Journey Through Adultery - 5-31-11
Our counseling session went well last night. No big problems like the last time. The therapist gave us some homework. Got to figure out what my most important needs I want met from our marriage. One would think it would be easy, but I can only think of two, and one of those I'd come to the point of acceptance that I would rarely get much as I wanted (sex). It wasn't until the guy back in Oct. started firing her buttons that she wanted sex very often. It went from maybe twice a month, or on a good month, four times, to sex every night, practically overnight.
And despite the revelation of the A, and her libido has gone down some now that she's not being charged up by sex talk on the computer and sex with a new man, she still wants to do it every night. But I can tell she's not quite as charged, but this experience has made it clear to her how much it means to a man to get this regularly. So she wants to keep it up, and she's become used to doing it nearly every day at some point.
So, on that point, my needs are being met like no other time in our marriage. I just wish I was younger now. lol. At 50, I'm not firing on all cylindars like I used to. Still some power to the engine, mind you, but I've put a few miles on the engine and it isn't as quick as it used to be.
But the other need I think I have is respect. By that I mean feeling like I'm important to her, that she treats me as a human with respect. For example, used to be if we were talking, and one of our kids came up and wanted something, that she would immediately stop paying attention to me, even if I were in mid sentence, and listen to the kid, and sometimes not even get back to me. That bugged me a lot, especially since my Mom drilled into me as a kid that you didn't interrupt her when she was talking to someone else. I wouldn't get paid attention to in that situation, I would have been reprimanded and made to wait until she was done with the person she was talking with.
I didn't feel important in the family, often made to feel the "bad guy" and a "us against him" type thing. As far as raising the kids, we were a little dysfunctional. But what it fostered is a lack of respect from my perspective. I wasn't treated sometimes as a human that mattered.
Another instance. I was on the computer in the living room watching videos on YouTube or something like that. My daughter comes in and without asking me permission, turns on the TV and starts watching a program. When I turn up the sound to hear better what I'm watching, she angrily told me to go to another room, because there was only one TV but I had computers in other rooms.
True, but that wasn't the point. The point was I was treated as if what I was doing didn't matter. No one asked me if they could watch TV, or if I could go somewhere different to watch the vids I was watching. I would have happily complied. Instead, she acted like I was unimportant. And when I complained, my wife stood up for my daughter. It made me very angry, though I just stomped off to my room and stewed for a while. But stuff like that made me feel like a second-class citizen in the family.
And like the sex change, when my wife did a 180 switch from hardly wanting any sex to wanting it all the time, she suddenly became so much more interested in me as a person. She made time for me. She acted all lovey toward me where before she might not even acknowledge I had walked in the door coming home from work, now her eyes lit up and she wanted to hug and kiss me. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to the person she focused the most on in the family. Suddenly, I was ahead of the kids in importance.
So that too has changed for the better. I just wish those changes didn't have to come along with an affair as well. But I feel both that she respects me more as a person than before, and that she wants intimate contact with me all the time as well.
I'll have to evaluate if there are other needs I'm having. I don't need much, really. Just love and appreciation/respect. The rest falls into place. But I think I'm supposed to have five.
One other note. The last three Wednesdays have been hard. Tonight marks the third week since I found out the truth. That happened on a Tuesday night after she'd gone to bed, three weeks ago. Then Wednesday, I confronted her about it and the full truth came out. Naturally, that was a stressful Wednesday.
The first Wednesday after that was the day I nearly had an emotional breakdown and had to leave work early that day. And last Wednesday, for no reason I could put my finger on, I simply felt depressed more than usual. But the days since last Wednesday have been some of the better days depression wise since dday. So I'm hoping tomorrow will be good too, and not have a heavy day.
Naturally, if I do, I'll update the journal here.
And despite the revelation of the A, and her libido has gone down some now that she's not being charged up by sex talk on the computer and sex with a new man, she still wants to do it every night. But I can tell she's not quite as charged, but this experience has made it clear to her how much it means to a man to get this regularly. So she wants to keep it up, and she's become used to doing it nearly every day at some point.
So, on that point, my needs are being met like no other time in our marriage. I just wish I was younger now. lol. At 50, I'm not firing on all cylindars like I used to. Still some power to the engine, mind you, but I've put a few miles on the engine and it isn't as quick as it used to be.
But the other need I think I have is respect. By that I mean feeling like I'm important to her, that she treats me as a human with respect. For example, used to be if we were talking, and one of our kids came up and wanted something, that she would immediately stop paying attention to me, even if I were in mid sentence, and listen to the kid, and sometimes not even get back to me. That bugged me a lot, especially since my Mom drilled into me as a kid that you didn't interrupt her when she was talking to someone else. I wouldn't get paid attention to in that situation, I would have been reprimanded and made to wait until she was done with the person she was talking with.
I didn't feel important in the family, often made to feel the "bad guy" and a "us against him" type thing. As far as raising the kids, we were a little dysfunctional. But what it fostered is a lack of respect from my perspective. I wasn't treated sometimes as a human that mattered.
Another instance. I was on the computer in the living room watching videos on YouTube or something like that. My daughter comes in and without asking me permission, turns on the TV and starts watching a program. When I turn up the sound to hear better what I'm watching, she angrily told me to go to another room, because there was only one TV but I had computers in other rooms.
True, but that wasn't the point. The point was I was treated as if what I was doing didn't matter. No one asked me if they could watch TV, or if I could go somewhere different to watch the vids I was watching. I would have happily complied. Instead, she acted like I was unimportant. And when I complained, my wife stood up for my daughter. It made me very angry, though I just stomped off to my room and stewed for a while. But stuff like that made me feel like a second-class citizen in the family.
And like the sex change, when my wife did a 180 switch from hardly wanting any sex to wanting it all the time, she suddenly became so much more interested in me as a person. She made time for me. She acted all lovey toward me where before she might not even acknowledge I had walked in the door coming home from work, now her eyes lit up and she wanted to hug and kiss me. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to the person she focused the most on in the family. Suddenly, I was ahead of the kids in importance.
So that too has changed for the better. I just wish those changes didn't have to come along with an affair as well. But I feel both that she respects me more as a person than before, and that she wants intimate contact with me all the time as well.
I'll have to evaluate if there are other needs I'm having. I don't need much, really. Just love and appreciation/respect. The rest falls into place. But I think I'm supposed to have five.
One other note. The last three Wednesdays have been hard. Tonight marks the third week since I found out the truth. That happened on a Tuesday night after she'd gone to bed, three weeks ago. Then Wednesday, I confronted her about it and the full truth came out. Naturally, that was a stressful Wednesday.
The first Wednesday after that was the day I nearly had an emotional breakdown and had to leave work early that day. And last Wednesday, for no reason I could put my finger on, I simply felt depressed more than usual. But the days since last Wednesday have been some of the better days depression wise since dday. So I'm hoping tomorrow will be good too, and not have a heavy day.
Naturally, if I do, I'll update the journal here.
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