. So I then asked her:
"What if I told you that I know you are cheating on me?" She just stared at me, as if not knowing what to say, as if any words would say more than I knew. So I pressed it, because now I saw it in her eyes, the "I'm caught" look. "How many men have you had sex with? How long has the affair been going on? How could you have sex with me and another man at the same time?"
She still just stared at me then dropped her eyes to the floor. I could see the pain in her eyes, and yet at the same time they appeared cold. Like a thawing and someone starting to gain consciousness after having been frozen. She sighed deeply, and said, "I guess I'd better be honest with you."
"That would be a good place to start."
So she began relating to me the things she'd done, which matched up with what I'd read in the chat. Discovered she'd had sex with only one guy, that the affair had lasted for about a month, that they'd had sex about a total of 8 times, that she'd met him at the gym, and what initially was a friendship, turned into a relationship. He'd started helping her with some of her cleaning jobs, and would often have sex before they started working, usually in his car. He went to the store with her, he was at the gym with her, he would go to meet her. He happened to be unemployed so could spare the time that I couldn't, holed up in an office all day.
She also confirmed her experiences with the other guy a few months before that got her started down this road, and even told me some things I didn't know, which I had related in my first post.
I felt she was being honest with me now. She didn't know I'd read her chat, though she might have suspected, but everything she told me made sense of and matched what she'd said in the chat the night before. And it matched and made sense of certain small things that at the time I hadn't thought a whole lot about.
But she hadn't said the one thing I was waiting to hear. So I asked, "Do you want me or him? Because you can't have us both."
She immediately wrapped her arms around me and said she most definitely wanted me. I felt a giant sigh of relief in my soul. Those words were magic. That she was being totally honest with me and that she really did want to hold onto our marriage gave me hope, hope this could be worked out. I knew it wouldn't be easy, I had no idea what to expect on how hard or easy it might be.
After an extended lunch break, went went back to our jobs. I didn't get much work done as my mind was swirling with the thoughts of all of this. I was now at least hopeful and thankful I might not lose my wife, but only time would tell how serious she was with her commitment to do whatever it took to keep us together, and her promise to break all contact with the other man.
I didn't know how soon we'd be able to have sex. But I surprised myself. I felt my private space, my intimate connection with her had been violated. Another man's you know what had gone into her you know what. Could I then go back in? I really didn't know how I would feel.
But I did feel I didn't want her to have any excuse for her brain to say, "See, you need sex everyday, and he won't give it to you. You'll have to go to the other man to get it." I didn't want to drive her away in her sexed up state by withholding it from her. But, could I do it? The thought did trouble me some.
But that evening, no less, we lay in bed. She asked if I wanted sex. And at once the answer came to me. The last guy she'd had sex with was the other man. If I withheld, what sexual experience with a man would be her last?
It was then that I realized I needed to reclaim her through sex, confirm our relationship. So I said, "Yes, but under these terms. I'm extending to you trust on loan. Trust that I'll be the only one going in here from now on. Doing this with me now means a firm commitment that you only want me and will not do this again. Are you ready to commit to that?" I had to ask, because if she wasn't ready, I wasn't ready to have sex.
She indicated she did want that very much, and reconfirmed what she'd said earlier that day. So we held each other, and did it. And I did feel like I was reclaiming something, rebonding with her. Forcing her to make it mean more than just another fun time in bed, but a real bonding to me. A renewing of our commitment to each other.
That day left me still very much afraid of the future, but with much more hope that we could get past this. And now I looked foreword to our anniversary weekend trip as it would now provide some time for working things out, healing, and starting the big task of building trust again. Something I know will take a year or two or three or more. But one I'm committed, and so far I feel and know she's committed.
But, as most of you know, the roller coaster has just climbed the hill and started rolling downward. There are a lot of curves and loops and sharp turns and drops on this track, and we've just gotten started.
Next time, hopefully, I'll relate to you the healing and struggles that have taken place to this point. Yesterday was one of the harder days in this journey so far, but it accomplished some healing and today has actually been the first day since it happened that I felt I could really focus at work on my work without finding myself staring at the computer screen, thinking about all this. I felt the first hint of "normal." Time will heal some, and get our lives back together.
And maybe also today I've felt better, despite us having to deal with some issues, because she has continued to be real honest with me, as far as I can tell and know, telling me things she didn't have to. Like she called me shortly before five to tell me he'd texted her again. And she lets me read them.
I have a feeling from all that's happened that God pushed these things into the open in a way that is forcing her and myself to deal with the root causes of why these events happened. Several other ways would have kept her in deceit mode. But if God's led us this far in the healing, I've got to pray and hope He will lead us through the rest.
Next time, what happened on our anniversary trip.
Replies