Journey Through Adultery - 5-23-11
Now that I'm fairly well caught up, I figured I would just date them as a log, journal, whatever, of my experiences from here on out. What I'm going through, etc.
I need to go back a bit, however, to explain what happened last night. I didn't post it here yet, because I hadn't told my wife about it yet and she is on these boards.
Last Thursday she had a text chat with the OM. And after that, she sat down and composed an email to him telling this was it, they couldn't communicate any longer. But she indicated earlier that day that she felt she was having a hard time just cutting him off, that she cared for him and wanted to help him heal. We'd gone back over the same arguments why she had to cut him off, but she felt it was wrong, and internally she wanted to cut him off her way, not the way everyone was telling her it had to happen.
She had shown me his texts, as he had told him she would, but she only summarized her own text responses and didn't give me a chance to read them. I felt she was hiding something.
So that evening after she was asleep, I read her text to him and she had told him, as I related in a previous post, if he saw her car in the parking lot to turn the sign upside down and she would know he'd been there.
One, I was grieved because I'd stressed so hard that we needed total honest if this was to work. And yet, she had intentionally not had me read her messages to hide this information from me. Maybe she would have eventually told me, maybe not. I couldn't know.
But two, I felt this was the side of her that was addicted to his attention and companionship trying to keep the door open, however small that opening might be. And I knew the OM would take this as her saying, "I really don't want to do this no communication thing, I'm leaving this way of communicating to let you know I'm still available." No, I don't think she consciously thought that's what she was doing, but that's how he would read it, and I think subconsciously in her brain, that was what was going on.
What this said to me is she had not really done what she'd said. She in her heart had not cut him off, as much as she wanted to do that to heal our marriage. I felt she didn't have the will power or ability to not respond, to be firm if he texted or called again. And in retrospect, I was right on that, because she admitted last night that if he did text her again, she would feel she had to respond. And that is exactly what would make her words of "no more contact" meaningless. She wanted the OM to cut off the contact because she knew she couldn't do it.
But I seriously doubted he would comply. Maybe he would, very likely he'd continue to text and maybe even call her. So I thought about what I could do, because I was at my wits end with his continued contact a week after she had thought and decided that they wouldn't have anymore contact. I saw her as not being able to hold to her word, and that would only tell him "I really don't want to do this, but I have to say this and I want to keep some level of contact with you." So he'd keep trying as long as she kept responding.
So I came up with a solution, though I didn't totally like it, because it meant hiding something from her now. I signed her phone up for parental control and blocked his number. She had said it was the end, that they couldn't communicate any longer, and I wanted to help her stick that, because I simply didn't believe she had the will power or was in the state of mind to make her words stick.
I deleted the emails from her email account and the text from her phone since she is the primary account contact for any changes on the family plan. Finally felt I could go to sleep.
Friday came, and as I related in the last post, she "got it," at least the concept of why she had to cut him totally off, not be a friend. She realized she'd given a bond to another man that rightfully belonged to me, and as long as that bond was kept alive, even as a "friendship," that illicit bond to him would remain intact. While I wasn't clear on why she would not believe me that continued contact with the OM would only draw out the pain of separation and provide opportunity for temptation to grab a hold of her again, at least something made some sense to her and it was a good perspective, because it represented reality. It was the reason why just being friends, of maintaining any kind of contact was destructive to all involved.
With this change of mind on her part, my reasons for keeping the number blocker a secret didn't seem as necessary. I had contemplated the night before of telling her of my idea and see if we could do it to help her, because she kept fearing when her phone text sound would go off that it would be him. I figured this would be some comfort to her, in that it can't be him. He can't get through. But at the time I put in on, I felt she didn't get it, and if he texted she would respond, despite her statement that she couldn't communicate with him again.
Now that she had "gotten" it, I potentially could tell her about it, and she would be happy to have that extra security blanket. However, I also feared if I told her, and she was aware of it, she would be hurt and her mind would say this is reason to run back to the OM, it would justify it. Two, once she knew about it, her inner subconscious brain would then work to find ways around this block to communicate with him. An "Oh yeah, think you can block me, do you?" attitude. And if that happened, then whatever contact would be totally behind my back, with little chance of me finding out short of finding them together, or a friend seeing them together and kissing or something.
But I wanted to be honest with her. I hated hiding something from her after all my talk of we need to be honest and open with each other. But I seriously didn't see I had much choice if this was to end and not get drawn out. And I felt at that point if she knew, it would likely not work. So I decided to tell her, but I decided I would ask the therapist about it at our Monday night meeting first. And based on what she said, possibly tell her that evening. My biggest fear is that somehow she'd find out before I could tell her.
But my plan worked beautifully. No more contact attempts were made by the OM. She seemed oblivious to the fact the number was blocked or I had put parental controls on her phone. And she was happy because the OM hadn't texted or called her, so she felt he was letting go and moving on.
So we went to our therapist session last night, and I mostly told the story to her from my perspective. It was helpful. But I asked to speak to her alone for a moment. Once my wife was out of the room, I told her about the number blocker. She'd actually asked me about whether I thought my wife needed to get a different phone number, and I was hesitant to answer, not sure I should spill the beans right that second as to why I didn't feel she needed to, but all I said is I didn't feel that would be necessary.
Now she knew why. But she also felt that I should be honest with her and tell her. It didn't have to be right then, but I had told her I had planned to wait until now, and I thought having the therapist there might help my wife deal with the fall out and help the therapist to see what my wife was going through.
My wife's reaction was at first shock. Then she felt violated. At first I didn't understand this, because it wasn't as if I became her, but later she explained that it was if he had tried to call or text, and got no response, he would think she was the one who'd not responded, when really it was me forcing her not to respond.
She was angry with me for a good part of the night. She remained cold to me up until right before she went to bed. She softened a little by then. But I could tell she was hurt by it. Though she said to the therapist and to me later that she would agree to keep the number blocked. It did provide some comfort that she wouldn't see his number at some point pop up as calling or texting. But she didn't like the fact that I forced her to respond to him in a way she wouldn't.
But from my perspective, that was exactly what I didn't want her to do, was respond to any text or call she sent.
She improved today, and appears more forgiving and such, even if she still feels a little hurt by the deception. But we've promised not to keep such secrets from each other. Which means I'm taking a step here, as I'm risking her not seeking him out again, and now that she knows there's a block, she'll know she'll need to use other means that I'm not likely to know about.
But I have no doubt that she is committed to me and our relationship. Mentally I have no doubts. Emotionally, it is still a bucking bronco of emotions, fear, and intermittent hope for the future.
But we're on a good tact now. I'm praying it stays that way.
I need to go back a bit, however, to explain what happened last night. I didn't post it here yet, because I hadn't told my wife about it yet and she is on these boards.
Last Thursday she had a text chat with the OM. And after that, she sat down and composed an email to him telling this was it, they couldn't communicate any longer. But she indicated earlier that day that she felt she was having a hard time just cutting him off, that she cared for him and wanted to help him heal. We'd gone back over the same arguments why she had to cut him off, but she felt it was wrong, and internally she wanted to cut him off her way, not the way everyone was telling her it had to happen.
She had shown me his texts, as he had told him she would, but she only summarized her own text responses and didn't give me a chance to read them. I felt she was hiding something.
So that evening after she was asleep, I read her text to him and she had told him, as I related in a previous post, if he saw her car in the parking lot to turn the sign upside down and she would know he'd been there.
One, I was grieved because I'd stressed so hard that we needed total honest if this was to work. And yet, she had intentionally not had me read her messages to hide this information from me. Maybe she would have eventually told me, maybe not. I couldn't know.
But two, I felt this was the side of her that was addicted to his attention and companionship trying to keep the door open, however small that opening might be. And I knew the OM would take this as her saying, "I really don't want to do this no communication thing, I'm leaving this way of communicating to let you know I'm still available." No, I don't think she consciously thought that's what she was doing, but that's how he would read it, and I think subconsciously in her brain, that was what was going on.
What this said to me is she had not really done what she'd said. She in her heart had not cut him off, as much as she wanted to do that to heal our marriage. I felt she didn't have the will power or ability to not respond, to be firm if he texted or called again. And in retrospect, I was right on that, because she admitted last night that if he did text her again, she would feel she had to respond. And that is exactly what would make her words of "no more contact" meaningless. She wanted the OM to cut off the contact because she knew she couldn't do it.
But I seriously doubted he would comply. Maybe he would, very likely he'd continue to text and maybe even call her. So I thought about what I could do, because I was at my wits end with his continued contact a week after she had thought and decided that they wouldn't have anymore contact. I saw her as not being able to hold to her word, and that would only tell him "I really don't want to do this, but I have to say this and I want to keep some level of contact with you." So he'd keep trying as long as she kept responding.
So I came up with a solution, though I didn't totally like it, because it meant hiding something from her now. I signed her phone up for parental control and blocked his number. She had said it was the end, that they couldn't communicate any longer, and I wanted to help her stick that, because I simply didn't believe she had the will power or was in the state of mind to make her words stick.
I deleted the emails from her email account and the text from her phone since she is the primary account contact for any changes on the family plan. Finally felt I could go to sleep.
Friday came, and as I related in the last post, she "got it," at least the concept of why she had to cut him totally off, not be a friend. She realized she'd given a bond to another man that rightfully belonged to me, and as long as that bond was kept alive, even as a "friendship," that illicit bond to him would remain intact. While I wasn't clear on why she would not believe me that continued contact with the OM would only draw out the pain of separation and provide opportunity for temptation to grab a hold of her again, at least something made some sense to her and it was a good perspective, because it represented reality. It was the reason why just being friends, of maintaining any kind of contact was destructive to all involved.
With this change of mind on her part, my reasons for keeping the number blocker a secret didn't seem as necessary. I had contemplated the night before of telling her of my idea and see if we could do it to help her, because she kept fearing when her phone text sound would go off that it would be him. I figured this would be some comfort to her, in that it can't be him. He can't get through. But at the time I put in on, I felt she didn't get it, and if he texted she would respond, despite her statement that she couldn't communicate with him again.
Now that she had "gotten" it, I potentially could tell her about it, and she would be happy to have that extra security blanket. However, I also feared if I told her, and she was aware of it, she would be hurt and her mind would say this is reason to run back to the OM, it would justify it. Two, once she knew about it, her inner subconscious brain would then work to find ways around this block to communicate with him. An "Oh yeah, think you can block me, do you?" attitude. And if that happened, then whatever contact would be totally behind my back, with little chance of me finding out short of finding them together, or a friend seeing them together and kissing or something.
But I wanted to be honest with her. I hated hiding something from her after all my talk of we need to be honest and open with each other. But I seriously didn't see I had much choice if this was to end and not get drawn out. And I felt at that point if she knew, it would likely not work. So I decided to tell her, but I decided I would ask the therapist about it at our Monday night meeting first. And based on what she said, possibly tell her that evening. My biggest fear is that somehow she'd find out before I could tell her.
But my plan worked beautifully. No more contact attempts were made by the OM. She seemed oblivious to the fact the number was blocked or I had put parental controls on her phone. And she was happy because the OM hadn't texted or called her, so she felt he was letting go and moving on.
So we went to our therapist session last night, and I mostly told the story to her from my perspective. It was helpful. But I asked to speak to her alone for a moment. Once my wife was out of the room, I told her about the number blocker. She'd actually asked me about whether I thought my wife needed to get a different phone number, and I was hesitant to answer, not sure I should spill the beans right that second as to why I didn't feel she needed to, but all I said is I didn't feel that would be necessary.
Now she knew why. But she also felt that I should be honest with her and tell her. It didn't have to be right then, but I had told her I had planned to wait until now, and I thought having the therapist there might help my wife deal with the fall out and help the therapist to see what my wife was going through.
My wife's reaction was at first shock. Then she felt violated. At first I didn't understand this, because it wasn't as if I became her, but later she explained that it was if he had tried to call or text, and got no response, he would think she was the one who'd not responded, when really it was me forcing her not to respond.
She was angry with me for a good part of the night. She remained cold to me up until right before she went to bed. She softened a little by then. But I could tell she was hurt by it. Though she said to the therapist and to me later that she would agree to keep the number blocked. It did provide some comfort that she wouldn't see his number at some point pop up as calling or texting. But she didn't like the fact that I forced her to respond to him in a way she wouldn't.
But from my perspective, that was exactly what I didn't want her to do, was respond to any text or call she sent.
She improved today, and appears more forgiving and such, even if she still feels a little hurt by the deception. But we've promised not to keep such secrets from each other. Which means I'm taking a step here, as I'm risking her not seeking him out again, and now that she knows there's a block, she'll know she'll need to use other means that I'm not likely to know about.
But I have no doubt that she is committed to me and our relationship. Mentally I have no doubts. Emotionally, it is still a bucking bronco of emotions, fear, and intermittent hope for the future.
But we're on a good tact now. I'm praying it stays that way.
Replies
Well, she knew darn well, why she should break off all contact! That is rule #1, if she truly meant she wanted to repair or rebuild the marriage.
Obviously she wasn\'t ready! Obviously she was grieving that loss, and that lovely one month long relationship???? I think it was longer, I truly do!
And, I find it ironic, that she felt hurt over this! Are you kidding me???? How about the h urt you felt over muchmore serious things which she deceptively engaged in for so long, how many times, who knows!
I still think you are being way too soft on her! I do think, that she is very likely to repeat this \"addictive\" risk-taking behavior, because there really hasn\'t been a huge fallout! She still has her husband! Her kids probably know nothing of this, and they are old enough, in my opinion, I\'m just guessing they are over 15 yrs. old.
I think you are fooling yourself. I think you are being far too honest, with the \"enemy\" who has not yet fully decided that she\'s done with this deception and game-playing. From the start, she lied. She continued to lie, about keeping contact, and then about breaking contact!
My instincts say, that she is not done with this yet! And that she may indeed be a serial cheater. You do have to count the first blow job, as sex, you really do!
Oh, I do count the first blow job as sex. Not intercourse, but sex as well. I wouldn\'t put it on the same level as intercourse. As far as intimacy and emotional bonding, yes, same level. But intercourse you make kids, the two become one via that means. Though she said he pulled out each time, even a little pre-cum contains sperm, and she could have gotten pregnant. That act is a special bonding act more so than any other.
But yes, oral sex was full physical adultery. When I said they didn\'t have sex in that first post, what I mean was intercourse. I didn\'t mean to say that her having oral sex with him wasn\'t sex.
And yes, this point in the recovery phase was one of the hardest. Yes, I do believe she didn\'t have more than the 6 weeks affair with him. She didn\'t start going to the gym until March. The affair started toward the end of March until dday on May 11th. Plus, in her phone log, his number doesn\'t start appearing until around that time on either calls or text. Everything points to that she was telling the truth on that.
And no, we\'d not read anything about the total breaking off of all contact. I said she needed to do that, before we\'d read it in a book. The therapist said she needed to do that. But you are right, she rebelled against that. She said it didn\'t feel right to her to do that, and yes, she had fallen in love with him and part of her didn\'t want to cut if off, it was hard for her.
But when all was said and done, she did cut if off, with a little help. Naturally she was hurt, but I had no option. She accepted it, and wanted the block to stay in place so she didn\'t have to worry about him calling or texting her. And with that, she didn\'t get any further contact from him until the last incident.
I don\'t think she\'s gotten off easy here. She has to deal with the guilt and realization now that she\'s come out of the fog of what she\'s did. She cries nearly every day since dday because of the hurt she\'s caused in me and the OM. She has to live with that realization. Currently she is very sorrowful over it.
As I\'ve stated, I don\'t hold grudges. I forgive easily. My concern is to work through this, not to put someone down or tell them how horrible they are, that will get us no where. She knows how bad she\'s been now. I know you\'re not here and can\'t experience it. You\'ll just have to trust me. But at this time, it was rough for a bit. I didn\'t know if she was going to make the break with him or not. That\'s been one of the hardest parts. Now she doesn\'t want any contact from him at all.