Journey Through Adultery - 10-10-11
I realized something of interest this past week. Saturday when my wife was reading "Not Just Friends" in the car while we drove, it mentioned how one of the things BSs in affairs do to recover is to "reclaim" those areas of the life that were "taken" by the CS and the OP. As I think back on our journey so far, I can see that is what has happened several times. Not always the only reason or even the main reason we did something, but it has happened.
Some of the examples the book gave dealt with things I've seen people here talk about. Getting rid of reminders, the car they had sex in, the bed, the sofa, or whatever. One BS they talked about, it was the flower he'd kept as a gift from the OW sitting on his desk. She asked him to get rid of it, and he did.
We've done some of that as well. She had pictures, that she eventually got rid of. Stuff like that mostly, as very little happened in her car or our house, so there wasn't a lot of reminders for me, it was more getting rid of reminders for her. Which at first she wanted to keep some of that, but she came around to realizing if she was going to totally let go of him and the affair, she had to get rid of them all, and she did.
But there was another aspect to that reclaiming that we've done, quite just because I felt it needed to be done, that dealt more with reclaiming what she and the OM had participated in that should have been mine to begin with.
The first one off the top is sex. Obviously that is a biggy, and to tell the truth, on dday I had no idea if I could have sex with her any time soon, and if not, for how long? I wasn't sure how to approach the whole thing, and what I would feel when we had sex. One of the things that drove me, however, was the feeling of needing to reclaim our sex life from him. Her last sexual experience before I confronted her on dday was with the OM. I didn't want that to be the last sexual experience she had until however many weeks or months passed before I could have sex.
Of course, that in and of itself doesn't mean I wouldn't feel anything. Am I telling her by having sex that everything is OK? That we're going back to normal when we're anything but normal? I didn't want to convey either the idea of, "Oh, you messed up, we'll, that's okay. You said you were sorry, so let's forget all about it, no big consequences. All I want is sex."
So the evening of dday when she asked whether we would have sex or not, I hesitated. But then it came to me. The only way I could justify having sex is if what we were about to do meant something more than just having sex. So I told her if we had sex, what that meant was her recommitting to me that she will have no other man before me. I was the only one who could be this intimate with her, and she was in effect promising me that she would not allow another man to have any type of close relationship with her, especially close enough to have sex with him. She made that promise, and we sealed with with sex. I felt I'd not only reclaimed my wife sexually from him, "marking my territory" so to speak, but also caused the act to mean more than just having a good time, but a commitment to rebuild and preserve what we had. If she violated that again, it would be a deal breaker.
Then there was the gym. As I've written before, I didn't go to the gym because I was too busy working on my writing, I just didn't feel I could spare the time. So she went, sometimes with my son, and that's where she met the man who she eventually had a full affair with. And the meat of that affair was more emotional for my W than physical, though in this instance the physical was part of the package. After he'd struck up a conversation with her as they worked out together, they became friends. Then she invited him to swim with her and her son, so he did. Went and bought a bathing suit. So they spent time swimming together, working out together, and sitting in the hot tub together.
Then their time together extended to other activities where she knew I didn't want to do with her, mainly going to the grocery store or most any shopping. If she was going to the store, she'd call him and he would met her there. She cleans houses, and since he was out of work, he started helping her with certain houses and would earn a little money, so he spent time working with her. And just today she mentioned that they would talk on the phone as she traveled from house to house most times as well as text throughout the day.
Now, she texts me throughout the day. Now she calls me when she's going from house to house. Right after dday, I knew she couldn't go to the gym by herself anymore, both for the potential that the OM might show up while she was there, but also because I didn't want any other men to start up something either. So she either quit or I went with her. So, I went with her. For sure, the first time or two I felt awkward. I remember sitting in the hot tub that first day, and everything she did to be playful, I couldn't help wondering if she'd done the same things with the OM. She actually said not as much, because they couldn't do much in public, in fear someone who knows us would see it and tell me. So they rarely touched while in public. But still, it felt weird. However, I felt it was beneficial, because we reclaimed that time. Now I'm the one spending time with my wife at the gym, not him. I'm the one swimming with her, as it should be. Not some other man.
And because she was afraid of running into the OM at the store, I started going with her to the grocery store. She's even called me up a few times and said, "I'm going to the store for a client, want to come?" It was a store her and the OM went to frequently when she shopped for her client. We started getting drinks at Sonic, which she and him did occasionally.
And yes, I'm even working with her. I went to a house to help her clean recently. But more than that, we're earning our gym membership by cleaning the dressing rooms and bathrooms once a month together. So I've even worked with her now.
It's like all the areas that they did together, I've ended up reclaiming from him. Just like NJF says I should, but I didn't read that until this last Saturday. It sort of felt good to say, "Check, done that." And may be one of the reasons why my wife has been able to successfully detach from the OM as she has to this point. Because I've been stealing those memories back and making them memories with me instead.
Some of the examples the book gave dealt with things I've seen people here talk about. Getting rid of reminders, the car they had sex in, the bed, the sofa, or whatever. One BS they talked about, it was the flower he'd kept as a gift from the OW sitting on his desk. She asked him to get rid of it, and he did.
We've done some of that as well. She had pictures, that she eventually got rid of. Stuff like that mostly, as very little happened in her car or our house, so there wasn't a lot of reminders for me, it was more getting rid of reminders for her. Which at first she wanted to keep some of that, but she came around to realizing if she was going to totally let go of him and the affair, she had to get rid of them all, and she did.
But there was another aspect to that reclaiming that we've done, quite just because I felt it needed to be done, that dealt more with reclaiming what she and the OM had participated in that should have been mine to begin with.
The first one off the top is sex. Obviously that is a biggy, and to tell the truth, on dday I had no idea if I could have sex with her any time soon, and if not, for how long? I wasn't sure how to approach the whole thing, and what I would feel when we had sex. One of the things that drove me, however, was the feeling of needing to reclaim our sex life from him. Her last sexual experience before I confronted her on dday was with the OM. I didn't want that to be the last sexual experience she had until however many weeks or months passed before I could have sex.
Of course, that in and of itself doesn't mean I wouldn't feel anything. Am I telling her by having sex that everything is OK? That we're going back to normal when we're anything but normal? I didn't want to convey either the idea of, "Oh, you messed up, we'll, that's okay. You said you were sorry, so let's forget all about it, no big consequences. All I want is sex."
So the evening of dday when she asked whether we would have sex or not, I hesitated. But then it came to me. The only way I could justify having sex is if what we were about to do meant something more than just having sex. So I told her if we had sex, what that meant was her recommitting to me that she will have no other man before me. I was the only one who could be this intimate with her, and she was in effect promising me that she would not allow another man to have any type of close relationship with her, especially close enough to have sex with him. She made that promise, and we sealed with with sex. I felt I'd not only reclaimed my wife sexually from him, "marking my territory" so to speak, but also caused the act to mean more than just having a good time, but a commitment to rebuild and preserve what we had. If she violated that again, it would be a deal breaker.
Then there was the gym. As I've written before, I didn't go to the gym because I was too busy working on my writing, I just didn't feel I could spare the time. So she went, sometimes with my son, and that's where she met the man who she eventually had a full affair with. And the meat of that affair was more emotional for my W than physical, though in this instance the physical was part of the package. After he'd struck up a conversation with her as they worked out together, they became friends. Then she invited him to swim with her and her son, so he did. Went and bought a bathing suit. So they spent time swimming together, working out together, and sitting in the hot tub together.
Then their time together extended to other activities where she knew I didn't want to do with her, mainly going to the grocery store or most any shopping. If she was going to the store, she'd call him and he would met her there. She cleans houses, and since he was out of work, he started helping her with certain houses and would earn a little money, so he spent time working with her. And just today she mentioned that they would talk on the phone as she traveled from house to house most times as well as text throughout the day.
Now, she texts me throughout the day. Now she calls me when she's going from house to house. Right after dday, I knew she couldn't go to the gym by herself anymore, both for the potential that the OM might show up while she was there, but also because I didn't want any other men to start up something either. So she either quit or I went with her. So, I went with her. For sure, the first time or two I felt awkward. I remember sitting in the hot tub that first day, and everything she did to be playful, I couldn't help wondering if she'd done the same things with the OM. She actually said not as much, because they couldn't do much in public, in fear someone who knows us would see it and tell me. So they rarely touched while in public. But still, it felt weird. However, I felt it was beneficial, because we reclaimed that time. Now I'm the one spending time with my wife at the gym, not him. I'm the one swimming with her, as it should be. Not some other man.
And because she was afraid of running into the OM at the store, I started going with her to the grocery store. She's even called me up a few times and said, "I'm going to the store for a client, want to come?" It was a store her and the OM went to frequently when she shopped for her client. We started getting drinks at Sonic, which she and him did occasionally.
And yes, I'm even working with her. I went to a house to help her clean recently. But more than that, we're earning our gym membership by cleaning the dressing rooms and bathrooms once a month together. So I've even worked with her now.
It's like all the areas that they did together, I've ended up reclaiming from him. Just like NJF says I should, but I didn't read that until this last Saturday. It sort of felt good to say, "Check, done that." And may be one of the reasons why my wife has been able to successfully detach from the OM as she has to this point. Because I've been stealing those memories back and making them memories with me instead.
Replies
Cole, you should be really proud of yourself. Every single thing you mentioned has the potential to be a horrible trigger that could slam you down to the ground on a daily basis, but you\'ve chosen to make them into something very positive and healing. Way to go! I\'m really happy to hear you\'ve reached such a good place with all this.
I just read your entry for today and wow. I can say it really took me back. My husband has cheated on me with several emotional affairs and one sexual. They all hurt terribly and we went to counseling and I too read books. Im impressed with your ability to face this and turn something that could have easily ended your realtionship into a time of growth for your marriage. I also learned that it may not be wise to know every little detail bc it can be more difficult and not really help in recovery. Sounds like you learned a lot and are handling it in a very healthy way. I really feel for you and admire your determination and ability to forgive and walk this difficult path with her. Good for you. She is very lucky.
Thanks both of you. I think we are both lucky to have each other. I really marvel at how well she has handled this overall, and it is because of her progress that I\'m doing as well as I am. I think it helps that this period of her life when she was having emotional affairs with several people, and it became physical with two of them, was just so out of character with who she is as a person. She literally seemed to become another person during that period that I\'d never known. Due to her work since dday, she has returned and can\'t believe what she did either, what she risked. Even today she told me she had a good cry because she was thinking about my side of the story on dday and what I went through.
My only fear is people talk about \"hysterical bonding\" and such things ending after a few months. Tomorrow will mark our 5th month anniversary since dday. And October marks another event, it was when it all began with the first guy last year. I guess by the time next May rolls around when our 1 year dday anniversary comes, maybe I\'ll know more by then. But I find it hard to think I\'ll feel much different than I do now about her.
I mean, yeah, my view of her has changed. But not all of it is negative. You see what someone is made out of when they are put through the fire. She\'s come through this, while battle scarred, showing she has the strength and determination to do what needs doing, even if it is hard.
I guess I\'ll save some of my thoughts for tomorrow. I\'ll try and post a 5th month anniversary post.
Well just remember that you and your wife are completely unique individuals and your situation is yours and yours alone. Yes, there are many common threads and experiences between couples going through the aftermath of infidelity, but there is no one set timeline. Just because quite a few people hit a wall at certain point in the process doesn\'t necessarily mean you guys will as well. Especially with the two of you working so hard to consciously change the underlying problems and the dynamic between you. Chin up! :)
Thanks, Peyton. On the hysterical bonding things, I can\'t tell that we\'ve gotten any more hysterical than it was before dday. Her desire for sex started a year ago with the emotional affair, and until the last guy she had a full affair with, the last six weeks before dday, she took all her sexual energy out on me. So when dday hit, I thought we would slow down, if not immediately, within a month or two. But that hasn\'t happened.
The only thing that has changed significantly for me is me spending more time with her at the gym and going shopping and other things. I\'ve worried a bit that at some point I would get burnt out on that, but in fact, I\'ve discovered I really enjoy spending time with her and wondered why on earth it took an affair for me to realize what I\'d been missing out on.
So I don\'t see that changing in the near future either. Time will tell. But the best thing is to keep focused on where we\'re going and not worry too much about what might happen. As you said, everyone is unique.
Wow, Cole, I like it, that you reclaimed every territory! That rocks! And it\'s very cool that she is reading the book, also very nice effort! Sounds like things are moving along nicely! Great to hear the update!
Awesome, very happy for you and admire your determination. She us definitely lucky to have you.
Thanks, blondegal and Valise. Yeah, blondegal, we\'ve been reading books together since the week of dday. First we read a book about sexual addiction, because at first that\'s what we thought had happened to her. But then our therapist directed us to \"His Needs, Her Needs\" and we read through that one, then right after that we started in on NJF. I think we\'re getting to the end of that book. And we have another one on our plate after that one, I don\'t recall the name. She usually reads in the car while I drive, mostly on our way to church and back Saturday nights, but when we were going to counseling, on that drive as well. Most of that first book we read on our 29th anniversary trip three days after dday. Talk about an unusual anniversary.