Joe..what do i do now

I miss you joe, I love you joe, I can't go on without Joe...nine months now and things grow worse and worse in my life here each day. I am so alone this summer. Mom and crystal went to the upstate house for the summer. I went up for one weekend and it was so bad Joe. You were not there to protect me from the onslaught of my son in law. It seems that he is so much more nasty and degrading now that you are not here to stop him. I have no way of driving with my dizziness so I had to go up with him. Now I am not going to stay up there at all the rest of the summer. OUr cat, ms Abbey is my main purpose in life now and I cannot leave her here in this steamy hot apartment while I go up there. I cannot take her like we used to take her to your upstate house. Mine is in such bad shape now (as you knew) and she will get out and run in a split second. I would die if I lost her now too.
Uncle Wally died two weeks ago and I could nto even get to his funeral with my head being so sick and dizzy all the time. Then I had to put our dog to sleep for which I cannot forgive myself Joe. Was she really that sick as the vet said or were they just not able to handle her? Only you and God know what the answer is now. She is with you I hope. I laid on the floor with her as they gave her the injections and they had her muzzled and tranquilzed as if she was a great white shark. I begged them to take off the muzzle that they had on her in the cage for two days straight. She was never even fed any food since the said she would bit them if they took it off. Please Joe...what happened? Did I do the right thing? I kissed and touched her as she closed her eyes for the last time and sobbed like I just lost you all over again.
I have no friends now Joe at all. I just cant bring myself to get up and do any decorating or work in this place I live now. I just sit here and wait till God calls me home with you again. I am too sick to go anywhere or even sit and talk with anyone. You know how close to giving up I was before you even left me and now I have nothing at all left to live for. I cannot even get to your grave to see you anymore since my daughters are so busy living life, as they should be. I know i should move on as I hear everyone saying but how do you move on when I am unable to even move at all. This illness is too much for anyone to handle. I wish so badly I had my job back. I hate disability retirement at the age of 51! i had to much left to do with my life and you were such a big part of that.
God give me the strength just to survive today. Even the neighbors jsut left again for vacation and we had never even had the chance to enjoy anything. What kind of God does this to the people he loves Joe. I cannot figure it out. You are in my heart forever and when you left, you took my heart wtih you..Its gone now.