Journey Through Adultery - 10-11-11, 5 mo annv.

May 11th, 2011, a day that will live in infamy. At least, for me and my wife. Early that morning after my W had gone to bed, I got on her computer to read my first log that I had recorded after installing a key logger on the computer, because I suspected that she was having some emotional affairs (though I didn't know they were called that) on the computer. At worst, that's all I expected to find. But what I ended up with is a full confession of not only the emotional, turning physical affair on the last day he was here back the previous December, but the several guys online she'd been sex-chatting with, one time having phone sex with another guy, and then what I never expected to find out, that she was currently having a full blown sexual affair with a local guy she'd met at the gym.
I was devastated, to say the least. In total shock and denial. This couldn't be happening. Not her. We had a happy marriage. There were no signs we were having problems, no signs she was doing anything like this, (there were, but I'd missed seeing them, maybe didn't want to think about them too much). As matter of fact, we were having sex every day, sometimes two or three times a day. I couldn't imagine that she would need another person, and it was so out of character as to who she was.
Suddenly, everything was up in the air. I had no idea if I was history, if she even wanted me anymore (why else would she go for someone else, I reasoned). In three days we were headed to a bed and breakfast to celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. I had no idea whether to cancel that or if we needed it.
Without rehashing the whole story that anyone can read in detail in this journal, I discovered she did want me, was ready to ditch the OM, and committed herself to doing everything she could to rebuild our marriage. I was very relieved too, because I wasn't ready to throw away 29 years of marriage unless there simply was no other option.
And so the rebuilding began. The first three weeks were some of the most emotional roller coaster weeks of my life. I'm a very emotionally low-key guy. It is simply hard to make me very angry about anything, even when I really should do so. But I did experience some anger those three weeks. I ended up leaving work one day because I couldn't keep from crying in fear that she was in his arms again.
But as the dust settled, my W has progressed steadily, and over time my fears have mostly subsided. Occasionally I'll worry, but those don't hit me much. And a lot of that is I can see she's come out of the fog, she realizes what she's done and is repentant over it, and she is doing everything I want her to do (if not right away, eventually), answering any question I throw at her no matter how much it hurts her to answer it, staying patient with me through my crazy bouts of fear, and is focused on her own spiritual healing as well.
One of the interesting things she's realized is that the one she's offended the most is God. You see, she compartmentalized her life in order to have the affairs and secret life she was leading. And she did it very effectively. She could act normal, even passionately in love with me, all the while sex-chatting with other guys and having sex that same day with the OM. Some days she'd do all three. Have sex with the OM, sex-chat online, then go to bed and have sex with me. I could never do something like that, but she did. IOW, while she was cheating on me, I was still in the picture.
Not so for God. She couldn't act like everything was normal with Him. So for the most part she locked Him up in a closet and ignored Him. That was necessary to not think about her own morals she was violating, what she knew was right and wrong, and the destruction it was causing and going to cause to our marriage and family.
But she would have what she called occasional moments of clarity, where she realized what she was doing, and breathed a prayer to God to not let her destroy our marriage. As a matter of fact, the Sunday before dday, she lit a candle at church and prayed that God would save her from herself. Was it mere coincidence that it was that Monday that I grew suspicious because of seeing she'd sent pictures to two different men I didn't know email addresses? That when I decided to install that key logger, that would be the one time she ended up confessing about the whole affair to one of her online sex-chatting partners, causing me to learn the whole horrible truth in one fell swoop? Nope, I would tend to think God had all this intricately arranged in direct answer to her prayers. Somewhere inside of her, despite what she was doing on the outside, she wanted to be caught, wanted it to end. And I think she'd given up on herself being able to end it without help. She'd tried, and failed miserably each time.
So here we are, five months out, and I can't believe how far we've come, especially when I read what everyone else is going through. And I do give bunches of the credit to her being so committed to making this rebuilding of our marriage work. Especially as we've moved along, she has done what has needed doing.
One example of her own growth, just last night at the gym she had a trigger moment. In this case, about the OM. She's not sure why he popped into her head at that moment. But in times past, when that has happened and she's allowed herself to think much about him other than a passing thought, she has had this "I miss him feeling" inside. Sort of a sadness for him, and the bond they had. Nothing like, "OMG, I've got to have him again!" Just a missing of him, like you might miss someone you love that you haven't seen in a while. But last night, for the first time, when he popped into her mind, she said she didn't feel at all like that, but it felt unpleasant to her, like she didn't want him popping up like that. She doesn't have the same feelings for him now, which has changed since that last email we sent to him and his response is that he doesn't feel that way about her anymore. She's even not feeling scared of running into him now, and if they did happen to meet, she knows they wouldn't talk or wave or anything, just move on.
Another example of how far she's come, and why I'm feeling so much more secure about things now than I have in a long time. I can see the commitment in her eyes, and my gut is telling me she's dead serious, and knowing what we know now, no longer ignorant of how these things happen, we both know we have the tools and desire to make sure neither of us gets close to that edge.
In the last post, I talked about what we had reclaimed. Well, now there is more. You see, October marks the month in which my wife first started texting the guy she'd become very infatuated with, when my maybe twice a month let's have sex wife suddenly became an "I've got to have it every night, as often as possible." And little did either of us know that it was the beginning of the cycle that lead ultimately to multiple emotional affairs of various degrees, and two physical affairs, the second one lasting over six weeks before dday.
So I feel like the next few months will be reclaiming those months. And it will end with reclaiming our anniversary. We want to make it a celebration of surviving our first year. So we're planning on what we can do to make that a special occasion. We're even thinking about going to the same bed and breakfast we went to the last time to "reclaim" that place as well for more positive.
So, looking forward to reclaiming the next several months and our anniversary next year to top it off.
 

Replies

Stillinit
Stillinit

So happy for you and your wife and that you are creating happy moments instead of negative sad ones.
Cole50
Cole50

Thanks, Stillinit.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Wow, that is inspiring. Congrats to you! Hoping you have a long and happy life together. :)
Cole50
Cole50

Thanks, lonelyguy. I hope it is more inspiring than not for you. I know your situation is much different, and I pray she comes around in time, though I know it\'s looking bleak. But it can happen.