Journey Through Adultery - 7-27-11
Today we finished up the eradication of connections. And she has even gone further than I thought.
She'd deleted the pictures of the first man and the second man everywhere except there is this one picture of the first man that she really liked. She still had that one to delete from the computer. She'd deleted it from her phone, her email folders, and cleaned it all out, except for this one last picture on the computer.
We talked about it while we swam at the gym and soaked in the hot tub. When she went into the gym, she was struggling a bit, I think because for whatever reason, she always liked that picture of him and hated to get rid of it. But by the time we left the gym, she said it really doesn't mean that much to her, and she knows I want it gone, and she was eager to get home and delete it. Then she started deciding to do more.
Back shortly after the first man left town, she wanted to find him. So she paid $3.00 for one of those online searches for info on people a month or so after he left. It revealed the towns where he lived and his relatives, birthday, etc. Back on dday or shortly thereafter, she had told me all this, but she never told me what she did with the info, and I guess I never asked. As it turns out, she'd written it on a piece of paper which she carried around in her purse.
She told me about that, and she wanted to get rid of it. Then she said the only reason she signed up for MySpace was because that first man was on it, and she hoped if he ever wanted to find her, he could find her through that. She had defriended him the other day, but she could still go look at his profile if she wanted, and potentially communicate. And though he has taken pains to provide no way for her to contact him when he left, if he ever did want to find her, he could look her up on MySpace. So she decided to tell the two actual friends she has on MySpace to friend her on Facebook, and then she's going to cancel that account. She decided that one on her own.
She went through her email list and phone list and deleted any phone numbers or email addresses she had for any of the various people she met during her affairs.
When we sat at the computer and clicked to delete this last picture of the first man she had, she paused a minute, then deleted him. That was the last "connection" to that period of her life in concrete form.
So house cleaning in the dangling threads of no contact finished. I'm glad she came to this point, and wanted to do this for our marriage and its continued healing.
She'd deleted the pictures of the first man and the second man everywhere except there is this one picture of the first man that she really liked. She still had that one to delete from the computer. She'd deleted it from her phone, her email folders, and cleaned it all out, except for this one last picture on the computer.
We talked about it while we swam at the gym and soaked in the hot tub. When she went into the gym, she was struggling a bit, I think because for whatever reason, she always liked that picture of him and hated to get rid of it. But by the time we left the gym, she said it really doesn't mean that much to her, and she knows I want it gone, and she was eager to get home and delete it. Then she started deciding to do more.
Back shortly after the first man left town, she wanted to find him. So she paid $3.00 for one of those online searches for info on people a month or so after he left. It revealed the towns where he lived and his relatives, birthday, etc. Back on dday or shortly thereafter, she had told me all this, but she never told me what she did with the info, and I guess I never asked. As it turns out, she'd written it on a piece of paper which she carried around in her purse.
She told me about that, and she wanted to get rid of it. Then she said the only reason she signed up for MySpace was because that first man was on it, and she hoped if he ever wanted to find her, he could find her through that. She had defriended him the other day, but she could still go look at his profile if she wanted, and potentially communicate. And though he has taken pains to provide no way for her to contact him when he left, if he ever did want to find her, he could look her up on MySpace. So she decided to tell the two actual friends she has on MySpace to friend her on Facebook, and then she's going to cancel that account. She decided that one on her own.
She went through her email list and phone list and deleted any phone numbers or email addresses she had for any of the various people she met during her affairs.
When we sat at the computer and clicked to delete this last picture of the first man she had, she paused a minute, then deleted him. That was the last "connection" to that period of her life in concrete form.
So house cleaning in the dangling threads of no contact finished. I'm glad she came to this point, and wanted to do this for our marriage and its continued healing.
Replies
Seems like pulling teeth! I wish I could say I was as optimistic as you! The fact that it took how long for her to complete this simple task???? Obviously not so simple for her! And deep down, I\'d really want to know why, if I were her husband!
Why do I feel disgusted about this slow, long, drawn out process, as if she\'s only doing it to placate you????? I don\'t know....but something sure doesn\'t seem right in the department of remorse, full disclosure, etc.
You are experiencing,my friend, a whole lot more trickle truth, than you may realize. Perhaps you are just relieved??? Perhaps you are desperate to see some progress in some areas, but look at the whole picture, and the entire time frame, and all the reluctance, and lying by ommission. I\'m sorry, Cole, but if someone lied to me so much, by omission, I would be furious! But then, that\'s me, and you have to live by what you believe in, and make your own choices, draw your own conclusions, and just keep plodding on. But do not ignore, or compartmentalize all the new crap that keeps coming to light! I mean where does it end???? How much more new stuff will be coming to light, and how much longer does one tolerate it, and just let someone continue on their merry path, of excluding their husbands, because they are selfish, and will do what they want to do, when they want to do, and then cry about it, as if they are sorry!
She\'s getting way too much attention, and Kudos, in my book, for doing what she should have done about 2 months ago! For real! You can be excited, and think that you are moving forward....and I hope you are....but I see it differently. I see all the painstaking efforts that she has done, to re-unite with that guy, blowjob guy I think it is. I think she\'s playing you, and you are rewarding her behavior for little insignificant crap! Boy you are a saint, or a martyr, not sure really which at this point!
The more you let her play you, the longer it will go on! I\'m sorry but, i bett4er get off now, cuz I sure as hell don\'t see it as you do, whatsover! I really wouldn\'t be surprised to hear of a new \"venture\" that this poor deprived girl will enter, because she married young, and had no other sex! Boo hoo!
Sorry about the ending part being sarcastic! I guess I\'m just frustrated, that you tend to ignore that she had opportunity, hand over fist, and didn\'t stop! Lied upon initial questioning! Procrastinated eliminating all traces of all kinds! And that she never came clean on her own. I guess I was sensing that she was reluctant to show true remorse, cuz if she realized she screwed up big time, and felt it big time, she would have kissed your feet for a second chance, and cut out all the bull, instantly.
Then, I thiink i would be less judgmental!
Just saying, actions speak louder than ....
I don\'t see that I\'m ignoring any of that. Of course she did all that during the eight months of the A. If your referring by \"lying upon the initial questioning,\" yes she did fudge on the first questions. The second she didn\'t and then told me everything I knew she\'d done and more. I don\'t consider that holding anything back. Few CS\'s will voluntarily come clean without confrontation. But once she realized it was over, she\'s not lied to me about anything. I take that as a positive. I\'m not ignoring that she didn\'t do it willingly. Not many would. And most do the tickle truth. She didn\'t. And I\'m very thankful for that because I don\'t think I could have taken trickle truth.
She did jump at the second chance. Yes, she had trouble cutting the emotional ties. I understand that. The experts told me to expect that. (Shirley Glass). I didn\'t consider it critical to happen right then. If I did, I would have demanded it. But i didn\'t. And I\'m glad I didn\'t, because as you said, it meant she didn\'t do it as if I were a father figure forcing her to do it, and causing undue resentment in the healing process. Instead i waited to see if she would come to that point herself.
Yes, her actions speak very loud to me. That she loves me enough to go through this and save our marriage. She did cut out the bull. She didn\'t go see the OM, call him, text him, and when he did try to contact her she told me about it. Since I\'ve sent that email to him back in early June, he\'s stayed out of her life. What she had problems with is cutting the emotional ties within herself and the only way to cut those is by time and distance. No other way.
I\'m not sure why this is such a big problem. It is how I decided to handle it, and all indications are it worked. So I\'m very happy at this point.