Journey Through Adultery - 10-17-11

Last night marked a small milestone. Which is appropriate considering it was around this time last year when my W was first struck with serious infatuation and sexual spark from this man.
For a brief recap, so you don't have to go digging in my journal to find the story, my wife was particularly vulnerable to the advances of guys around this time, and feeling somewhat distant from me more than normal, though I was unaware of that fact. She didn't really care to be around me. And this one man who worked for one of her cleaning clients, from the start she'd thought him cute and attractive (even though to me, he looked like some redneck guy and I couldn't see what she saw for the life of me). And this man had the tendency to joke by making double entrandras. And my wife due to several reasons I detail more in my early journal entries, was being flirty. Long story short, he gave her his cell phone number and said to text him. She did, and he sent back his first very "flirty" text to her. She was excited about it and thought it was just a game, as they "joked" around when she cleaned their business. And she told me about that text, to which I told her it wasn't a game and she shouldn't do it.
Well, the next text wasn't just a flirt, but a full on sex-text. This had an profound emotional effect on my wife, who felt super excited and drawn to him, but also concerned that he might be taking this too seriously. So next time she saw him, she told him that she could never do the kinds of things he was talking about because she was happily married and could never do that to me. He understood and acted like he'd back off. I think she may have even told me about him backing off, though she didn't tell me about the sex texting, I just thought they were flirting, which was bad enough and had me worried.
But the bottom line is she was hooked. Her excitement level went through the roof. It was after receiving that first sex text from him that she went from being a two-times a month "let's have sex" wife (and most of those instigated by me) to a "let's do this as often as we can make time" sex wife. The change was drastic, and I knew it was from the flirting (or so I thought). In one sense, I was getting what I'd always wanted and dreamed I would never get from her, and figured it would die out in a week to one month as such things had in the past. But unknown to me, this was much deeper. I didn't realize the depth of her infatuation with him. I would get hints of that after he moved away, but it wasn't until dday seven months later that I would realize the full extent of what had happened.
It was around a week or less and the guy sent her another sex text, and this time she responded in kind, telling herself it was just a game and she could handle it. But she was already in the fog of an emotional affair, and the truth was she couldn't handle it. She didn't think anything could get her to cheat on me. This man would prove her wrong. She already was cheating on me, but she didn't see it that way at the time. Just a game she was playing that made her feel really good and sexy, and her fog laden mind said, "I've got to have that, let's rationalize this to make it so!" I'm sure that wasn't the exact words that went through her mind, but that was the bottom line.
The emotional affair went on from around mid-October through mid-December. He'd several times tried to get her to come to his trailer, or do things with him physically, but she'd refused. But even in her refusal, her resolve was being chipped away. Inside, she was wanting this even as her "good girl" was saying no. So much so that when she found out he was moving out of state in a week that December, against my explicit directions that she should under no circumstances meet up with him that week, she made arrangements to eat at a Sonic-like drive in in a neighboring town the last day he would be there. To get to the point, she gave him a blow job in the car on that day. The first time she'd ever done anything physically sexual with another guy than me.
What I didn't find out until after dday is what happened after that. Unknown to me, he came back for another week to tie up lose ends. He had contacted her and wanted to spend some time with her at his trailer. She really wanted to. I mean, she felt like this was her last chance to experience sex with him, and something inside of her really wanted it to happen. She said she would have time that coming Wednesday. But after she made the date, she had another moment of clarity and was scared, knowing she couldn't do that. But she really wanted to. After a war in her soul, she made  lunch date with me that Wed. She kept that date, and he kept texting her while we ate at the restaurant. I think she knew if we ate and left that she would be too tempted to go to him, so she asked me if I would like to go home and have sex. Which I gladly did. The OM gave up and she never heard from him again. That all happened last December.
I was glad he was gone and figured she would get over him and things would get back to normal. She thought the same thing after he'd left, but her feelings for him were so strong that she couldn't forget about him. Two months later she started searching for him online, set up a MySpace profile, where she did find his MySpace profile that he'd not been to in years, but she sent him a friend request. But what that started was she found some other guys on there to start having sex chats with. As the story goes, that led to multiple online sex chats with several guys over the next several months up until dday, and that broke down her morals enough that by the time opportunity arose with a local guy she met at the gym, she had only minor resistance to having sex with him and was sending out "I'm available" signals real strong. She only fought it superficially for about a week and a half, and then gave up and just let it happen. And for six weeks they had the affair, while she was sex-chatting with multiple guys, and having sex with me daily as if I were the only one in her life. I thought things were going well, only to find out on dday how wrong I was.
But I've placed a good bit of "blame" on this first guy who initiated the spark in her. Not that it takes away any "blame" from her. I've always said each partner has 100% blame, because it takes two, and if one refuses, it doesn't happen. While the fog convinced her she was a victim caught up in a whirlpool of emotions she couldn't resist, in reality she had the power to say no and walk away, not respond to any text. It would have been hard, but it was doable, and the future of our marriage was at stake. But the fog wouldn't allow her to think about that. Only what it was driving her to have. What her emotions were pulling her to do.
I don't know how things would have worked out if that first man hadn't "lit her fire." Maybe when the kids left the house she would have divorced me because she couldn't stand to live with me, didn't think I loved her because I didn't hardly spend any time with her. Ironically, it could be that the affair has saved our marriage. Who knows? But another part of me wants to believe that we could have realized our marriage was in trouble and sought out counseling at some point, and the affair didn't have to happen for that to be saved. I'm pretty sure that's true. But God has a way of using what happens bad to us to make us better rather than destroying us...if we let Him.
So doing the "what if" tends to be a fruitless exercise. But I bring this up for a different reason. If he hadn't have hit on my wife at that time, she wouldn't have gone into the fog, and she wouldn't have done the things she did leading to multiple affairs, looking for "experiences." Maybe another guy would have come along and done the same thing. Who knows, but he is responsible for his actions, and this is the truth. My wife even knew this at the time and still wanted to have sex with him, still wanted him. It makes absolutely no sense. But this is a guy who was in a committed relationship (not  married, but living with someone) and didn't have any qualms about taking advantage of any opportunity to fulfill his sexual pleasure. He would be classified as a serial cheater. He didn't care what lives he destroyed in the process. And even though my W knew he couldn't be committed to her, would cheat on her just as readily as he was cheating on his current live-in girlfriend, and was probably hitting up on other women while he was talking to her, even though she knew that he only wanted to use her for his sexual pleasure and toss her away like an old dish rag once he was finished wiping himself, even though she new all this, she was highly infatuated with him and part of her wanted him to use her in that way.
Thus, when I learned the full extent of what had happened, I called him evil, and out of the whole thing I blame him the highest because he essentially swooped down like a bird of prey and tried to eat up my naive and vulnerable wife, take advantage of her, and ruin our marriage and potentially cause my kids to end up with a divided family, which we had successfully avoided for 28.5 years by that point. When I was most angry, I was angry at him the most because I saw him as an evil, selfish, cold, and inner-core rotten person who would do this to other people only to get a sexual thrill his is hooked on. He's nothing more than a lion looking for prey to devour and spit out the bones. He was for me, evil personified.
Now, even after dday, when I was saying those things, my wife didn't agree. I knew she still held a special place for him. She still had a particular picture of him that she liked. She eventually got rid of that as the fog lifted and cleared. But last night as we talked about him, for the first time, she called him "evil." I jerked back and asked her, "Did you just call him evil?" She nodded, "Yes." I wrapped her in my arms and told her how much I loved her. She laughed. But that is the first sign she had any sense of what he did was evil, that he deserved that title for what he was and did to her and our family. Literally, everything that happened from last October through May was a direct result of him seeing my wife was attracted to him to some degree, and she was unknowingly sending out signals he was picking up on, but knowing she was married, and happily so as she told him, he sought to have sex with her and pursued her. Knowing she had kids, knowing what he was doing could likely cause her to lose her happy marriage permanently. And yet, he only cared about one thing, and she knew it, fulfilling his own sexual desires, and he didn't care who he took advantage of or destroyed in the process.
To some extent, I feel pity on him. Because he is trapped in his own rationalizations and has given up real life to embrace a death that may feel good for the moment, but will feel horrible for eternity. But I feel strong sorrow for the many other families and lives he has destroyed in his wake, and may even be doing so now. Maybe God will turn him around at some point. It can happen as others have experienced the same thing. But what he did and is doing, his whole orientation and outlook on life is pure evil. And I'm not sure why, but it felt good to hear my W finally agree and confirm that truth. Pure evil.
And it is for me one more sign that this is behind us and the fog no longer rules her thoughts. And our marriage is much stronger now as a result. We spend lots of time together and are both committed to each other, and are grateful for a second chance to live our marriage the way it should have been to start with.
And my heart hurts for the many fine people on this forum who are not getting that second chance, whose CS is not doing the things needed to heal the marriage. I pray that things would turn around for you all, and the CS realize what they are doing is destructive to not only the marriage and their spouses, but to themselves and the OP involved in the affair, and that it is up to them to make things right if it is not too late to do so.
If anything, my W stands as an example of a CS who has done the hard things to save her marriage, and succeeded thus far. It has demonstrated to me the depth of her love for me, and has been very healing for my own insecurity. I hope she can inspire other CSs toward the same path. And in case it needs to be pointed out, she is Gabrielle48 here on the forums. I'm very proud of her.
She is proof that the CS can be turned around and the marriage made better. Why give up on years of investment in a marriage if it can be saved? It isn't easy, but then nothing in life that is worthwhile ever is. But it is also true that the reward is very, very sweet.
May you all have similar stories to tell. And if you don't, perhaps you can still have your own personal successes and come out a better person, a stronger person, than you were before, and because of that won't swing at the first pitch and you'll find a man or woman who is worthy of you, and the sweetness of success will eventually be found that way. We can't control what the other person does and decides, but we can control how we react to it, use it to better ourselves, and make ourselves stronger through the pain and suffering that comes with this experience.



Well, I\'m glad that Gabi, reinforced that he was \"evil\". It\'s always helpful and feels good when your spouse validates you! Wtg to Gabi, and I\'m happy for the both of you!

Me too, blondegal. If there is any fog left from the A, it is very small wisps. She\'s come a long ways in five months, and for that I\'m very thankful. And pray it continues into the years ahead.

love your story, Cole & Gabi. I have also lived that fog and relate, unfortunately. Wishing you both continued success. You both sound wonderful. : )

Thanks, Sherrie. Hope you and movie will be successful too.