Jokes, Jokes, And More Jokes...

Did you hear about the two little kids in a hospital who were lying next to each other? The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"     The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."    The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"    The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"    The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."    The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"  Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"?Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelopeand send it to someone. -- Jan King  Suffering from a bad case of the flu, the outraged patient bellowed, "Three weeks??? The doctor can't see me for three weeks??? I could well be dead by then!"    Calmly the voice at the other end of the line replied, "If so, would you please have your wife call to cancel the appointment?" An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter  wants to follow in my footsteps!    Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" A lady came to the hospital to visit a friend.  She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology.  A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials. "Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.    "So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor-cleaning machine." Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner." At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.    "Big breaths," I instructed.    "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.Diet Excuses But the doughnut was calling my name. But it was my birthday, so I had to eat the whole cake. I had to get the bitter taste out of my mouth from eating the so-called dish, so I had an ice cream. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner. Cookie pieces contain no fat -- the process of breaking causes fat leakage. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae. Only eat things that have been broken into pieces; that way, all the calories fall out. Chocolate is a vegetable. How, you ask? Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.The advantage of exercising everyday is that you die healthier. The Garlic Diet:You don't lose weight, you just look thinner from a distance T'was the month after Christmas, and all through the house,nothing would fit me, not even a blouse;The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I had to taste,at the holiday parties had gone to my waist;When I got on the scales there arose such a number!When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber),I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared;The wine and the rum balls; the bread and the cheese,and the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,and prepared once again to do battle with dirt,I said to myself, as only I can,"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"So, away with the last of the sour cream dip.Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,'til all the additional ounces have vanished.I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,But isn't that what January is for?Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! My gym teacher told me to touch my toes. I said, "I don't have that kind of relationship with my feet. Can I just wave?"  Hope Those Made You Laugh!