Journey Through Adultery - 6-3-11
Not a whole lot to report. At least crisis wise. Seems at least for the time being, the roller coaster of emotions has quieted down. My wife appears to be doing all she can to work on her own healing, and to make sure something like this never happens again. She still has some issues to deal with, but they are doable and she's working hard at it.
I still think about things a lot, but not nearly the level I have in the first two weeks. I'm able to focus on work much better now. Getting things done. Thoughts don't force their way in on me and distract me so easily.
I still have to fill out the forms from my therapist. Plan on doing that this weekend. Also want to get back to my writing, which has been put on hold since this happened.
I did think of one thing this past week. I've lamented losing the special intimacy I had with my wife. That is, until this happened, neither of us had ever had any sexual experience with anyone else. I can still say that, but now my wife can't, and I always treasured that reality because I know that in today's society, we were in a small minority. Not many people could say that.
It was special to me, and I'd fought to preserve that even when I could have "justified" cheating on her. I felt that the greatest intimacy you could have is when only two people share something, and let no one else into that chamber. The more people you let in, the less intimate it becomes. Sex becomes fairly meaningless for the person who sees it as just having a good time, because he or she treats it as nothing more than anything else they might do in public for a good time, like going to get some ice cream or watch a movie. Such lack of intimacy destroys the bonding element of the act.
But I realized a couple of things. One, it is a fairly academic intimacy. Yeah, it creates a special intimacy, but most of us don't really recognize or think about that until we lose it. Much like Adam and Eve didn't realize what they'd lost till they were expelled from Paradise. So we tend to take it for granted, not recognizing its value. It was only because I thought about it that way that it was that special to me. And though I had shared that joy with my wife that I had in that reality, I don't think she experienced it as the intimate reality that I did. Sure, she acknowledged it, but she didn't feel passionate about it as I did, not enough to fight for it against all odds.
Instead, as the events unfolded starting back in October of 2010, it turned more into a desire to experience what she'd missed out on all her life. And everyone else seemed to see sex as something to share with others. Those values began to wash up with some powerful emotional feelings against her long-held values and over a few months, eroded them away until she was ready to have sex with other men. That intimacy became the driving force to explore, fearing she was missing out on some important life experiences because she'd only been with one man all her life.
So, yes, that idea was lost in her adultery. But I realized also what I haven't lost. One, we did have that ideal relationship for 28 and a half years. Probably only a handful of couples can say that in this day and age. Though there may be more out there than I know. Yes, folks. You can say you know of someone, me, who has never had sex, never even seen in person another woman naked or been with another woman. And you know what? While I'm sure there are some things I'm missing out on experience wise, none of it comes close to being worth what I've already got, and what I'd lose if I were to do that. No where close.
And you can say you know of at least one marriage where the couple for 28 and a half years devoted themselves sexually only to each other, neither having been with a man. Me and my wife did that. And if she did it for 28.5 years, she can get herself straighten up with God's grace and go another 28.5+ years not being with any other man but me. And she'll always know that she's got 100% of me.
It does happen. And while I know it is rare, I'll bet there are others. Even some who have lasted their whole marital lives without faultering.
So I haven't lost the reality that we had that special relationship for 28.5 years. Nor have I lost that history with her. And the history we can continue adding to. And God has a way of taking the negative and using it to bring about some positive results. What's really important to me now is my wife's healing, especially her spiritual life that took the hardest hit during these past few months. My emotional hurt is nothing compared to the potential damage she felt there.
And if I can help be an instrument of healing in her life, then I pray that it will be so. She is worth the investment because my love for her hasn't faultered. And I'm very thankful despite the blow, that her love for me has remained intact and strong.
I'm sure the emotional hurt isn't over yet. But I can see good days ahead.
I still think about things a lot, but not nearly the level I have in the first two weeks. I'm able to focus on work much better now. Getting things done. Thoughts don't force their way in on me and distract me so easily.
I still have to fill out the forms from my therapist. Plan on doing that this weekend. Also want to get back to my writing, which has been put on hold since this happened.
I did think of one thing this past week. I've lamented losing the special intimacy I had with my wife. That is, until this happened, neither of us had ever had any sexual experience with anyone else. I can still say that, but now my wife can't, and I always treasured that reality because I know that in today's society, we were in a small minority. Not many people could say that.
It was special to me, and I'd fought to preserve that even when I could have "justified" cheating on her. I felt that the greatest intimacy you could have is when only two people share something, and let no one else into that chamber. The more people you let in, the less intimate it becomes. Sex becomes fairly meaningless for the person who sees it as just having a good time, because he or she treats it as nothing more than anything else they might do in public for a good time, like going to get some ice cream or watch a movie. Such lack of intimacy destroys the bonding element of the act.
But I realized a couple of things. One, it is a fairly academic intimacy. Yeah, it creates a special intimacy, but most of us don't really recognize or think about that until we lose it. Much like Adam and Eve didn't realize what they'd lost till they were expelled from Paradise. So we tend to take it for granted, not recognizing its value. It was only because I thought about it that way that it was that special to me. And though I had shared that joy with my wife that I had in that reality, I don't think she experienced it as the intimate reality that I did. Sure, she acknowledged it, but she didn't feel passionate about it as I did, not enough to fight for it against all odds.
Instead, as the events unfolded starting back in October of 2010, it turned more into a desire to experience what she'd missed out on all her life. And everyone else seemed to see sex as something to share with others. Those values began to wash up with some powerful emotional feelings against her long-held values and over a few months, eroded them away until she was ready to have sex with other men. That intimacy became the driving force to explore, fearing she was missing out on some important life experiences because she'd only been with one man all her life.
So, yes, that idea was lost in her adultery. But I realized also what I haven't lost. One, we did have that ideal relationship for 28 and a half years. Probably only a handful of couples can say that in this day and age. Though there may be more out there than I know. Yes, folks. You can say you know of someone, me, who has never had sex, never even seen in person another woman naked or been with another woman. And you know what? While I'm sure there are some things I'm missing out on experience wise, none of it comes close to being worth what I've already got, and what I'd lose if I were to do that. No where close.
And you can say you know of at least one marriage where the couple for 28 and a half years devoted themselves sexually only to each other, neither having been with a man. Me and my wife did that. And if she did it for 28.5 years, she can get herself straighten up with God's grace and go another 28.5+ years not being with any other man but me. And she'll always know that she's got 100% of me.
It does happen. And while I know it is rare, I'll bet there are others. Even some who have lasted their whole marital lives without faultering.
So I haven't lost the reality that we had that special relationship for 28.5 years. Nor have I lost that history with her. And the history we can continue adding to. And God has a way of taking the negative and using it to bring about some positive results. What's really important to me now is my wife's healing, especially her spiritual life that took the hardest hit during these past few months. My emotional hurt is nothing compared to the potential damage she felt there.
And if I can help be an instrument of healing in her life, then I pray that it will be so. She is worth the investment because my love for her hasn't faultered. And I'm very thankful despite the blow, that her love for me has remained intact and strong.
I'm sure the emotional hurt isn't over yet. But I can see good days ahead.
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