Journal 1

I'm not sure what things I should journal, and what I should post to the community as a whole. I think i'll post this both places as a first time experiement. I've been having a hard time lately. It feels as if there is a black cloud around my fuzzy brain. This is kind of a cyclical thing for me, and sometimes the depression is scary and I think feeds my codependent tendencies, because I seek the high of romance and interpersonal relationships to ease the discomfrot. I have been keeping a daily log for the past several months to try to develop healthier habits and pinpoint the root causes. Every day I challenge myself to read for at least 15 minutes, this helps to educate me and bring me to the present rather than being lost in my own thinking. I also challenge myself to excercise 15 minutes a day, and reach out to at least one person a day. I give myself hearts for things that were hard for me, but I did. This helps me feel good about the things I am working on, even when I feel that I didn't do as well as I should have. I also rate my mood/anxiety/depression with a 1-5 star system. I track the healthful foods and suppliments I consume. Every day I have been taking fish oil, magnesium, vitamin d3, GABA and 5-HTP (which is converted into seretonin) and have been trying to eat saurkraut daily to promote good gut microbes so that my body is better at making seretonin on its own. I think that low seretonin is something that was genetically passed down to me.I had been feeling very good, and my mentsraul cycle was actually regular for the first time in my life. Maybe this is part of a cycle, but I think I have been feeling bad lately because I took a plan B pill last week and now my hormones are out of balance. There is a suppliment that I found that is supposed to help regulate hormones which I am trying to get, but have to jump through a few hoops because it cannot be shipped to my PO box. I have also started taking a womans multi vitamin and am going to start drinking teas that I think may help.The reason I had taken the plan B pill was because I had unprotected sex with my ex-boyfriend (who i'm fairly certain is a narcissist). We have had unprotected sex many times, and I understand that there is an inherent risk in unprotecte sex, which I think is ok to take (not preferable in my opinion) when two people love each other, or at least respect. Chances are I wouldn't have been pregnant, but when we were done his attitude was basically "ok, be gone with you woman, don't touch me", and I decided it absolutely was not a risk I wanted to take. Even though I knew the repercussions of taking the pill would be depression, because I've experienced it before. So, that's one thing.About 45 days ago the entire community that I live in got notice of eviction. This has been a blessing and a curse. My very kind and generous friends own land down the road. They have been planning to start a fitness retreat center on their property. Recently the wife was in an accident, changing and slowing down their plans. They have offered for me to live on their property in exchange for work trade. This is amazing, because my work trade will consist of helping my friend which I will enjoy, because I enjoy her company, and growing food and landscaping. One of my greatest passions is growing plants. And not having to pay rent means working less at a job that has been a bit detrimental to my mental healthy, and allows me the opportunity to go back to school. Because of all of these things, I am excited to be moving to this new home. On the down side, my ex-boyfriend is the caretaker and lives on the property. For this reason, and because of my current depression, I'm really scared. Sunday is my move in day, and I want to be strong enough to make this work because even though the bad feels heavy, there is much more good in this opportunity. At this point, I know I don't want to be with him, and I know I don't want to have sex with him. But he is rude to me, and when he is I have an almost maternal urge to nurture and fix the relationship, friendship, whatever is is...even though it's neither of those things, because I feel like it's my fault that it is broken because I am so broken sometimes.  I won't be very close in proximity to him, but i will probably see him once a day or so, and will see when he brings girls home, which he will and it will be hard.For now though, I'm working on building a foundation of positive friendships, worrking on my relationships with my family, and tonight I am going camping in one of the most beautiful places in the world with a group of friends.