JOURNEY OF TEARS
We began this new journey in Oct of last year....and truthfully you really have to like not just love but really like being together to travel in a little over 350 sq feet of a Motor Home..It has been interesting to be gone from home six months our journey is beginning to be another closer in our life...Which makes me think of the many closures we go through in life...I remember years ago when I felt broken hearted at the end of a relationship..it would feel as if it would never get better...yet as time passed, someone new would come into my life and things would be all rosy until another closure...but it always seemed what felt like the end of my world....that I would not find happiness again....yet I did...but on this Journey of Tears, I don't think there will come a time for Closure....The lost of a child as we all know never does Closure become a part of us. Through many struggles in life the last thing I ever imagined was losing a child...As I have been on this journey the tears have flowed many times....As different memories continue to flood my mind, my heart, my being...I wonder at times where do the tears that so easily flow down my checks, my heart breaking as a memory of Ken comes out of nowhere..I wonder at times where did that thought come from. Just yesterday I flashed back to the day Ken had his Stem-Cell Transplant and we were rushing to be at the hospital as he wanted me there....yet because something happened we were seconds late as we walked into his room...He looked at me with sadness and disappointment and said "Mom, you didn't make it." My heart broke as he said the words and my heart broke again remembering his words to me that day in 07...I said we tried but were held up. It is a simple process just like a quick blood transfusion but we did not know what to expect...as I had the flashback memory the tears flowed as I felt I had let Ken down that day...and today I can not tell him I'm sorry I was late...I feel that closure cannot happen with the loss of a child as a memory will just jump in our thoughts..a memory maybe forgotten yet still in there somewhere to come out when we least expect...There are Journey's we take that are exciting, beautiful memories are made, and the memories we have stored in our thoughts of our child can bring a smile to our face, yet this JOURNEY OF TEARS, will always be there...maybe less as time passes...yet they are there stuck away only to surface sometimes just out of the blue and wonder where did that thought come from..of course WE know there will always be those times when our sweet sweet baby that is now somewhere beyond our reach....those memories good or bad will be in the forefront of our thoughts....and once again as we struggle to hold back the tears.....they flow freely as if it was just yesterday we said our goodbyes to our child. Today when I am ask how long Ken has been gone, I answer, SIX YEARS.....YESTERDAY....JUST AS THE TEARS WILL COME ON THIS JOURNEY WE TRAVEL....NO MATTER THE YEARS THAT HAVE PASSED FOR ME AND MAYBE YOU TOO IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY WHEN OUR CHILD LEFT US.....Forever KEN'S MOMMY....LOVE AND MISS YOU EVERYDAY. FOREVER YOUR IN MY THOUGHTS....
Replies
Sandi, thanks for sharing. You will always be Ken\'s Mom, just as I will always be Jeff\'s Mom. The tears will come - maybe not as often as they did when we first began this journey. I can feel your pain when Ken said to you that you didn\'t make it in time. It is weird the things we remember that our children said to us. Like you said this Journey of Tears will always be with us.
Love and big hugs to you My Friend....Nell
Its hard to explain how close we are to tears in every single moment... because even though we may reach a time where we know we can and do find joy in life still... there is nothing in life that isn\'t existing beside the pain of all the if onlys.... I\'m so grateful for Cara\'s life... I work and will continue to work to have the memories of the good moments front and center just so I can continue to exist... to remember... to feel her near even if its only in my mind... I know sometimes I feel almost guilty when I share the pain... but hopefully we all feel as I feel in this moment... I\'m not glad you hurt... I hate that any of us hurt... but I am grateful you and the other moms understand... Sending you hugs and prayers you\'ll feel your Ken close and loving you all. Elissa
This is so true, Sandi, ........... so very, very true! xxx
So sad and heartbreaking. The pain is always there. Sending hugs and love and many prayers. Katrina
To be honest I think the person who coined the word \"closure\" never lost a child. I think that word should be deleted from all grief books, etc., because it can make us question our path and wonder if something is \"wrong\" with us as we think of our children daily, remember them well and try to learn how to be in relationship with them now. Who wants to think of any doors being \"closed\" or anything ending when it comes to our beloved children? I\'m with you wholeheartedly on that one.
I hear your heart and the one thing that I do know is that Ken hears it too. I apologize to my son for the things I said, did, didn\'t say, didn\'t do and I continue to. Perhaps he can understand now in ways he might not have been able to earth side? I would like to think that.
Gentle care dear Sandi and knowing that Ken is forever loved and remembered by many.
XO Joanie
The \"what if\'s\" and the \"if only\" and the \"why\'s\" attached to some of those memories that sometimes haunt me.......Ken knows you love him and I believe that our kids are in a place now where none of that matters - it\'s only here on earth that we struggle.
I am beginning to talk to Jennifer about things and with all my heart I continue to remind her that I love her, always did and always will.
I\'m with you, heart to heart......(((((hugs))))) Vicki
I agree with Joanie closure is a bad word. Tears are now normal, sadness, bad days good days are our life now. People need to deal with us instead of us dealing with them. We are caring and wonderful people, just ask anyone hear. Just because others our not in our world, they will not understand.
Do not beat yourself up, Ken hears you and understands completely. Trust your Angel.
Tight hugs
Penny
Memories are all I have left of my Josh, both good and bad. I work hard not to dwell on them yet I don\'t think there is a single day that I do not think of both boys. Grief is truly a terrible thing, yet necessary when one loves with their whole heart.
Sending hugs of compassion,
Leda
As parents, I think we all have those moments of being \"held up\" from being where we needed to be. They can just overwhelm us with remorse. I believe that our kids would not want us to feel those pangs over and over again now. I close my eyes when those waves come and hear my Patrick\'s voice saying to stop wasting my sadness and regret. He would say,\" C\'mon Ma you know how lame that is!\" Maybe, just maybe, Ken feels the same way...
Your adventure by motor home sounds like a positive move for you. You certainly get to know one another, and yes, you do need to genuinely like the person you are with.
You are right. I don\'t believe there is closure after the loss of a child. I got teary eyed this afternoon when I was talking with my neighbour about Lisa. I have gotten used to the sudden feelings of sadness and am okay with crying. I have always said that Lisa was worth every tear that I shed.
I hope you are feeling better.
Tight hugs, M
Such a tender journal entry and such a perfect title...Journey of Tears. Yes it has been a journey of so many things but one thing is certain...there will always be tears. Now they dry a little quicker and come a little less often but their gentle reminder is always just a blink away. Thanks for your friendship. Much love. Robin
Yes, very true, so painful. Joy does come on it\'s own time line. It appears when it wants to. Thank G-d...I\'m six years down the road. With my soth, never alone. Heart breaking when FB put a picture in my site of my two middle kids. Jake and Becky...so shocked to see it without warning. Got me! knife in the back, in the heart...terrible shock. We don\'t recover ever. But life does go on. And part of life is joy, thank G-d.