Journey Through Adultery - 5-28-11
Since Wednesday, things have improved. Thursday and Friday I felt more able to focus on things at work, and less obsessed about the A. Still think about it a lot, and still feel some depression, but it was a lot less the last three days.
Despite that, as I related on another forum post, I watched the latest Star Trek movie, we have a DVD of it. There is a scene at the beginning that always makes me tear up. The father of soon-to-be-born James Kirk becomes captain of a ship for twelve minutes, and to save people who are evacuating from being killed, he is forced to manually drive the ship into a collision with the other ship.
His wife is meanwhile having a baby, James Kirk of course, on an escaping shuttle. It always gets me when a few seconds before impact, he is talking with his wife, and then right before he hits the other ship, tells her he loves her.
Like I said, that usually brings tears to my eyes. I watched it today for the first time since dday, and I didn't just tear up, I bawled for a few seconds. Sobs. I've never reacted that way before. But I think his loss, losing his wife and a kid he would never know, somehow I felt that even as I had felt my own loss with the A. Like I made some emotional connection, and I cried for a moment as if I were him and it were true.
I'm guessing there will be more moments where the loss I've had hits home. My mind probably shields me from the full force, knowing I can handle it in short burst like this, not all at once.
But seriously, not much overall to report. My wife appears still focused on learning how to function with her desires, how to handle them, and committed to our marriage. And I am as well. I want to grow to old age with her.
But she said something to me tonight that made me feel very positive. She said if she ever had any doubts about how much I loved her, those were totally gone. Because how much I've fought for her these past two and a half weeks, she knows my love for her runs deep.
Pearls to hold onto in this otherwise chaotic recovery period.
Despite that, as I related on another forum post, I watched the latest Star Trek movie, we have a DVD of it. There is a scene at the beginning that always makes me tear up. The father of soon-to-be-born James Kirk becomes captain of a ship for twelve minutes, and to save people who are evacuating from being killed, he is forced to manually drive the ship into a collision with the other ship.
His wife is meanwhile having a baby, James Kirk of course, on an escaping shuttle. It always gets me when a few seconds before impact, he is talking with his wife, and then right before he hits the other ship, tells her he loves her.
Like I said, that usually brings tears to my eyes. I watched it today for the first time since dday, and I didn't just tear up, I bawled for a few seconds. Sobs. I've never reacted that way before. But I think his loss, losing his wife and a kid he would never know, somehow I felt that even as I had felt my own loss with the A. Like I made some emotional connection, and I cried for a moment as if I were him and it were true.
I'm guessing there will be more moments where the loss I've had hits home. My mind probably shields me from the full force, knowing I can handle it in short burst like this, not all at once.
But seriously, not much overall to report. My wife appears still focused on learning how to function with her desires, how to handle them, and committed to our marriage. And I am as well. I want to grow to old age with her.
But she said something to me tonight that made me feel very positive. She said if she ever had any doubts about how much I loved her, those were totally gone. Because how much I've fought for her these past two and a half weeks, she knows my love for her runs deep.
Pearls to hold onto in this otherwise chaotic recovery period.
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