Journal Update
I have not written a journal in a while, so time to catch up. January 3rd was my 6 month gambling free milepost, and frankly...life is good, really good. While there are numbers to prove how much better we are financially, and we have continued to pay off debts (caused by me) there are really no words to describe the difference that I feel mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Where I was at 6 months ago was such a horrible place, I don't want to ever go back. I still feel guilt and remorse over my actions, I think I always will, and while financially we someday will be all caught up I lost time with my husband and daughter that I will never get back. My beautiful amazing daughter is graduating high school this year, and headed off to college, and oh how I wish I could get the last 8 years back. While it looks like I was there for her...I wasn't really THERE for her. I skated through parenting being there for what I needed to be, and missed out on special moments that never could possibly happen because I was off gambling somewhere and lying about where I was. That being said, this all something I cannot control, or change...but can remember so that it never happens again.
While both my daughter and husband knew a few years back about my gambling problem, I finally admitted it to them, and asked for help, and they thought I had quit back then, and didn't know of the extent of the addiction and my further struggles the last 3 years of trying to quit. Whenever I failed, I couldn't bring myself to tell my husband, he just doesn't "get" the addiction, and the lack of control I had over it, and I was too afraid of losing him and my daughter. My husband and daughter notice the positive changes in me, and my better moods, more motivated, energetic...just all positive changes, and think it is due to some health issues that a surgery in April resolved. Financially, our business is doing much better so that "explains" our better finances and debt pay off. Maybe someday I will tell them about how long I actually struggled to quit, but my heart says as long as I am not gambling, it is okay for them to believe I quit years ago...and just enjoy the positive changes now. I have been able to talk a bit more with them about how gambling can "grip" a person, in reference to what they think was years ago, and they are starting to understand it as we all now watch my own mother and her gambling addiction. She was the one that introduced me to the casinos and gambling, and is a VIP at several local casinos. While this use to trigger me to go play myself, I now just can let it go, and see her pain...and hope someday she can admit she has a problem.
The first 90 days were a roller coaster ride, numb, not numb, urges, no urges, really bad urges...and OH the triggers....anger, sadness, boredom, the weather, happy, anything told me, "hey, let's go gamble". What made this time different from all the other attempts was I really finally felt I was quitting for ME. I had tried to quit in the past because everything told me I shouldn't be gambling, but I liked gambling, I had fun doing it, and the dopamine kept me wanting more. It was when I realized how much I hated myself, and the destruction to my loved ones, life, myself I was causing that I decided I wanted to feel joy and happiness again, and live.
90-120 days...easier, yet harder at the same time. Why not go celebrate 90 without gambling with gambling? Well, because I didn't want to go through the roller coaster again. Pure will power, and asking God daily for strength. All sorts of "triggers". Looking at the solid numbers of how much better we are financially without me gambling, and purchasing little rewards at the milestones helped.
120 days and beyond... well, I have all sorts of new goals, projects, creativity that I had lost over the last 8 years and now have back. Who has time for gambling when you could be doing all this other stuff, and using money wisely! I occasionally think about it, and when I drive by an old gambling spot, I think about how easy it would be to pull into the parking lot...but then I just shudder at the thought of placing a relapse bet, so I just smile, and keep on driving.
Here on Day #187... I keep on keeping on. Choose to live.
Where I was at 6 months ago was such a horrible place, I don't want to ever go back. I still feel guilt and remorse over my actions, I think I always will, and while financially we someday will be all caught up I lost time with my husband and daughter that I will never get back. My beautiful amazing daughter is graduating high school this year, and headed off to college, and oh how I wish I could get the last 8 years back. While it looks like I was there for her...I wasn't really THERE for her. I skated through parenting being there for what I needed to be, and missed out on special moments that never could possibly happen because I was off gambling somewhere and lying about where I was. That being said, this all something I cannot control, or change...but can remember so that it never happens again.
While both my daughter and husband knew a few years back about my gambling problem, I finally admitted it to them, and asked for help, and they thought I had quit back then, and didn't know of the extent of the addiction and my further struggles the last 3 years of trying to quit. Whenever I failed, I couldn't bring myself to tell my husband, he just doesn't "get" the addiction, and the lack of control I had over it, and I was too afraid of losing him and my daughter. My husband and daughter notice the positive changes in me, and my better moods, more motivated, energetic...just all positive changes, and think it is due to some health issues that a surgery in April resolved. Financially, our business is doing much better so that "explains" our better finances and debt pay off. Maybe someday I will tell them about how long I actually struggled to quit, but my heart says as long as I am not gambling, it is okay for them to believe I quit years ago...and just enjoy the positive changes now. I have been able to talk a bit more with them about how gambling can "grip" a person, in reference to what they think was years ago, and they are starting to understand it as we all now watch my own mother and her gambling addiction. She was the one that introduced me to the casinos and gambling, and is a VIP at several local casinos. While this use to trigger me to go play myself, I now just can let it go, and see her pain...and hope someday she can admit she has a problem.
The first 90 days were a roller coaster ride, numb, not numb, urges, no urges, really bad urges...and OH the triggers....anger, sadness, boredom, the weather, happy, anything told me, "hey, let's go gamble". What made this time different from all the other attempts was I really finally felt I was quitting for ME. I had tried to quit in the past because everything told me I shouldn't be gambling, but I liked gambling, I had fun doing it, and the dopamine kept me wanting more. It was when I realized how much I hated myself, and the destruction to my loved ones, life, myself I was causing that I decided I wanted to feel joy and happiness again, and live.
90-120 days...easier, yet harder at the same time. Why not go celebrate 90 without gambling with gambling? Well, because I didn't want to go through the roller coaster again. Pure will power, and asking God daily for strength. All sorts of "triggers". Looking at the solid numbers of how much better we are financially without me gambling, and purchasing little rewards at the milestones helped.
120 days and beyond... well, I have all sorts of new goals, projects, creativity that I had lost over the last 8 years and now have back. Who has time for gambling when you could be doing all this other stuff, and using money wisely! I occasionally think about it, and when I drive by an old gambling spot, I think about how easy it would be to pull into the parking lot...but then I just shudder at the thought of placing a relapse bet, so I just smile, and keep on driving.
Here on Day #187... I keep on keeping on. Choose to live.
Replies
Thanks for posting about the realities and the true pain beyond the financial hardships that gambling causes. I am on day 8 of this round of quitting and it is a roller coaster, I am hoping making it a pay run or 2 will motivate me even more to avoid those triggers. Just for today I will not gamble. Stay strong.