Jobless,and no income except my last pay check
Good morning journal,the time is 6:19am,I have been awake half the night,and finally decided enough was enough and came through to the lounge.As I thought previously,the hearing on Thursday did not have a favorable outcome;my time in uniform is now over,I have been relieved of duty because of ill health.I thought I was ready,prepared,for what was inevitable,but I was wrong,it hit me very hard;I have worked hard all my life,and now,suddenly,I am unemployed,and with no income to speak of except my forthcoming,and final,pay check at the end of the month.The hearing was all very amicable of course,my superiors commending me for my years of service and telling me,"what a brilliant and exemplary officer I had been",their words not mine,and how sorry they were to lose me etc;etc;but at the end of it,I was,and am,unemployed.I have spent the last few days trying to come to terms with my new status in life,and it has both saddened and depressed me to the point of finally giving up completely.How can a man who has worked since leaving school at fifteen years old,now suddenly have to face the prospect of not being able to support his family,pay the bills,and put food on the table?;I have worked for almost forty six years of my time on this planet,and now,being unable to,leaves me angry and frustrated beyond belief.
My children used to say,"your old fashioned dad",and perhaps they are correct,but I was raised by a hard working mother,and I'm old school I guess;I was always of the attitude that the world didn't owe me a living,I had to earn it,and if that makes me old fashioned then so be it.Being raised without a father,my dad drowned in 1959,my mother had to be both parents to my younger brother and myself;I watched as she grew old prematurely through holding down three jobs just to put us through school.I never in all that time heard her complain,and when I was fifteen years old,I left school,as the eldest child did back then simply because dad wasn't there,and began working for the mother who had done so much for us,and finally allow her to rest.When my mom finally succumbed to dementia,she was just shy of her sixty fourth birthday and died in hospital,I was grieved to receive a call from the funeral home asking me to identify my mother as they couldn't believe her date of birth was correct.I went to the funeral home and formally identified my mother,only for the director to say,"I'm so sorry sir,but when we read the date of birth,we couldn't believe she was only sixty three,we were sure this lady here was in her early eighties at least";I replied,"what your looking at is the result of three jobs a day,seven days a week,for almost twenty years;if your fortunate enough to look this good in your casket after all that,you'll be doing okay",and I left with his apologies still ringing in my ears.
My mother used to say that dying was easy,because you had no choice,it wasn't how you died that left a memory,it was how you had lived that those you left behind would remember;I have tried to live my life by that principle,and I still do;thanks mom.What about the future?,I don't know,only God can decide that,at the moment I am very low in spirit,but I still have that same stubborn streak in me that refuses to quit;perhaps I'm too ornery for my own good,but that's who I am,and I don't,or wont,apologize for that.Until tomorrow then journal,let's see what today brings,let us hope for a little peace as we journey through it.
My children used to say,"your old fashioned dad",and perhaps they are correct,but I was raised by a hard working mother,and I'm old school I guess;I was always of the attitude that the world didn't owe me a living,I had to earn it,and if that makes me old fashioned then so be it.Being raised without a father,my dad drowned in 1959,my mother had to be both parents to my younger brother and myself;I watched as she grew old prematurely through holding down three jobs just to put us through school.I never in all that time heard her complain,and when I was fifteen years old,I left school,as the eldest child did back then simply because dad wasn't there,and began working for the mother who had done so much for us,and finally allow her to rest.When my mom finally succumbed to dementia,she was just shy of her sixty fourth birthday and died in hospital,I was grieved to receive a call from the funeral home asking me to identify my mother as they couldn't believe her date of birth was correct.I went to the funeral home and formally identified my mother,only for the director to say,"I'm so sorry sir,but when we read the date of birth,we couldn't believe she was only sixty three,we were sure this lady here was in her early eighties at least";I replied,"what your looking at is the result of three jobs a day,seven days a week,for almost twenty years;if your fortunate enough to look this good in your casket after all that,you'll be doing okay",and I left with his apologies still ringing in my ears.
My mother used to say that dying was easy,because you had no choice,it wasn't how you died that left a memory,it was how you had lived that those you left behind would remember;I have tried to live my life by that principle,and I still do;thanks mom.What about the future?,I don't know,only God can decide that,at the moment I am very low in spirit,but I still have that same stubborn streak in me that refuses to quit;perhaps I'm too ornery for my own good,but that's who I am,and I don't,or wont,apologize for that.Until tomorrow then journal,let's see what today brings,let us hope for a little peace as we journey through it.
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