Journey Through Adultery - 5-23-11
Now that I'm fairly well caught up, I figured I would just date them as a log, journal, whatever, of my experiences from here on out. What I'm going through, etc.
I need to go back a bit, however, to explain what happened last night. I didn't post it here yet, because I hadn't told my wife about it yet and she is on these boards.
Last Thursday she had a text chat with the OM. And after that, she sat down and composed an email to him telling this was it, they couldn't communicate any longer. But she indicated earlier that day that she felt she was having a hard time just cutting him off, that she cared for him and wanted to help him heal. We'd gone back over the same arguments why she had to cut him off, but she felt it was wrong, and internally she wanted to cut him off her way, not the way everyone was telling her it had to happen.
She had shown me his texts, as he had told him she would, but she only summarized her own text responses and didn't give me a chance to read them. I felt she was hiding something.
So that evening after she was asleep, I read her text to him and she had told him, as I related in a previous post, if he saw her car in the parking lot to turn the sign upside down and she would know he'd been there.
One, I was grieved because I'd stressed so hard that we needed total honest if this was to work. And yet, she had intentionally not had me read her messages to hide this information from me. Maybe she would have eventually told me, maybe not. I couldn't know.
But two, I felt this was the side of her that was addicted to his attention and companionship trying to keep the door open, however small that opening might be. And I knew the OM would take this as her saying, "I really don't want to do this no communication thing, I'm leaving this way of communicating to let you know I'm still available." No, I don't think she consciously thought that's what she was doing, but that's how he would read it, and I think subconsciously in her brain, that was what was going on.
What this said to me is she had not really done what she'd said. She in her heart had not cut him off, as much as she wanted to do that to heal our marriage. I felt she didn't have the will power or ability to not respond, to be firm if he texted or called again. And in retrospect, I was right on that, because she admitted last night that if he did text her again, she would feel she had to respond. And that is exactly what would make her words of "no more contact" meaningless. She wanted the OM to cut off the contact because she knew she couldn't do it.
But I seriously doubted he would comply. Maybe he would, very likely he'd continue to text and maybe even call her. So I thought about what I could do, because I was at my wits end with his continued contact a week after she had thought and decided that they wouldn't have anymore contact. I saw her as not being able to hold to her word, and that would only tell him "I really don't want to do this, but I have to say this and I want to keep some level of contact with you." So he'd keep trying as long as she kept responding.
So I came up with a solution, though I didn't totally like it, because it meant hiding something from her now. I signed her phone up for parental control and blocked his number. She had said it was the end, that they couldn't communicate any longer, and I wanted to help her stick that, because I simply didn't believe she had the will power or was in the state of mind to make her words stick.
I deleted the emails from her email account and the text from her phone since she is the primary account contact for any changes on the family plan. Finally felt I could go to sleep.
Friday came, and as I related in the last post, she "got it," at least the concept of why she had to cut him totally off, not be a friend. She realized she'd given a bond to another man that rightfully belonged to me, and as long as that bond was kept alive, even as a "friendship," that illicit bond to him would remain intact. While I wasn't clear on why she would not believe me that continued contact with the OM would only draw out the pain of separation and provide opportunity for temptation to grab a hold of her again, at least something made some sense to her and it was a good perspective, because it represented reality. It was the reason why just being friends, of maintaining any kind of contact was destructive to all involved.
With this change of mind on her part, my reasons for keeping the number blocker a secret didn't seem as necessary. I had contemplated the night before of telling her of my idea and see if we could do it to help her, because she kept fearing when her phone text sound would go off that it would be him. I figured this would be some comfort to her, in that it can't be him. He can't get through. But at the time I put in on, I felt she didn't get it, and if he texted she would respond, despite her statement that she couldn't communicate with him again.
Now that she had "gotten" it, I potentially could tell her about it, and she would be happy to have that extra security blanket. However, I also feared if I told her, and she was aware of it, she would be hurt and her mind would say this is reason to run back to the OM, it would justify it. Two, once she knew about it, her inner subconscious brain would then work to find ways around this block to communicate with him. An "Oh yeah, think you can block me, do you?" attitude. And if that happened, then whatever contact would be totally behind my back, with little chance of me finding out short of finding them together, or a friend seeing them together and kissing or something.
But I wanted to be honest with her. I hated hiding something from her after all my talk of we need to be honest and open with each other. But I seriously didn't see I had much choice if this was to end and not get drawn out. And I felt at that point if she knew, it would likely not work. So I decided to tell her, but I decided I would ask the therapist about it at our Monday night meeting first. And based on what she said, possibly tell her that evening. My biggest fear is that somehow she'd find out before I could tell her.
But my plan worked beautifully. No more contact attempts were made by the OM. She seemed oblivious to the fact the number was blocked or I had put parental controls on her phone. And she was happy because the OM hadn't texted or called her, so she felt he was letting go and moving on.
So we went to our therapist session last night, and I mostly told the story to her from my perspective. It was helpful. But I asked to speak to her alone for a moment. Once my wife was out of the room, I told her about the number blocker. She'd actually asked me about whether I thought my wife needed to get a different phone number, and I was hesitant to answer, not sure I should spill the beans right that second as to why I didn't feel she needed to, but all I said is I didn't feel that would be necessary.
Now she knew why. But she also felt that I should be honest with her and tell her. It didn't have to be right then, but I had told her I had planned to wait until now, and I thought having the therapist there might help my wife deal with the fall out and help the therapist to see what my wife was going through.
My wife's reaction was at first shock. Then she felt violated. At first I didn't understand this, because it wasn't as if I became her, but later she explained that it was if he had tried to call or text, and got no response, he would think she was the one who'd not responded, when really it was me forcing her not to respond.
She was angry with me for a good part of the night. She remained cold to me up until right before she went to bed. She softened a little by then. But I could tell she was hurt by it. Though she said to the therapist and to me later that she would agree to keep the number blocked. It did provide some comfort that she wouldn't see his number at some point pop up as calling or texting. But she didn't like the fact that I forced her to respond to him in a way she wouldn't.
But from my perspective, that was exactly what I didn't want her to do, was respond to any text or call she sent.
She improved today, and appears more forgiving and such, even if she still feels a little hurt by the deception. But we've promised not to keep such secrets from each other. Which means I'm taking a step here, as I'm risking her not seeking him out again, and now that she knows there's a block, she'll know she'll need to use other means that I'm not likely to know about.
But I have no doubt that she is committed to me and our relationship. Mentally I have no doubts. Emotionally, it is still a bucking bronco of emotions, fear, and intermittent hope for the future.
But we're on a good tact now. I'm praying it stays that way.
I need to go back a bit, however, to explain what happened last night. I didn't post it here yet, because I hadn't told my wife about it yet and she is on these boards.
Last Thursday she had a text chat with the OM. And after that, she sat down and composed an email to him telling this was it, they couldn't communicate any longer. But she indicated earlier that day that she felt she was having a hard time just cutting him off, that she cared for him and wanted to help him heal. We'd gone back over the same arguments why she had to cut him off, but she felt it was wrong, and internally she wanted to cut him off her way, not the way everyone was telling her it had to happen.
She had shown me his texts, as he had told him she would, but she only summarized her own text responses and didn't give me a chance to read them. I felt she was hiding something.
So that evening after she was asleep, I read her text to him and she had told him, as I related in a previous post, if he saw her car in the parking lot to turn the sign upside down and she would know he'd been there.
One, I was grieved because I'd stressed so hard that we needed total honest if this was to work. And yet, she had intentionally not had me read her messages to hide this information from me. Maybe she would have eventually told me, maybe not. I couldn't know.
But two, I felt this was the side of her that was addicted to his attention and companionship trying to keep the door open, however small that opening might be. And I knew the OM would take this as her saying, "I really don't want to do this no communication thing, I'm leaving this way of communicating to let you know I'm still available." No, I don't think she consciously thought that's what she was doing, but that's how he would read it, and I think subconsciously in her brain, that was what was going on.
What this said to me is she had not really done what she'd said. She in her heart had not cut him off, as much as she wanted to do that to heal our marriage. I felt she didn't have the will power or ability to not respond, to be firm if he texted or called again. And in retrospect, I was right on that, because she admitted last night that if he did text her again, she would feel she had to respond. And that is exactly what would make her words of "no more contact" meaningless. She wanted the OM to cut off the contact because she knew she couldn't do it.
But I seriously doubted he would comply. Maybe he would, very likely he'd continue to text and maybe even call her. So I thought about what I could do, because I was at my wits end with his continued contact a week after she had thought and decided that they wouldn't have anymore contact. I saw her as not being able to hold to her word, and that would only tell him "I really don't want to do this, but I have to say this and I want to keep some level of contact with you." So he'd keep trying as long as she kept responding.
So I came up with a solution, though I didn't totally like it, because it meant hiding something from her now. I signed her phone up for parental control and blocked his number. She had said it was the end, that they couldn't communicate any longer, and I wanted to help her stick that, because I simply didn't believe she had the will power or was in the state of mind to make her words stick.
I deleted the emails from her email account and the text from her phone since she is the primary account contact for any changes on the family plan. Finally felt I could go to sleep.
Friday came, and as I related in the last post, she "got it," at least the concept of why she had to cut him totally off, not be a friend. She realized she'd given a bond to another man that rightfully belonged to me, and as long as that bond was kept alive, even as a "friendship," that illicit bond to him would remain intact. While I wasn't clear on why she would not believe me that continued contact with the OM would only draw out the pain of separation and provide opportunity for temptation to grab a hold of her again, at least something made some sense to her and it was a good perspective, because it represented reality. It was the reason why just being friends, of maintaining any kind of contact was destructive to all involved.
With this change of mind on her part, my reasons for keeping the number blocker a secret didn't seem as necessary. I had contemplated the night before of telling her of my idea and see if we could do it to help her, because she kept fearing when her phone text sound would go off that it would be him. I figured this would be some comfort to her, in that it can't be him. He can't get through. But at the time I put in on, I felt she didn't get it, and if he texted she would respond, despite her statement that she couldn't communicate with him again.
Now that she had "gotten" it, I potentially could tell her about it, and she would be happy to have that extra security blanket. However, I also feared if I told her, and she was aware of it, she would be hurt and her mind would say this is reason to run back to the OM, it would justify it. Two, once she knew about it, her inner subconscious brain would then work to find ways around this block to communicate with him. An "Oh yeah, think you can block me, do you?" attitude. And if that happened, then whatever contact would be totally behind my back, with little chance of me finding out short of finding them together, or a friend seeing them together and kissing or something.
But I wanted to be honest with her. I hated hiding something from her after all my talk of we need to be honest and open with each other. But I seriously didn't see I had much choice if this was to end and not get drawn out. And I felt at that point if she knew, it would likely not work. So I decided to tell her, but I decided I would ask the therapist about it at our Monday night meeting first. And based on what she said, possibly tell her that evening. My biggest fear is that somehow she'd find out before I could tell her.
But my plan worked beautifully. No more contact attempts were made by the OM. She seemed oblivious to the fact the number was blocked or I had put parental controls on her phone. And she was happy because the OM hadn't texted or called her, so she felt he was letting go and moving on.
So we went to our therapist session last night, and I mostly told the story to her from my perspective. It was helpful. But I asked to speak to her alone for a moment. Once my wife was out of the room, I told her about the number blocker. She'd actually asked me about whether I thought my wife needed to get a different phone number, and I was hesitant to answer, not sure I should spill the beans right that second as to why I didn't feel she needed to, but all I said is I didn't feel that would be necessary.
Now she knew why. But she also felt that I should be honest with her and tell her. It didn't have to be right then, but I had told her I had planned to wait until now, and I thought having the therapist there might help my wife deal with the fall out and help the therapist to see what my wife was going through.
My wife's reaction was at first shock. Then she felt violated. At first I didn't understand this, because it wasn't as if I became her, but later she explained that it was if he had tried to call or text, and got no response, he would think she was the one who'd not responded, when really it was me forcing her not to respond.
She was angry with me for a good part of the night. She remained cold to me up until right before she went to bed. She softened a little by then. But I could tell she was hurt by it. Though she said to the therapist and to me later that she would agree to keep the number blocked. It did provide some comfort that she wouldn't see his number at some point pop up as calling or texting. But she didn't like the fact that I forced her to respond to him in a way she wouldn't.
But from my perspective, that was exactly what I didn't want her to do, was respond to any text or call she sent.
She improved today, and appears more forgiving and such, even if she still feels a little hurt by the deception. But we've promised not to keep such secrets from each other. Which means I'm taking a step here, as I'm risking her not seeking him out again, and now that she knows there's a block, she'll know she'll need to use other means that I'm not likely to know about.
But I have no doubt that she is committed to me and our relationship. Mentally I have no doubts. Emotionally, it is still a bucking bronco of emotions, fear, and intermittent hope for the future.
But we're on a good tact now. I'm praying it stays that way.
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