January and February

January was a continuation of the previous months, with so much anxiety, that I have noticed it was escalating that I could not get it under control. I had to figure out what was causing it and my weight gain as well. As I started looking back to what I was doing differently Which took me taking natural herbs that were suppose to lower your blood pressure to normal levels in hopes that it will allow me to get off the rest of my blood pressure medication. Only to find out that it lowered my systolic pressure but it increased my diastolic by 30 points and of course I stopped taking it immediately. I had to wait a week to check it again and it went back to normal 117/70. I was relieved to see that but just to be safe I set myself with my primary care to take a look at me just to make sure I didn't do any significate damage, I was sort of scolded for taking such herbs without a doctors consent. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling so much anxiety without just cause for  making me feel that way, that I was not functioning.

January brought another stimulus check which came in a form of a check with my dead name and that didn't go to well with merle. She wasn't to thrilled about it, but it was my choice not hers, just like the surgery I had, that I feel it's none of her business. I would have thought she would have told the kids but apparently not. The fight about the name changed had triggered another emotional turmoil that I again tried to commit suicide only to get a very brief awareness to call around for help until I got a hold of my stepmother, and again she was a life saver. I kept discussing it with KC and I came up with the idea of carrying a spray of Narcan with me and to show everyone that hangs around me on how to use it on me.

I still have not come out to my kids as she tells me that my two boys wouldn't understand.

In the meantime I have or I should say I am attending several more Theropy sessions on Tues and a couple more on Thursday. It was strongly suggested by KC my therapist. So I am attending another group through Mosaic and the other one is a group directed towards battered women which I have attended 2, last week I had to go to work so I couldn't attend and again this week.

Since I am completing this journal near the end of February I am just going to compile both months together.

As of February I lost contact with my daughter Gabby for reasons that she found out that I changed my name and was mortified or embarrassed  her when the nurse told her that the name on the medical policy is now Danielle not Daniel. I do not know why she is the way she is, I thought I made progress with her but I guess I acted to slowly to tell her before someone else did. Merle yelled at me for some time on the phone as she was telling me that I should have let people call me Danielle and leave Daniel as my legal name but I wouldn't feel right especially having the surgery done, I haven't told her about that yet and I have no intentions of telling her or going back to her. As she as told me that she has no intentions of divorcing me. But then she tells me that we should file our taxes separately but that changed all of a sudden which I knew would never happen. This time when we do file I am going to make sure that we claim Robert and Vanne on this years taxes because we still support them.

The other changes will be, when I call her there will be a change, I am going to tell her that she will be meeting Danielle not Daniel and I don't care what she says. My boys need to know about me instead of finding out through someone else as I should say something to Nickolas my other.  son that Laura had by me. Another child that I was never involved with because Laura decided not to allow me into her life, which I felt would have been different. But unlike me always afraid to take risks as I would wanted to take with her. I know that I wouldn't have gone through this suffering, but it is what it is.

Near the middle of February there were some changes that were changing without my knowledge as I was trying to get a car loan to see if I could get approved but it turned out that I was getting turned down but I never continued to read the letters that the banks were sending me, I just kept throwing them away. I tried several places but when I received a letter from Sanderana Bank that they wanted to offer me a modified loan as it read that I had a credit score of a 720 I thought that was a typo error as it wasn't showing up on my credit report because it didn't make sense that I was approved for a mortgage loan but not a car loan. It just didn't make sense so last I started my planning to get a car again even though I was taking a risk of getting my credit score a hit, but I requested an credit increase on my credit cards just to see if I get approved for the increase as I was surprised that the 2 out of the 3 gave me on and I might say it was a hefty one a couple hundred dollars increase which surprised me but I will not max any of them out, I'm just going to keep what I am doing to them just use them once in a great while just to keep them active.

As for myself I still do not have any regrets in doing the process. I am trying to live my life and whatever gets thrown in my way I will deal with it the best way I can.

About clearing my name I still haven't heard from the lawyer that is supposedly be helping that wanted to get done before my name changed, I feel that I am being recriminated because I am a transgender and I will say something on his machine on t I feel its been since 2019 that I have pursued this course of action and now it is 2021 and it was something that I wasn't responsible for but I was charged for it. I feel that this is not fair as I don't think its fair that my work place fails to keep the 15 cents I was making prior to the minimum wage increase that the state passed years ago, I am now making minimum wage and I have been with the company for 6 fucking years and that 15 cents is taken away, what kind of respect is this!!!! For now I am seeing what the GM is going to come up with on her end and If I am not satisfied I am going to go up the ladder. I feel that it is not fair that I have been their for 6 years and now making minimum wage, as they scrootinize every evaluation so they wont give out any raises !! They are doing the same thing to the crew as they are their managers and they are buying out other business to build on their empire, Another Trump

This bitch is not taking it anymore. Working at a minimum wage job and getting no respect. Something has to give