Journey Through Adultery - 5-31-11
Our counseling session went well last night. No big problems like the last time. The therapist gave us some homework. Got to figure out what my most important needs I want met from our marriage. One would think it would be easy, but I can only think of two, and one of those I'd come to the point of acceptance that I would rarely get much as I wanted (sex). It wasn't until the guy back in Oct. started firing her buttons that she wanted sex very often. It went from maybe twice a month, or on a good month, four times, to sex every night, practically overnight.
And despite the revelation of the A, and her libido has gone down some now that she's not being charged up by sex talk on the computer and sex with a new man, she still wants to do it every night. But I can tell she's not quite as charged, but this experience has made it clear to her how much it means to a man to get this regularly. So she wants to keep it up, and she's become used to doing it nearly every day at some point.
So, on that point, my needs are being met like no other time in our marriage. I just wish I was younger now. lol. At 50, I'm not firing on all cylindars like I used to. Still some power to the engine, mind you, but I've put a few miles on the engine and it isn't as quick as it used to be.
But the other need I think I have is respect. By that I mean feeling like I'm important to her, that she treats me as a human with respect. For example, used to be if we were talking, and one of our kids came up and wanted something, that she would immediately stop paying attention to me, even if I were in mid sentence, and listen to the kid, and sometimes not even get back to me. That bugged me a lot, especially since my Mom drilled into me as a kid that you didn't interrupt her when she was talking to someone else. I wouldn't get paid attention to in that situation, I would have been reprimanded and made to wait until she was done with the person she was talking with.
I didn't feel important in the family, often made to feel the "bad guy" and a "us against him" type thing. As far as raising the kids, we were a little dysfunctional. But what it fostered is a lack of respect from my perspective. I wasn't treated sometimes as a human that mattered.
Another instance. I was on the computer in the living room watching videos on YouTube or something like that. My daughter comes in and without asking me permission, turns on the TV and starts watching a program. When I turn up the sound to hear better what I'm watching, she angrily told me to go to another room, because there was only one TV but I had computers in other rooms.
True, but that wasn't the point. The point was I was treated as if what I was doing didn't matter. No one asked me if they could watch TV, or if I could go somewhere different to watch the vids I was watching. I would have happily complied. Instead, she acted like I was unimportant. And when I complained, my wife stood up for my daughter. It made me very angry, though I just stomped off to my room and stewed for a while. But stuff like that made me feel like a second-class citizen in the family.
And like the sex change, when my wife did a 180 switch from hardly wanting any sex to wanting it all the time, she suddenly became so much more interested in me as a person. She made time for me. She acted all lovey toward me where before she might not even acknowledge I had walked in the door coming home from work, now her eyes lit up and she wanted to hug and kiss me. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to the person she focused the most on in the family. Suddenly, I was ahead of the kids in importance.
So that too has changed for the better. I just wish those changes didn't have to come along with an affair as well. But I feel both that she respects me more as a person than before, and that she wants intimate contact with me all the time as well.
I'll have to evaluate if there are other needs I'm having. I don't need much, really. Just love and appreciation/respect. The rest falls into place. But I think I'm supposed to have five.
One other note. The last three Wednesdays have been hard. Tonight marks the third week since I found out the truth. That happened on a Tuesday night after she'd gone to bed, three weeks ago. Then Wednesday, I confronted her about it and the full truth came out. Naturally, that was a stressful Wednesday.
The first Wednesday after that was the day I nearly had an emotional breakdown and had to leave work early that day. And last Wednesday, for no reason I could put my finger on, I simply felt depressed more than usual. But the days since last Wednesday have been some of the better days depression wise since dday. So I'm hoping tomorrow will be good too, and not have a heavy day.
Naturally, if I do, I'll update the journal here.
And despite the revelation of the A, and her libido has gone down some now that she's not being charged up by sex talk on the computer and sex with a new man, she still wants to do it every night. But I can tell she's not quite as charged, but this experience has made it clear to her how much it means to a man to get this regularly. So she wants to keep it up, and she's become used to doing it nearly every day at some point.
So, on that point, my needs are being met like no other time in our marriage. I just wish I was younger now. lol. At 50, I'm not firing on all cylindars like I used to. Still some power to the engine, mind you, but I've put a few miles on the engine and it isn't as quick as it used to be.
But the other need I think I have is respect. By that I mean feeling like I'm important to her, that she treats me as a human with respect. For example, used to be if we were talking, and one of our kids came up and wanted something, that she would immediately stop paying attention to me, even if I were in mid sentence, and listen to the kid, and sometimes not even get back to me. That bugged me a lot, especially since my Mom drilled into me as a kid that you didn't interrupt her when she was talking to someone else. I wouldn't get paid attention to in that situation, I would have been reprimanded and made to wait until she was done with the person she was talking with.
I didn't feel important in the family, often made to feel the "bad guy" and a "us against him" type thing. As far as raising the kids, we were a little dysfunctional. But what it fostered is a lack of respect from my perspective. I wasn't treated sometimes as a human that mattered.
Another instance. I was on the computer in the living room watching videos on YouTube or something like that. My daughter comes in and without asking me permission, turns on the TV and starts watching a program. When I turn up the sound to hear better what I'm watching, she angrily told me to go to another room, because there was only one TV but I had computers in other rooms.
True, but that wasn't the point. The point was I was treated as if what I was doing didn't matter. No one asked me if they could watch TV, or if I could go somewhere different to watch the vids I was watching. I would have happily complied. Instead, she acted like I was unimportant. And when I complained, my wife stood up for my daughter. It made me very angry, though I just stomped off to my room and stewed for a while. But stuff like that made me feel like a second-class citizen in the family.
And like the sex change, when my wife did a 180 switch from hardly wanting any sex to wanting it all the time, she suddenly became so much more interested in me as a person. She made time for me. She acted all lovey toward me where before she might not even acknowledge I had walked in the door coming home from work, now her eyes lit up and she wanted to hug and kiss me. I went from the bottom of the totem pole to the person she focused the most on in the family. Suddenly, I was ahead of the kids in importance.
So that too has changed for the better. I just wish those changes didn't have to come along with an affair as well. But I feel both that she respects me more as a person than before, and that she wants intimate contact with me all the time as well.
I'll have to evaluate if there are other needs I'm having. I don't need much, really. Just love and appreciation/respect. The rest falls into place. But I think I'm supposed to have five.
One other note. The last three Wednesdays have been hard. Tonight marks the third week since I found out the truth. That happened on a Tuesday night after she'd gone to bed, three weeks ago. Then Wednesday, I confronted her about it and the full truth came out. Naturally, that was a stressful Wednesday.
The first Wednesday after that was the day I nearly had an emotional breakdown and had to leave work early that day. And last Wednesday, for no reason I could put my finger on, I simply felt depressed more than usual. But the days since last Wednesday have been some of the better days depression wise since dday. So I'm hoping tomorrow will be good too, and not have a heavy day.
Naturally, if I do, I'll update the journal here.
Replies
Has it occurred to you that your daughter was \"living what she learned\" from her mother? If she had asked you nicely, \"Dad, since this is the only tv in the house, would you mind terribly, if I turn it on? Would it bother you or distract you?\" NOw that would have been consideration.
And I find it uncannily suspicious that, now after wifey pulled her stunts, lied, and got caught, that she may be afraid of losing you, so therefore, she\'s trying to buy you with \"sex\", and pretend that you are now, all of a sudden important! I don\'t buy the timing of this at all! I think she\'s using you, and manipulating you, and that you deserve respect regardless of the situation. That\'s just my opinion.
I\'m wondering if the sex schedule will subside very soon, as soon as she decides that she is \"safe\" in this marriage???? Wouldn\'t that be a fascinating corellation???? Let\'s wait and see!
Well, yes, it was inconsiderate. I don\'t recall times when my wife has done something similar, but it certainly doesn\'t send my daughter the right message to take her side on this issue, \'It\'s okay to be rude.\" Not a good message to send to your kids. But that was in the past some time before all this happened. I was simply pulling out examples from our past to illustrate the point.
No, the sex pattern hadn\'t changed since last October when the first man turned her on. Most certainly her desire for sex as stoked by his attention, and she released her sexual tension on me. She didn\'t think in terms of respect that that point, it was simply the natural outcome of how all this attention made me feel. Before I wasn\'t important enough to carve out regular time to have sex. We\'d had Saturday mornings as the \"standard\" time, but even that often got clipped by needing to do a job for a client on Saturday, or taking our son to a band function, etc. So it averaged around a couple times a month.
But when I wrote that, we\'d been having sex nearly every night for six months. And as I write this now, it has hardly slowed down. I actually thought it would, but she is in the habit of doing it now, and likes it, and wants to continue even if her libido isn\'t as fired up as it was while she was getting all that sexual stimulation from sex chats and such. Especially since she knows it is important to me. And she hasn\'t disappointed.
Will it continue at this level? I don\'t know. But I feel her love is sincere. She\'s not trying to manipulate me with it any more than I\'m trying to manipulate her by doing something I\'ve rarely ever done in our marriage, go to the grocery store to shop for groceries with her, spend lots of time with her, etc.
Both of those things tell each other that we love each other. They are needs we both have, and have learned it is important to fulfill those needs for our own romantic love to blossom, and to help \"affair proof\" our marriage.