Journey Through Adultery - 6-08-11 B
I decided to put this in a separate post so that it doesn't get lost in the issues I was discussing in the first one for today.
Earlier, I had asked on the Infidelity board if it would be a good idea to write the OM a letter. Based on the comments I received, I felt it wasn't a good idea. Mainly because it appeared that he hadn't contacted my wife. So best not to give him any excuse to do that by initiating contact with him. But I had said if he did contact her again, then I would consider doing it.
After a week and a half of no contact, my wife went to clean a house that is in the same neighborhood where he lives. He has to drive right by there on his way in and out of the neighborhood. She was worried about this, and frequently looked out the windows. And she caught him driving by three different times. On the second time he drove by slow, as if contemplating something. But on the third pass he stopped, and wrote her a note and left it on her car.
When she went out and read it, he wanted her to drop by his house just to say hi. She sat there, as she described all this afterwards, trying to figure out what to do. She knew this was a cross roads. Ideally, she would simply ignore the note and go onto her next client. But she had a hard time not responding, and finally came to compromise. It was a risk, because he could have popped out of his house and started talking to her. But he didn't. She wrote a quick note on the back explaining why she couldn't talk with him in order to save her marriage. She went to his house and stuck it on his car, and drove away.
I told her while it would have been best not to respond at all, that at least she didn't do what he wanted her to do. She was shaken by the event, and felt emotionally as if it set her back on her heals, with the old feelings for him racing to the surface.
So after discussing it with the therapist Monday night, and with my wife, we decided I would write the OM a note that would tell him part of what I wanted to tell him the first time, but also that for all involved, he should stop trying to contact my wife, as it will only prolong the pain. My wife read it and approved of sending it. And she made a promise to me that from this point on, if he tried to contact her, she would simply not respond.
I wrote it, we both edited it a bit, and sent it from my email account with my wife pushing the button. Here, with names removed, is the letter I sent:
---Letter/email---
Subject: Forgiven
[name of OM], I've put off contacting you, in the hopes it was over. But today's attempt to contact my wife means I need to say a couple of things to you, and I pray you have the heart to listen to them. First, as the title says, I want you to know that I've forgiven you. Naturally what happened hurt me, as you well know having had it happen to you. My wife is a wonderful woman, full of life, and there is no question in my mind, given the situation, why you would be attracted to her. I have been for over 29 years. The intimate relationship between you and her shouldn't have happened, but it did. I've forgiven you and her for that hurt, even though I still have to deal with it, as does she and you. With that said, I know this is hard for both you and her. You obviously both care for each other, but by allowing that relationship to become more than just friends, and knowing it would only end in separation, you both gave up the possibility of ever remaining just friends. My wife has committed herself to me and our marriage. She strongly wants her relationship with me to be her only intimate relationship, as it should be, and is doing all she can toward that end, including being totally honest and transparent with me. She has agreed that she cannot respond to any further messages or attempts by you to contact her. This is very important for both her and me. Likewise, I'm doing all I can to be what she needs in a husband so that she feels no need to go outside the relationship to find what is missing. If you care for her, if your relationship with her wasn't purely selfish, I ask you to no longer make any attempt to contact her or talk to her. The more this happens, the longer it draws out the pain for both her and you and me. She will not be returning to your arms and because of the relationship you had, cannot even be friends. Even something as simple as chatting with you is harmful to her healing and your healing. You need to release her and give yourself time to heal and move on. I pray you will take this in the spirit it is intended. Breaking a bond with someone you care about is never easy, but in this case, unless you wish to continue to cause her emotional turmoil and extend the pain she feels inside, break it you and she must. Continued contact will only cause you and her more heartache. Let's agree to end it, and allow healing to take place for all involved. It is the only way. Thank you for understanding. She has read and agreed with this letter. I pray you'll find healing in God's hands and in God's time for the personal pains you are dealing with.
---End Letter/Email---
We weren't even sure he would read it. We sent this shortly before midnight. But he did read it, and responded some time after 1am. He did a little "justifying" but in essence agreed to not contact her, that he had no intention of trying to pull her away from me, etc. While I don't fully buy everything he was saying, I at least felt pleased that he agreed to not contact her any further. His spelling and grammar aren't spot on, but here is what he wrote back to me:
---Response Email---
Ok, I do agree on what you and she are saying, And like i have told her that she is your husband and i don't realy have any right to interfear. friends is all that it should only have been.
She is a very kind and thoughtful person and you are a luck man. I never even thought of interfeaaring on onther mans wife and don't ever want to. You have my word that i will not let it go any farther then this letter. From what she has told me she thinks the world of you and your kids,
No need to be hurt it was just one of thoughs unexpected things. good bye and i hope you two have made amends with each other, and this ho thing.
---End Response Email---
So in all, in this case, it appears if he sticks to his word, emailing him may have done the trick. Time will tell. But I think I have a solid enough promise from my wife that she will not respond again. And I think this helped give her some closure on the issue. So right now, I feel this was a good move and good results. I'm pleased with his response.
Earlier, I had asked on the Infidelity board if it would be a good idea to write the OM a letter. Based on the comments I received, I felt it wasn't a good idea. Mainly because it appeared that he hadn't contacted my wife. So best not to give him any excuse to do that by initiating contact with him. But I had said if he did contact her again, then I would consider doing it.
After a week and a half of no contact, my wife went to clean a house that is in the same neighborhood where he lives. He has to drive right by there on his way in and out of the neighborhood. She was worried about this, and frequently looked out the windows. And she caught him driving by three different times. On the second time he drove by slow, as if contemplating something. But on the third pass he stopped, and wrote her a note and left it on her car.
When she went out and read it, he wanted her to drop by his house just to say hi. She sat there, as she described all this afterwards, trying to figure out what to do. She knew this was a cross roads. Ideally, she would simply ignore the note and go onto her next client. But she had a hard time not responding, and finally came to compromise. It was a risk, because he could have popped out of his house and started talking to her. But he didn't. She wrote a quick note on the back explaining why she couldn't talk with him in order to save her marriage. She went to his house and stuck it on his car, and drove away.
I told her while it would have been best not to respond at all, that at least she didn't do what he wanted her to do. She was shaken by the event, and felt emotionally as if it set her back on her heals, with the old feelings for him racing to the surface.
So after discussing it with the therapist Monday night, and with my wife, we decided I would write the OM a note that would tell him part of what I wanted to tell him the first time, but also that for all involved, he should stop trying to contact my wife, as it will only prolong the pain. My wife read it and approved of sending it. And she made a promise to me that from this point on, if he tried to contact her, she would simply not respond.
I wrote it, we both edited it a bit, and sent it from my email account with my wife pushing the button. Here, with names removed, is the letter I sent:
---Letter/email---
Subject: Forgiven
[name of OM], I've put off contacting you, in the hopes it was over. But today's attempt to contact my wife means I need to say a couple of things to you, and I pray you have the heart to listen to them. First, as the title says, I want you to know that I've forgiven you. Naturally what happened hurt me, as you well know having had it happen to you. My wife is a wonderful woman, full of life, and there is no question in my mind, given the situation, why you would be attracted to her. I have been for over 29 years. The intimate relationship between you and her shouldn't have happened, but it did. I've forgiven you and her for that hurt, even though I still have to deal with it, as does she and you. With that said, I know this is hard for both you and her. You obviously both care for each other, but by allowing that relationship to become more than just friends, and knowing it would only end in separation, you both gave up the possibility of ever remaining just friends. My wife has committed herself to me and our marriage. She strongly wants her relationship with me to be her only intimate relationship, as it should be, and is doing all she can toward that end, including being totally honest and transparent with me. She has agreed that she cannot respond to any further messages or attempts by you to contact her. This is very important for both her and me. Likewise, I'm doing all I can to be what she needs in a husband so that she feels no need to go outside the relationship to find what is missing. If you care for her, if your relationship with her wasn't purely selfish, I ask you to no longer make any attempt to contact her or talk to her. The more this happens, the longer it draws out the pain for both her and you and me. She will not be returning to your arms and because of the relationship you had, cannot even be friends. Even something as simple as chatting with you is harmful to her healing and your healing. You need to release her and give yourself time to heal and move on. I pray you will take this in the spirit it is intended. Breaking a bond with someone you care about is never easy, but in this case, unless you wish to continue to cause her emotional turmoil and extend the pain she feels inside, break it you and she must. Continued contact will only cause you and her more heartache. Let's agree to end it, and allow healing to take place for all involved. It is the only way. Thank you for understanding. She has read and agreed with this letter. I pray you'll find healing in God's hands and in God's time for the personal pains you are dealing with.
---End Letter/Email---
We weren't even sure he would read it. We sent this shortly before midnight. But he did read it, and responded some time after 1am. He did a little "justifying" but in essence agreed to not contact her, that he had no intention of trying to pull her away from me, etc. While I don't fully buy everything he was saying, I at least felt pleased that he agreed to not contact her any further. His spelling and grammar aren't spot on, but here is what he wrote back to me:
---Response Email---
Ok, I do agree on what you and she are saying, And like i have told her that she is your husband and i don't realy have any right to interfear. friends is all that it should only have been.
She is a very kind and thoughtful person and you are a luck man. I never even thought of interfeaaring on onther mans wife and don't ever want to. You have my word that i will not let it go any farther then this letter. From what she has told me she thinks the world of you and your kids,
No need to be hurt it was just one of thoughs unexpected things. good bye and i hope you two have made amends with each other, and this ho thing.
---End Response Email---
So in all, in this case, it appears if he sticks to his word, emailing him may have done the trick. Time will tell. But I think I have a solid enough promise from my wife that she will not respond again. And I think this helped give her some closure on the issue. So right now, I feel this was a good move and good results. I'm pleased with his response.
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