Journey Through Adultery - 9-23-11
I see it has been nearly two months since I posted the last entry. Right around the time I lost my job, so I guess that has been the focus of things these past couple of months. Still haven't found a job yet, but I keep putting in aps in the hopes I'll "catch a fish."
As far as healing from the affair is going, not much has changed. We are moving forward. Every once in a while the feelings of insecurity rise up in me, but overall I'm doing well.
My W is struggling a bit, due to two things. One, she has been dealing with the guilt of what she's done for several weeks now. She has better days and worse, but she seems to cry at some point most days. I'm glad she is dealing with the reality of what she's done to the marriage and me, but I don't want her to get mired in guilt either, and just stay there. I'm hoping as time goes by, that she'll be able to focus on the future and making that right rather than focusing on the past that she can't change.
But that has been compounded by recent attempts of the OM to make some level of contact with her. She has reported all those to me each time they have happened. It makes her very nervous and scared to go clean the house in his neighborhood. So I sent him an email last night that we worked on together, telling him to stop and if any further attempts at contact happen, we'll get a restraining order on him. He wrote back today saying he is "over her" (which I don't buy) and that he will not even wave if he happens to see her, and will just move on and not engage her. Let's pray he keeps his word on that.
So my wife today had a very hard day, in part because of the attempt of the OM to wave at her as their cars passed, and he intentionally arranged for that to happen this past Wednesday. She has cried all day nearly. I hope the OM keeps his promise, because it really affects my wife when he does this.
But, all in all, we are still making good progress. I'm excited about our future together and we're closer than we've ever been at 4.5 months past dday.
As far as healing from the affair is going, not much has changed. We are moving forward. Every once in a while the feelings of insecurity rise up in me, but overall I'm doing well.
My W is struggling a bit, due to two things. One, she has been dealing with the guilt of what she's done for several weeks now. She has better days and worse, but she seems to cry at some point most days. I'm glad she is dealing with the reality of what she's done to the marriage and me, but I don't want her to get mired in guilt either, and just stay there. I'm hoping as time goes by, that she'll be able to focus on the future and making that right rather than focusing on the past that she can't change.
But that has been compounded by recent attempts of the OM to make some level of contact with her. She has reported all those to me each time they have happened. It makes her very nervous and scared to go clean the house in his neighborhood. So I sent him an email last night that we worked on together, telling him to stop and if any further attempts at contact happen, we'll get a restraining order on him. He wrote back today saying he is "over her" (which I don't buy) and that he will not even wave if he happens to see her, and will just move on and not engage her. Let's pray he keeps his word on that.
So my wife today had a very hard day, in part because of the attempt of the OM to wave at her as their cars passed, and he intentionally arranged for that to happen this past Wednesday. She has cried all day nearly. I hope the OM keeps his promise, because it really affects my wife when he does this.
But, all in all, we are still making good progress. I'm excited about our future together and we're closer than we've ever been at 4.5 months past dday.
Replies
You seem to be an intelligent and caring man Cole - I hope that this works out for you. Best of luck to you. I hope you find a job soon too.
So, Cole, why hasn\'t she just told him directly, that she is over the affair, and wants absolutely no contact with him? I\'m just wondering why this hasn\'t been done by her, if she feels as remorseful as you say (crying nearly every day). This would be one strong signal to him, and probably taken much more seriously by him, if it came directly from her. I know that you feel you needed to help compose this email, but she is the one who needs to get that point across to him. He may think that you are the initiator. Then you say, that he did wave to her, after the fact? Maybe i have event order mixed up? I do know of one gal that had a restraining order taken out on her H\'s \"friend\", but there are times where the two still see each other, due to an organization, and the women has opportunity to say hi, or they can chat, without any repercussions. So, in this case, I\'m not sure the restraining order was as effective as the wife thought. In other words, her husband still says, \"hi\" to his old friends, and at times they attend specific seminars where both will be, and even have the possibility of being on some committees together. And I don\'t think he tells his wife of each and every case, so it diminishes the effect and undermines the wife who wanted the restraining order. Plus I believe that the time has passed, and one would need to file another one at a later time.
My point being, that unless your wife is fully transparent, a paper doesn\'t necessarily, do anything except possibly placate the betrayed spouse.
Is there a chance that she can work in other neighborhoods housecleaning? So, if he is looking for her car, at predictable places, that is making it very easy. I get this is a touchy situation, to let those houses go due to the economic need in your family. So that is a problem, I guess!
But good luck with the job hunting. And good luck continuing to get resolution with this situation!
@krKing
Thanks for the support.
@blondegal
I didn\'t want her to do that because I don\'t want her to have any contact with him. I feel no matter what she is saying, if she says it to him, he\'ll take that as a positive sign.
And she has told me that he is somewhat scared of me, so I think me contacting him has more impact on him. I simply reminded him of the promise he made back last June to not make contact with her, and told him to think about this for a moment. If she really wanted to contact him without me knowing about it, it would be super easy. All she would have to do is round the corner after cleaning that house and knock on his door. Shoot, she could do that anytime she was running around the city and had a moment between houses. The fact that she hasn\'t done this should tell him something...that for her the relationship is over. I also conveyed to him how much his actions are making it harder for her to work at that house, and that she is scared to work there and may have to drop that client if it continues. IOW, she is not wanting any kind of contact with him, or she would be acting a lot different.
On her part, she has been real good about not making any contact with him, and I want to keep it that way. I just need him to give up and stop trying. The last email was good for a couple of months before he started doing this attempt to have a fleeting contact with her in passing on the street thing. I guess her car sitting in front of their house as he drove by is a trigger for him.
So he has promised to not even wave at her if they pass and admitted driving slowly by the house was stupid on his part. He now knows she is telling me everything still, and that she doesn\'t want any contact with him, still. He claims he is over her. If he doesn\'t stick to his word, then we bring the police into it. Beyond that, I don\'t know what else I can do.
Thanks for the thoughts.
@blondegal, you said, \"Then you say, that he did wave to her, after the fact? Maybe i have event order mixed up?\"
Well, I didn\'t really give an event order. Didn\'t feel I needed to go into it, but here\'s what happened.
This one house she cleans is in his neighborhood. They main route for him to drive out of the neighborhood is his street intersects with the one going out, and her client\'s house is right on the corner. He is also unemployed, and so any errands her runs or otherwise, he always drives right by their house on his way in and out to town.
So when she is at their house, her car with signs with her business name on it are hard to miss as he drives by. Interestingly enough, this all seemed to start happening when she moved the client from a Monday morning time slot to a Wednesday afternoon. It was like the change caused him to start paying more attention to her and my thinking is, he began wishing he could have what he had before. Shortly after that change was when her client noticed him stopped by her car and staring at it, and ever since then he would slow down while driving by if he saw her car, I think in hopes he might see her come out the door.
And that\'s what happened last Wednesday. She finished about 5 and just walked out the door, through the entry way and into the yard. As soon as she did, she noticed his car moving slowly by the house, so she jumped back into the entry way, but she was sure he saw her. She peaked around the corner and could tell he\'d stopped moving his car.
So the wife-client offers to have her husband walk my W to the car, and he does. When that happens, the OM goes on down the road and makes a right turn. But my W knows that the town is to the left, and that he is likely waiting for her, and will probably try to follow her when she leaves. But she figures if he does, he wont\' follow her all the way since she is going to the HS to pick up our 17 yr old son.
So she gets in the car and prepares to leave. As she starts to pull out, he turns back into the neighborhood and as he is turning the corner back onto his street, he waves at her. She goes on and upon getting home, shaken up about it, tells me what happened. We sent the email Thursday evening, and she was in tears most of the day Friday because of the event. She wants him to move on with his life and find someone he can really be happy with. And she knows the longer he is holding out hope for her, that will never happen. So we\'re both hoping that my email communicated clearly to him that there is no hope of her returning, that she could have easily already done that if that was her desire.
The fact that he is claiming he is over her at least makes me think he realizes now it is over, and is just wanting to save face and not look like someone spending their days pining way for a person they can\'t have. And I think for my W, that has brought some closer to that relationship, because he was acting like someone still holding out hope they could restrike the match. If our email has convinced him that isn\'t going to happen, and on the surface it appears to have done that, she is feeling more now like it really is over not only for her, but for him.
Time will tell if that is the case, and I sincerely hope so.